Yesterday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance. Most every person who reads this will be aware of the TODR and written about it or read something powerful about it. I have always had a link to the Remembering Our Dead site because it's that damn important to me.
I'm angry because we are still being killed. I am angry that our murders don't get solved. I am angry that the G the L and the B pay token attention to our issues.
But that's not why I'm PISSED. I'm PISSED because our lives are still erased by the media. Our names are written "IN QUOTES" like a nickname. We are "gay men" who "dressed as women". Our lives, our humanity, our identity is constantly questioned by cis-sexual society to the point we get no relief even in death. When we are murdered, we are somehow partly to blame.
The men who "admire" us are oddly absent at a TDOR. Our lives are only as valuable as their next orgasm. We are only allowed to be the sexy silly dolls of their little fantasy land. When the lights come on and their dreams are over, they are absent, silent, afraid.
At the end of the last TDOR I spoke to a couple friends about safety. I found out that the number of Trans*women I personally know who have been assaulted sexually is 100%. Yup ALL of us every age, every occupation, every socio-economic class. Most of us have been hit or threatened with violence by an intimate partner. Half of us have had our status as Trans* used as ammunition to coerce us into staying in a relationship, or not reporting violence.
I want to have an answer, and mostly I'm pissed that I don't.
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Friday, November 21, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Busy Gals - and a random thought
Both of us are in the middle of some job hunting, so we haven't been keeping this place as active as we planned. Wish us some collective luck.
Random thought that happened while writing this. A trans*woman is treated as a woman unless she gets read as trans. Then she becomes a REALLY gay man. If she has a history of attraction to men, that becomes the familliar combination of sexism and homophobia. If a Trans*woman is attracted to women, she is treated as a woman (sexism) and a lesbian (homo/lesbophobia), but if she is read as trans, then she ALSO becomes a REALLY gay man. It seems that my lesbian/bi trans-sisters have a complimentary double-dip in the icecream parlour of social stigma.
Random thought that happened while writing this. A trans*woman is treated as a woman unless she gets read as trans. Then she becomes a REALLY gay man. If she has a history of attraction to men, that becomes the familliar combination of sexism and homophobia. If a Trans*woman is attracted to women, she is treated as a woman (sexism) and a lesbian (homo/lesbophobia), but if she is read as trans, then she ALSO becomes a REALLY gay man. It seems that my lesbian/bi trans-sisters have a complimentary double-dip in the icecream parlour of social stigma.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
More Gender Discussion
As stated earlier, for some reason my awareness was always directed towards females in a way that was not true for my brothers. Men were "other" and while I received conditioning and socialization as a male, I also watched and learned and internalized female socialization.
Socialization that I sometimes needed Feminism to disect and process and ultimately try to change. As an adult, I found I had given myself very little agency in my life. Saying "no" was hard, particularly with men. Determining my own sexual and romantic needs and desires was (and still is) often impossible. Putting my needs before another's is still second nature.
In adulthood, my housemates were always women, mostly Lesbian women and always Feminists. We were all very politically active centering on GLBT, Women's, and Anti-Racist issues. I bring this up to offer another example of that *something* that understanding, that thing that hasn't a name yet. I GOT sexism, I saw it, I understood it, I could feel it. It was that way that boys and men acted that made me feel like I didn't belong. It was those comments they made and the way they looked at women that made me uncomfortable. It wasn't a political theory, or a social critique - it was the name of a very real part of my internal conflict.
This was in marked contrast with how I came to understand race and class issues. Comming from a place of relative privelege, I wasn't aware of how I contributed to raceism or classism. Thankfully I usually had the sense to shut up and listen when POCs would talk about Race. I accepted what they said as, at the very least, their truth. However there was a probably common period where I just really didn't "get it". I had to unlearn and examine myself in light of race and class opression.
I'm not saying I didn't have male privelege or use it. I'm also not saying that I had a childhood like a girl has a childhood. What I am saying it I saw my childhood and processed all the information I was given in a way that made "woman" the normal and "man" the other thing that wasn't safe and wasn't particularly important (except for being cute). Unlike my Raceism, which was the invisible unseen unchallenged "way things are".
My use of race and raceism isn't intended to compare opressions. Rather, I hope to show how a Trans* identity can filter social messages by using an example of social messages about race/class that were (unfortunately) more traditionally filtered and processed and challenged.
I have no idea if other Trans* people have anything like this. I am simply stating how I understand my childhood.
Socialization that I sometimes needed Feminism to disect and process and ultimately try to change. As an adult, I found I had given myself very little agency in my life. Saying "no" was hard, particularly with men. Determining my own sexual and romantic needs and desires was (and still is) often impossible. Putting my needs before another's is still second nature.
