The Cowards We Date

This thought has been rumbling around in my mind since November. The observation of the TODR was covered, obviously, by the online Trans* communities. The Feminist and Gay/Lesbian bloggers were also very active, and also with reporting the stories memorialized on that day.

Where are the "Admirers"? Where were the guys who objectify bodies like mine? Where were the guys who make money off of bodies like mine? Where were the guys who love/date/fuck/lust after gals like me? To the best of my knowledge, they were silent - quiet while they "hunted" or cashed their checks.

Men are willing to go online to cry about how gawd aweful it would be if their friends found out, they are willing to make "Shemale" porn quite profitable, they are more than happy to reduce me and mine to the sum total of our parts. But when one of us is harmed, we can't count on them - they evaporate like fog by mid-day.

Once again a friend of mine is sexually assulted by a man she thought was "swell". Once again someone I know is afraid of how the authorities will react, so she is silent and ashamed. Once again, the firs reaction from people who know is to ask if the guy knew her status (because we all know that Trans*women love to pull that surprise *rolleyes*). No man will ever help us, they have too much invested in keeping us a dirty secret.

Is it merely a coincidence that the volume of those suffering from trannyism are WHITE STRAIGHT MIDDLE CLASS MEN???? That the trannyism disorder is an identity disorder grown out of the "special snowflake syndrome"??? Why among the GLBT is the trans group the only group that primarily consists of heteropatriarchal middle/upper middle class white males??? Where are all the poor minority gay men with this disorder? Where are the numbers of minority females with this disorder? Could it be that this is a disorder of race and class? That most who cannot afford (non wealthy hetero whites) this disorder will likely never develop it???

I've personally witnessed infighting within various trans communities of what exactly constitutes as trans by trans. Have seen with my own eyes men telling other men who IDed as trans-women but stated they couldnt afford to begin "medically transitioning" that they were in fact NOT trans until they have electrolysis/female hormones/SRS/FSS etc! Bascially declaring if you cannot afford to "transition" you cannot in effect BE trans! And like everything else in our patriarchal society the majority those who have most of the power and money are WHITE HETEROPATRIARCHAL MALES! So should we be surprised at all that highest number of trans ID'd are WHITE HETEROPATRIARCHAL MIDDLE CLASS MALES???? I think not

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This was posted on the MWMF board recently. I have promised that I wouldn't post there any more, so I'm not addressing it there.

I would, however, like to make an observation. Where does this white woman get off erasing trans*women from Mexico to Argentina? What about the Hijra and Kathoey in India and Thailand? The Two-Spirit Native Americans? All the other Trans* women from all over the world who are not white, not European. How about the Trans*women of all ethnic origins who are not close to being Middle-Class? Could it be that she is looking at Trans* through a window of privilege - namely those Trans* who have access to the Internet?

I would like to point out that she does, actually, bring up a valid point about various trans* communities. There is a level of elitism expressed. The ones who can afford SRS questioning the identity of ones who cannot. Her observations are viewed through a cis lens and that lens has warped and distorted the discussions. Removing the influence of the gatekeeper medical establishment who have a vested interest in making SRS not just an option, but THE goal for Trans*.

Before taking to task white, middle-class Trans* - perhaps she should check her own racist assumptions about Teh Tranz. Perhaps she should view the economic and social realities of trans* folks of color.

TODR - Why I'm Pissed

Yesterday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance. Most every person who reads this will be aware of the TODR and written about it or read something powerful about it. I have always had a link to the Remembering Our Dead site because it's that damn important to me.

I'm angry because we are still being killed. I am angry that our murders don't get solved. I am angry that the G the L and the B pay token attention to our issues.

But that's not why I'm PISSED. I'm PISSED because our lives are still erased by the media. Our names are written "IN QUOTES" like a nickname. We are "gay men" who "dressed as women". Our lives, our humanity, our identity is constantly questioned by cis-sexual society to the point we get no relief even in death. When we are murdered, we are somehow partly to blame.

The men who "admire" us are oddly absent at a TDOR. Our lives are only as valuable as their next orgasm. We are only allowed to be the sexy silly dolls of their little fantasy land. When the lights come on and their dreams are over, they are absent, silent, afraid.