In adulthood, my housemates were always women, mostly Lesbian women and always Feminists. We were all very politically active centering on GLBT, Women's, and Anti-Racist issues. I bring this up to offer another example of that *something* that understanding, that thing that hasn't a name yet. I GOT sexism, I saw it, I understood it, I could feel it. It was that way that boys and men acted that made me feel like I didn't belong. It was those comments they made and the way they looked at women that made me uncomfortable. It wasn't a political theory, or a social critique - it was the name of a very real part of my internal conflict.
This was in marked contrast with how I came to understand race and class issues. Comming from a place of relative privelege, I wasn't aware of how I contributed to raceism or classism. Thankfully I usually had the sense to shut up and listen when POCs would talk about Race. I accepted what they said as, at the very least, their truth. However there was a probably common period where I just really didn't "get it". I had to unlearn and examine myself in light of race and class opression.
I'm not saying I didn't have male privelege or use it. I'm also not saying that I had a childhood like a girl has a childhood. What I am saying it I saw my childhood and processed all the information I was given in a way that made "woman" the normal and "man" the other thing that wasn't safe and wasn't particularly important (except for being cute). Unlike my Raceism, which was the invisible unseen unchallenged "way things are".
My use of race and raceism isn't intended to compare opressions. Rather, I hope to show how a Trans* identity can filter social messages by using an example of social messages about race/class that were (unfortunately) more traditionally filtered and processed and challenged.
I have no idea if other Trans* people have anything like this. I am simply stating how I understand my childhood.
Friday, August 29, 2008
A Little Fib
I was talking on yahoo Im with a friend a couple days ago. He insisted that I must have scores of guys in my daily life hitting on me. I told him that I was pretty painfully oblivious to that sort of thing.
This was not true.
I am aware of the not-so-subtle subtle ways guys try to get attention from the women they meet. The truth of the matter is, I flatly ignore it. Not because I'm vain or anything like that. It is simply safer that way. While I may be openly Trans, I'm also not wearing a sign. If it comes up, it comes up. I prefer organic disclosure.
The thing is, the revelation of my Trans status has one of two results in my history. 1) Someone who minutes ago was handing me his phone number or awkwardly asking me for coffee suddenly feels deceived and within his rights to be insulting, demeaning, or downright violent. 2) They get a really creepy look in their eyes as all the fantasy images of a "Chick with a Dick" play out in their heads.
I have been assulted in a bar, threatened outside my apartment, "outed" to everyone within shouting distance, and stalked. I simply don't want to test those waters any more. It's one of those priveliges that my non-trans sisters have - the ability to have a relationship form mutual interests, attraction, communication, and happenstance.
It isn't like I hide the fact that I'm trans. Everyone close to me knows. If there is an issue or a snyde comment made about trans*people, I speak up. I'm comfortable being "out there" - on MY terms. Having a suitor who isn't up to speed from the start potentially removes MY control over MY environment, thus infringing on MY safety.
It stinks because there is this cute and quiet guy at work who keeps giving me these shy little smiles. He "happened" to have gotten an extra coffee from Starbucks that just "happened" to be one of my favorite flavors and gave it to me. So I go through my day pointedly ignoring his rather charming little self (and some others as well). The double-stuff of the suck is... well.. I GET how he feels. I've been there, I *could* be the cool gal who sees this and appreciates him. Instead, my own hard-won fear and dread of that look that happens when the guy isn't expecting the big (or not so big *laf*) news.
This was not true.
I am aware of the not-so-subtle subtle ways guys try to get attention from the women they meet. The truth of the matter is, I flatly ignore it. Not because I'm vain or anything like that. It is simply safer that way. While I may be openly Trans, I'm also not wearing a sign. If it comes up, it comes up. I prefer organic disclosure.
The thing is, the revelation of my Trans status has one of two results in my history. 1) Someone who minutes ago was handing me his phone number or awkwardly asking me for coffee suddenly feels deceived and within his rights to be insulting, demeaning, or downright violent. 2) They get a really creepy look in their eyes as all the fantasy images of a "Chick with a Dick" play out in their heads.
I have been assulted in a bar, threatened outside my apartment, "outed" to everyone within shouting distance, and stalked. I simply don't want to test those waters any more. It's one of those priveliges that my non-trans sisters have - the ability to have a relationship form mutual interests, attraction, communication, and happenstance.
It isn't like I hide the fact that I'm trans. Everyone close to me knows. If there is an issue or a snyde comment made about trans*people, I speak up. I'm comfortable being "out there" - on MY terms. Having a suitor who isn't up to speed from the start potentially removes MY control over MY environment, thus infringing on MY safety.
It stinks because there is this cute and quiet guy at work who keeps giving me these shy little smiles. He "happened" to have gotten an extra coffee from Starbucks that just "happened" to be one of my favorite flavors and gave it to me. So I go through my day pointedly ignoring his rather charming little self (and some others as well). The double-stuff of the suck is... well.. I GET how he feels. I've been there, I *could* be the cool gal who sees this and appreciates him. Instead, my own hard-won fear and dread of that look that happens when the guy isn't expecting the big (or not so big *laf*) news.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Discussing Gender
I want to discuss gender. I want to discuss this from a place of questioning and experience, rather than a place of opression and theory. While both theory and opression are important to the discussion of gender, too often gendered experiences are dismissed (particularly when he experience comes from a trans* person).
One thing I'd like to talk about are some of my earliest understandings. It is important to understand how children learn about the world. Children learn through instruction, but mostly it is through observation. Most children will pay close attention to adults who closely match their sex. Boy children will learn how to be a man by watching the men in their life - thus you have generational abusers who may have been instructed not to hit women, but observed men hitting women.
As far back as I can remember, my observations have always been of the women in my life. The men were simply not that important or interesting. If a book, movie or TV show didn't have a compelling female character, I was not interested. I watched and learned how to be an adult by watching my mother, grandmothers, aunts, and to a lesser extent televison (good thing mom was a pretty right-on woman, because the tv women back in the day were often pretty poor role models).
I was aware of inequality in the work my mother performed (she was a stay-at-home parent) and my father (construction). Unequal as far as how their individual contributions were regarded. I was, and have always been, very aware of sexist comments, because those comments didn't reflect ME or the women I knew - not because "mamma raised me right" (although she didn't do a bad job either).
When I say "I always knew I was a girl". I am NOT saying "I liked to play with dolls" or "I wore momma's heals when she wasn't looking." What I am saying is for SOME reason, I took all my social cues from the women around me, even when cues by males were equally available. MEN were the "other" in my life as a child before elementary school. I had a close relationship with my father until I came out (first as gay, then trans) so it isn't like we had a strained relationship, or he was absent from my life. I just didn't relate to him as a model for who I was to become as an adult.
I'd like to take and expand on this from time to time, because I think there really is SOMETHING to gender. Part of the problem with discussing Trans issues is a shared understanding of gender, but no convenient language to talk about it.
One thing I'd like to talk about are some of my earliest understandings. It is important to understand how children learn about the world. Children learn through instruction, but mostly it is through observation. Most children will pay close attention to adults who closely match their sex. Boy children will learn how to be a man by watching the men in their life - thus you have generational abusers who may have been instructed not to hit women, but observed men hitting women.
As far back as I can remember, my observations have always been of the women in my life. The men were simply not that important or interesting. If a book, movie or TV show didn't have a compelling female character, I was not interested. I watched and learned how to be an adult by watching my mother, grandmothers, aunts, and to a lesser extent televison (good thing mom was a pretty right-on woman, because the tv women back in the day were often pretty poor role models).
I was aware of inequality in the work my mother performed (she was a stay-at-home parent) and my father (construction). Unequal as far as how their individual contributions were regarded. I was, and have always been, very aware of sexist comments, because those comments didn't reflect ME or the women I knew - not because "mamma raised me right" (although she didn't do a bad job either).
When I say "I always knew I was a girl". I am NOT saying "I liked to play with dolls" or "I wore momma's heals when she wasn't looking." What I am saying is for SOME reason, I took all my social cues from the women around me, even when cues by males were equally available. MEN were the "other" in my life as a child before elementary school. I had a close relationship with my father until I came out (first as gay, then trans) so it isn't like we had a strained relationship, or he was absent from my life. I just didn't relate to him as a model for who I was to become as an adult.
I'd like to take and expand on this from time to time, because I think there really is SOMETHING to gender. Part of the problem with discussing Trans issues is a shared understanding of gender, but no convenient language to talk about it.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I got to Thinking
I read Questioning Transphobia regularly. I have to say Lisa Harney is one of my idols, along with RiftGirl they were the unwitting kick in the pants I needed to start this little blog (along with other groovy friends who told both of us we needed to talk less and write more).
Anyway, a recent shit storm on the F Word blog is documented and commented on QT.
http://questioningtransphobia.wordpress.com/
This reminded me of some conversations I have had with long time Lesbian Feminist friends of mine. A few things keep comming up when talking with my friends and also talking with RadFems on the Internt that I would like to discuss.
1) You can be a "different kind of man (woman)".
This assumes I didn't actually TRY that - for YEARS.. and YEARS.
2) "I wasn't comfortable being a 'girl' growing up, but through soul-searching and really processing my feelings and society's demands on women I was able to be comfortable as a butch lesbian who loves her female body."