At the end of the last TDOR I spoke to a couple friends about safety. I found out that the number of Trans*women I personally know who have been assaulted sexually is 100%. Yup ALL of us every age, every occupation, every socio-economic class. Most of us have been hit or threatened with violence by an intimate partner. Half of us have had our status as Trans* used as ammunition to coerce us into staying in a relationship, or not reporting violence.

I want to have an answer, and mostly I'm pissed that I don't.

Awesome blog Repost

http://questioningtransphobia.wordpress.com/2008/09/30/transphobic-tropes-5-the-man-in-a-dressstealthy-deceiver-double-bind

The link above is to a post by queenemily posted on Questioning Transphobia. In it she clearly points out the double bind that I face almost daily, particularly when dealing with dating. Guys who have seen my pictures online have
"complimented" me by telling me that I "could have fooled them (into thinking I was bio-female)". Guys who have decided to stop seeing me have pointed out, inflated, and used any perceived "male" features, interests, behaviors or opinions to question my validity as both a woman and partner. It bears mentioning that these same guys are taken by how well I "pass" until they get tired of their walk on the wild side - then my status becomes both insult and insurance that they aren't being jerks

It's NOT about the Damn Dress

Why do RadFem discussions regarding Trans*women INSIST on talking about "gendered behaviors"? I'm reading the MWMF board and following a thread about "Gender as Social Construct". Feel free to visit, but it pisses me off to read it, so I wouldn't actually want to direct anyone there.

In that topic, we are treated to first a pretty classic definition of Gender vs. Sex, and then m Andrea - BLAMES Trans* for developing and using the idea of constructed gender as a means to validate transitioning. WTF! It was you friendly neighborhood RadFem who throws around that stuff to INVALIDATE transitioning.

It further goes on to talk about how in Feminist utopia where boys can play with dolls and girls can wear blue there would be no need for teh tranz because we would be loved and comforted with who we are and love and be comfortable with our bodies and our social roles.

Here is a fragging news flash! Dolls suck! Dresses are pretty shitty things to wear! pink is ugly (and sooo washes out my skin)! In short, as an adult operating as a man I had the agency to wear pink if I liked, to play with dolls, to slip into a skirt, to partake in the affectations associated with women. I did and I didn't as I pleased. I lived in the post-gender utopia as much as I could and it WASN'T CORRECT.

When a Trans* woman says she "always felt like a girl" take her on that, don't add "because I liked Barbie". If a Trans*woman says "I connected with and related to women more" let your brain stop there, don't read any desire for makeup tips or fashion advice.

If I never wear a dress again, I think I'll live.

My golly it's been some time

OK, so I'm totally at lunch at the new job. Yeah that's right a new job.... gooooo me! Thank the Gods for my friends. After far too long looking for work, I was able to get a super job at a great company. In traditional "friend of a friend need someone" styles, my pal called me and gave me a tip to an old co-worker who was looking for someone.

I was in training for the past week, so today is the start of the actual job - woo! The commute sucks ass (about 2 hours each way) but the office is, oddly, worth it. It's a smallish company, so everyone kinda knows everyone. The management is available, the benefits and pay are fair (OK who am I kidding, I pinched myself when I heard what my starting wage would be).

I'll be writing for the company, trying to strengthen their web community, and looking at customer service issues from a customer/client's perspective. So, it's a little bit bloggin', a little bit marketing, a little bit customer service, a little bit rock n' roll. Also, there is a nice level of vagueness as to what I'm actually supposed to do that would drive more anal-retentive people crazy. My job is kinda undefined, new, dynamic, and open to change - much like I am *wink*.

I hope that after the actual adjustment happens, and I get into some sort of routine, I will post more.. I mean tons of stuff going on that I have been wanting to talk about. Angie Zapata's murder trial has some news, Sarah Palin is making me cry (not why you may think), and dates are still going crappy for us and our friends.

Busy Gals - and a random thought

Both of us are in the middle of some job hunting, so we haven't been keeping this place as active as we planned. Wish us some collective luck.

Random thought that happened while writing this. A trans*woman is treated as a woman unless she gets read as trans. Then she becomes a REALLY gay man. If she has a history of attraction to men, that becomes the familliar combination of sexism and homophobia. If a Trans*woman is attracted to women, she is treated as a woman (sexism) and a lesbian (homo/lesbophobia), but if she is read as trans, then she ALSO becomes a REALLY gay man. It seems that my lesbian/bi trans-sisters have a complimentary double-dip in the icecream parlour of social stigma.