This one REALLY stinks. It stinks to the highest heaven. It centers a Trans* person's life on the cis-gendered person's experience of comming to terms with their own non-conforming gender expression. It further claims that what's good enough for them is good enough for me. It assumes, again, that I didn't Try that for YEARS..and YEARS.
3) "In MY world there would be no gender, so no need to transition. Everyone could dress and act the way they pleased."
Awesome.. I wanna live there too. Except.. well, I would still be transitioning. See it isn't about clothes, or hair, or shaving, or makeup. I did all that yummy goodness as a BIG OLE SISSY boy. The thing is - I UNDERSTOOD myself, from as early as I can remember, as being a girl. There is nothing more to say because there isn't language to express it. The affectations of "feminity" are just that - props to be used or discarded at my whim. The UNDERSTANDING is not the same as a desire to put on mum's shoes.
4) "There is so much pressure to transition. It's like if you don't feel enough like a guy or a gal you should transition."
My assumption from this is the pressure is comming from within the Trans* community. I haven't seen it. Quite the opposite actually. When I was first seriously questioning transition every Trans*woman I met was quick to point out that being a Drag Queen, or a Cross Dresser, or a sissy guy was valid and perfectly OK.
If the pressure is supposed to be somming from society - WHAT??!! Let me say without hesitation - me being seen as a shy sissified gay boy was so much easier than being seen as Trans. Night and day - seriously.
Also, the underlying theme here is that transitioning is somehow easier than being non-conforming to one's birth sex. That Trans* folks are taking the path of least resistance. Again I'll say from where I sit, it was a hell of alot easier to be a fey man than a tranny.
Anyway, a recent shit storm on the F Word blog is documented and commented on QT.
http://questioningtransphobia.wordpress.com/
This reminded me of some conversations I have had with long time Lesbian Feminist friends of mine. A few things keep comming up when talking with my friends and also talking with RadFems on the Internt that I would like to discuss.
1) You can be a "different kind of man (woman)".
This assumes I didn't actually TRY that - for YEARS.. and YEARS.
2) "I wasn't comfortable being a 'girl' growing up, but through soul-searching and really processing my feelings and society's demands on women I was able to be comfortable as a butch lesbian who loves her female body."
This one REALLY stinks. It stinks to the highest heaven. It centers a Trans* person's life on the cis-gendered person's experience of comming to terms with their own non-conforming gender expression. It further claims that what's good enough for them is good enough for me. It assumes, again, that I didn't Try that for YEARS..and YEARS.
3) "In MY world there would be no gender, so no need to transition. Everyone could dress and act the way they pleased."
Awesome.. I wanna live there too. Except.. well, I would still be transitioning. See it isn't about clothes, or hair, or shaving, or makeup. I did all that yummy goodness as a BIG OLE SISSY boy. The thing is - I UNDERSTOOD myself, from as early as I can remember, as being a girl. There is nothing more to say because there isn't language to express it. The affectations of "feminity" are just that - props to be used or discarded at my whim. The UNDERSTANDING is not the same as a desire to put on mum's shoes.
4) "There is so much pressure to transition. It's like if you don't feel enough like a guy or a gal you should transition."
My assumption from this is the pressure is comming from within the Trans* community. I haven't seen it. Quite the opposite actually. When I was first seriously questioning transition every Trans*woman I met was quick to point out that being a Drag Queen, or a Cross Dresser, or a sissy guy was valid and perfectly OK.
If the pressure is supposed to be somming from society - WHAT??!! Let me say without hesitation - me being seen as a shy sissified gay boy was so much easier than being seen as Trans. Night and day - seriously.
Also, the underlying theme here is that transitioning is somehow easier than being non-conforming to one's birth sex. That Trans* folks are taking the path of least resistance. Again I'll say from where I sit, it was a hell of alot easier to be a fey man than a tranny.
Friday, August 1, 2008
"Things" Update Pt 2
Everyone is home and doing well. C's fella had been away on a job site out of town and he came back as soon as he heard what happened. So.. maybe I can say that someone I know has a decent guy. He's been by her side since he got back and is using some vacation time to remain with her.
She still isn't pressing charges. After some thought, I probably wouldn't either given her situation. That was a sobering thought, but realistic just the same. It isn't fair because she had to choose between different types of safety. No person should have to choose something like that.
I want to end this post on a happy note. C visits the blog (and needs to frakkin comment sometime) and she is overwhelmed with the messages and emails I have received. She sends her thanks and an e-hug. Now we just need to get her to do it herself (grumbles about techno-impared trannies).
She still isn't pressing charges. After some thought, I probably wouldn't either given her situation. That was a sobering thought, but realistic just the same. It isn't fair because she had to choose between different types of safety. No person should have to choose something like that.
I want to end this post on a happy note. C visits the blog (and needs to frakkin comment sometime) and she is overwhelmed with the messages and emails I have received. She sends her thanks and an e-hug. Now we just need to get her to do it herself (grumbles about techno-impared trannies).
Monday, July 14, 2008
I Pass
Lately, the fact that I an and do pass as a woman within my age-group has become a dating nightmare. Now, I don't want this to come off as a "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" type of post. Seriously, I'm not THAT vain - nor do I put that much stock in my looks. But, I DO get attention from men and women who don't know or don't date trans-women. I also get LOTS of attention from guys who do "date" girls like me. Particularly on the Internet dating sites I frequent.
The fact that I pass coupled with the fact that I'm comfortable and open about my status severely limits my ability to date. I have gone to straight clubs and have had guys trying to pick me up. My need for honesty compells me to disclose my status, not on the second or third date - but at "May I buy you a drink?" A couple ass-whuppings later, and I don't go out without an escort who can and will help me defend myself. Because I'm not comfortable with putting someone I like at risk, I just don't go out.
Online affords me the ability to to meet guys and not have to disclose anything about my history. Since that bit is taken care of for me by the sites. I get my share of curious guys, married guys, dudes with a fetish, etc. What I also get are guys who come across as complete gentlemen. They are (oddly) impressed that I'm smart and witty and tell me that those are the qualities they are looking for. The email and chat exchanges and phone calls eventually start to get more serious. These guys are seemingly looking for a girl-friend and they think I'm "the one". Each and every one of them fails for one of more of the following reasons:
1) They mention "You look like a girl, not a guy in a dress" - I dig that people like what they like, but I USED TO LOOK LIKE A GUY IN A DRESS. That and once I'm out as trans, I get considered a guy in a frikking dress.
2) They don't want to know anything about my past living as a guy. - I did some cool stuff as a guy, and I won't erase part of my history to ease someone's sense of sexual identity.
3) They expect me to be stealth. - I'm openly Trans, no shame, no regrets. While I have no interest in being the Tranny spokes-model, I won't lie or edit.
4) They throw in words like "Dirty Secret" or "My friends won't know what you are hiding". It's like the one above, but has a really creepy sexual vibe. This normally comes out like "You'll be my dirty little secret. I can't wait to have my friends see you and how pretty you are. They'll have no idea that when we get home I'll be playing with your _________". ICKY!!!!
At this point, I'm talking to a really nice guy. He's sweet and kind and educated. I don't know if he likes ME or the idea of ME. I never know until I have invested something in a relationship emotionally and end up feeling like crap.
I also know that I get treated so much better by the guys out there than some of my sisters. While I have gotten called a "fag with tits" more than I can count when I turn a guy down, guys usually go the extra mile to treat me well while wooing me. I have started editing my profiles to remove face pics because I realy want to be sure that guys are liking the strong, semi-independant, silly, nerdy, uptight, cranky, smart, funny chyck that I have become. Not a face that looks like a "beautiful 'normal' girl with something extra" (as a number of my emails tend to start off).
The fact that I pass coupled with the fact that I'm comfortable and open about my status severely limits my ability to date. I have gone to straight clubs and have had guys trying to pick me up. My need for honesty compells me to disclose my status, not on the second or third date - but at "May I buy you a drink?" A couple ass-whuppings later, and I don't go out without an escort who can and will help me defend myself. Because I'm not comfortable with putting someone I like at risk, I just don't go out.
Online affords me the ability to to meet guys and not have to disclose anything about my history. Since that bit is taken care of for me by the sites. I get my share of curious guys, married guys, dudes with a fetish, etc. What I also get are guys who come across as complete gentlemen. They are (oddly) impressed that I'm smart and witty and tell me that those are the qualities they are looking for. The email and chat exchanges and phone calls eventually start to get more serious. These guys are seemingly looking for a girl-friend and they think I'm "the one". Each and every one of them fails for one of more of the following reasons:
1) They mention "You look like a girl, not a guy in a dress" - I dig that people like what they like, but I USED TO LOOK LIKE A GUY IN A DRESS. That and once I'm out as trans, I get considered a guy in a frikking dress.
2) They don't want to know anything about my past living as a guy. - I did some cool stuff as a guy, and I won't erase part of my history to ease someone's sense of sexual identity.
3) They expect me to be stealth. - I'm openly Trans, no shame, no regrets. While I have no interest in being the Tranny spokes-model, I won't lie or edit.
4) They throw in words like "Dirty Secret" or "My friends won't know what you are hiding". It's like the one above, but has a really creepy sexual vibe. This normally comes out like "You'll be my dirty little secret. I can't wait to have my friends see you and how pretty you are. They'll have no idea that when we get home I'll be playing with your _________". ICKY!!!!
At this point, I'm talking to a really nice guy. He's sweet and kind and educated. I don't know if he likes ME or the idea of ME. I never know until I have invested something in a relationship emotionally and end up feeling like crap.
I also know that I get treated so much better by the guys out there than some of my sisters. While I have gotten called a "fag with tits" more than I can count when I turn a guy down, guys usually go the extra mile to treat me well while wooing me. I have started editing my profiles to remove face pics because I realy want to be sure that guys are liking the strong, semi-independant, silly, nerdy, uptight, cranky, smart, funny chyck that I have become. Not a face that looks like a "beautiful 'normal' girl with something extra" (as a number of my emails tend to start off).
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Birthday
Yes today I celebrate my birth. No, I won't tell how old I am. I'll use this time to reflect on friends and perhaps unplug (ok ok turn on vibrate) the phone. I have nothing planned today and I like it that way.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
First Time Out
I have a Transgender identity. I understand myself to be a woman who developed a male body. Cross Dressing was never a big part of my life ever. I'm talking the odd Halloween costume or not particularly checking which side the button holes were on if I found something I liked. I never had a real urge to get "dolled up"... we can chalk that up to being lazy and in blissful denial. To this day, I don't feel any comfort in "dressing". I don't hate it, but it has never been the focus or even a particularly compelling aspect of transitioning.
A couple months ago an Internet friend who lives close spent the weekend with my partner and I. She's Trans and that weekend was a TG bar night. I had never gone being ruther shy and still having issued getting stuff together (wig that looked ok, clothes..stuff). My friend and I spent some time getting ready, it was fun. I went to put on a blouse that looked pretty good on me, but forgot that I had used the back of my hand for my foundation and ended up with makeup smeared on my new white top *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*.
I was nervous. I was dressing for the public as a transwoman for the first time. This wasn't a Halloween lark, this was ME. I would be meeting new people and didn't want to look shabby. I ruined the top I was comfortable wearing. I grabbed a different top (after cleaning the back of my hand) - a simple hoodie. I put on my hair and my boobies took a deep breath and headed out.
I paused long enough to ask my partner how I looked. He's usually dismissive or will joke about my ass being big or something. This time he rolled his eyes, and said "You look like a Drag Queen Hooker. There IS a difference between looking like a woman and looking like a boy in a dress." My friend gabbed my arm and forced me in the car and we went.. unfortunately, I was done for the night. My confidence was shaken, my resolve questioned, and my hope I could have an understanding supportive partner was removed. It didn't matter that a guy flirted with me, that the other gals were amazingly friendly and welcoming, or even that I objectively didn't look bad that night. What mattered was what I was told, that my identity was negated.
Generally the hubby is super, he's a great guy. I know he's afraid and this is hard for him. O know that he has lots and lots of other things he's dealing with. I'm just tired of feeling selfish and irresponsible every time I take a step to feminize.
A couple months ago an Internet friend who lives close spent the weekend with my partner and I. She's Trans and that weekend was a TG bar night. I had never gone being ruther shy and still having issued getting stuff together (wig that looked ok, clothes..stuff). My friend and I spent some time getting ready, it was fun. I went to put on a blouse that looked pretty good on me, but forgot that I had used the back of my hand for my foundation and ended up with makeup smeared on my new white top *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*.
I was nervous. I was dressing for the public as a transwoman for the first time. This wasn't a Halloween lark, this was ME. I would be meeting new people and didn't want to look shabby. I ruined the top I was comfortable wearing. I grabbed a different top (after cleaning the back of my hand) - a simple hoodie. I put on my hair and my boobies took a deep breath and headed out.
I paused long enough to ask my partner how I looked. He's usually dismissive or will joke about my ass being big or something. This time he rolled his eyes, and said "You look like a Drag Queen Hooker. There IS a difference between looking like a woman and looking like a boy in a dress." My friend gabbed my arm and forced me in the car and we went.. unfortunately, I was done for the night. My confidence was shaken, my resolve questioned, and my hope I could have an understanding supportive partner was removed. It didn't matter that a guy flirted with me, that the other gals were amazingly friendly and welcoming, or even that I objectively didn't look bad that night. What mattered was what I was told, that my identity was negated.
Generally the hubby is super, he's a great guy. I know he's afraid and this is hard for him. O know that he has lots and lots of other things he's dealing with. I'm just tired of feeling selfish and irresponsible every time I take a step to feminize.
Friday, July 4, 2008
I was out woth a couple friends last night, and I was drinking something stronger than my usual Coke on the Rocks. I was having a good time with my partner and two friends. I don't remember how the topic came up but my partner made the comment "Well, the reason you aren't going thorugh with being a tranny is.." I cut him off and interjected "What do you mean 'not going through'"?
I had more I wanted to say, but even tipsy I knew better than to spill 6 months wouth of anxiety and angst in the middle of a neighborhood bar with two good friends who would have become uncomfortable.
The ONLY reasons I'm not sporting bewbz and gobbling down hormones is... HIM!! and money... about equal measures of those actually. It ht me how little he has been involved in the single most significant thing that has happened in my life. By his choice.
I don't think he knows that protecting him from his anxiety regarding my transsexual identity crisis has made me essentially plod through this without his help or support or generally very good advice. He doesn't know that this is on the edge of my mind every moment of every day. Trying to figure out, not who I am, but what I'm going to do about it. He doesn't want to know, so I keep him safe. He can't help me and this makes me very sad.
I had more I wanted to say, but even tipsy I knew better than to spill 6 months wouth of anxiety and angst in the middle of a neighborhood bar with two good friends who would have become uncomfortable.
The ONLY reasons I'm not sporting bewbz and gobbling down hormones is... HIM!! and money... about equal measures of those actually. It ht me how little he has been involved in the single most significant thing that has happened in my life. By his choice.
I don't think he knows that protecting him from his anxiety regarding my transsexual identity crisis has made me essentially plod through this without his help or support or generally very good advice. He doesn't know that this is on the edge of my mind every moment of every day. Trying to figure out, not who I am, but what I'm going to do about it. He doesn't want to know, so I keep him safe. He can't help me and this makes me very sad.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Grumpy Emails
I recently had an online discussion with a guy who is looking to explore his curiosity for "special girls". I won't lie, I get contacted by guys on TG dating sites lots some are sweet and some are total jackasses. This one comment stood out and why I am writing this after some processing.
"Most of these sites are full of ugly cross dressers and beautiful prostitutes".. ok he used a different word for "prostitute". He went on to compliment me on how I look etc. and hoped I was "for real" not not another "gurl after my money".
It's a common enough comment, either expressed or implied, by men who date us. Here is the deal guys. Every Trans* woman can pass and be beautiful - with surgery. Every man I have talked to wants a totally "passable" TS who looks like a gorgeous woman, but with the ability and desire to top. Here is the issue as I see it...
1) These guys never take a moment to apply the same standards to their own bodies/looks. If you can't snag a hot 20-something cis woman, why do you think you can snag a hot (er) Trans woman???
Don't get me wrong, I've dated guys and really liked guys who were very very average as are as looks went. They had a personality and humor that won me over. So it's not just looks I'm talking about, but the whole package.
2) The surgeries needed by most of us to "pass" well enough to try to meet the standards of the "curious and looking" are really expensive. In my case, I pass..very well. I guess I'm pretty cute, I'm $30,000 in debt because of it. That's after paying off a good portion over the past few years.
I don't own a car because of my face, I don't have a home because of my face, I don't have lots of luxuries because of my face. I'm actually pretty much broke and will be for the next 30 years...because of my face. I honestly don't begrudge a cute young T-girl for wanting some help handling her bills. It's hard to get a job even if you are "stealth", and getting a GOOD job is even harder... much less keeping it if they find out.
A friend of mine called me out about my surgical debt. "Girlina, your vanity got you inna this.. maybe you need ta use that ta get out." ... yes, she calls me "Girlina" *sigh*. The thing is, it was partly vanity, partly luck, and partly fear that made me have this series of surgeries, and I'm very pleased with the results. Vanity, because 7 years ago when I started, I swore that I'd stop if I couldn't look REALLY good. Luck, because I was able to fund my surgeries because I had a man who could support me while I save for them. Fear, because I didn't want to get my ass beat anymore.
So guys, look at you in the mirror, because I guarantee you that TSs on the scene encounter two types of men. "Pathetic guys who think we are so hard up we'll deal with their crap or Hot guys who stay long enough to pop and then freak out." See the knife cuts both ways.. sucks don't it.
"Most of these sites are full of ugly cross dressers and beautiful prostitutes".. ok he used a different word for "prostitute". He went on to compliment me on how I look etc. and hoped I was "for real" not not another "gurl after my money".
It's a common enough comment, either expressed or implied, by men who date us. Here is the deal guys. Every Trans* woman can pass and be beautiful - with surgery. Every man I have talked to wants a totally "passable" TS who looks like a gorgeous woman, but with the ability and desire to top. Here is the issue as I see it...
1) These guys never take a moment to apply the same standards to their own bodies/looks. If you can't snag a hot 20-something cis woman, why do you think you can snag a hot (er) Trans woman???
Don't get me wrong, I've dated guys and really liked guys who were very very average as are as looks went. They had a personality and humor that won me over. So it's not just looks I'm talking about, but the whole package.
2) The surgeries needed by most of us to "pass" well enough to try to meet the standards of the "curious and looking" are really expensive. In my case, I pass..very well. I guess I'm pretty cute, I'm $30,000 in debt because of it. That's after paying off a good portion over the past few years.
I don't own a car because of my face, I don't have a home because of my face, I don't have lots of luxuries because of my face. I'm actually pretty much broke and will be for the next 30 years...because of my face. I honestly don't begrudge a cute young T-girl for wanting some help handling her bills. It's hard to get a job even if you are "stealth", and getting a GOOD job is even harder... much less keeping it if they find out.
A friend of mine called me out about my surgical debt. "Girlina, your vanity got you inna this.. maybe you need ta use that ta get out." ... yes, she calls me "Girlina" *sigh*. The thing is, it was partly vanity, partly luck, and partly fear that made me have this series of surgeries, and I'm very pleased with the results. Vanity, because 7 years ago when I started, I swore that I'd stop if I couldn't look REALLY good. Luck, because I was able to fund my surgeries because I had a man who could support me while I save for them. Fear, because I didn't want to get my ass beat anymore.
So guys, look at you in the mirror, because I guarantee you that TSs on the scene encounter two types of men. "Pathetic guys who think we are so hard up we'll deal with their crap or Hot guys who stay long enough to pop and then freak out." See the knife cuts both ways.. sucks don't it.
Ask a Tranny
The rioTgirls are members of a few online forums that cater to Trans* women and also dug around the Internet and found a couple places where those men who date us (well mostly want to share porn about us) gather. In our time on these sites we have had a number of people ask us privately some very good questions. Right now, I'd like to answer one that is near and dear to my heart, and perhaps this can become a continuing feature.
Q: I'm a new T-gurl and I really want to look like a woman. I have heard mention that silicone injections work really well in feminizing the body while maintaining orgasm. Is this true?
A: First, I'm not one to tell another person what to do with their body. All I can do is deliver some facts and tell you what I have done or would be willing to do. Some facts... Yes, you CAN achieve some really amazing results with injections and since it isn't a hormone, it won't interfere with the production of testosterone (so you will be able to remain "fully functional"). It will also do nothing for the production of body hair, and the continued masculinization of the skeleton. These can only be done with hormone therapy.
Also, it should be mentioned that this is completely ILLEGAL and UNSAFE. No doctor would recommend this for his/her Trans* patients. You are essentially letting some untrained person with a needle inject what amounts to bathroom caulking into your body. Guess what happens? Yes.. women FRIKKING DIE because the crap gets injected into their veins by accident, or their lungs. That's right they DIE!! Sometimes they don't die immediately, but they end up in a coma, or losing the ability to use the part of their body that was injected. Imagine not being able to use your hips..and legs.. and feet because the nervous system and muscles are all "gooped up".
Most women don't die from this however..initially. Further down the line, silicone migrates because it's heavier than fat... so over time the silicone will travel down and can pass through organs (see above for the Death and coma bit). Eventually you have silicone "pooling" in parts of your body.
Silicone gets hard eventually. Either you get it scooped out as it starts to migrate (expensive procedure that.. and dangerous on its own..and not easy to do) or you start to get hard silicone lumps where it's pooling. Yeah, think about that.. you get a little "bump" in our forehead to get a female face, and eventually you have a series of painful hard bumps along your brow ridge, moving toward your optic nerves. Oh and migrating silicone REALLY wants to migrate all the way out of your body. You know, like Chyna from the WWE when her implants busted out on the mat.. except injected silicone isn't in a container... it's just kinda drippy and clumpy and gross.
I caution women from doing this. I can't stress the "YOU CAN DIE" part enough. I do, however, know how appealing it is. Cosmetic surgery is expensive, HRT takes time and money and the results are so varied from person to person. I know, I've been there.. I am there.. I'd kill to look like some of those women in the movies. Silicone injections can help us pass and hold down jobs and not get mocked on the street. It makes our date ability increase as we become more like that fantasy of the hot chick with a working tool.
Again, I'm not here to tell someone how to transition. It's as individual as the person doing it. I think it is prudent to understand that few shortcuts ever work as intended. Seriously think about your future and your future well being. You can go to jail or be fined for attending a "pumping party", you will eventually have to "touch up" the areas as the silicone migrates, your health and very life are in the hands of someone who is untrained and unprepared to intervene in case something goes wrong.
I'd never do it, and would never help someone I know do it. I would actively try to talk them out of it. But, I have friends who have done it and look very good. The bottom line is... is this really worth it???
Q: I'm a new T-gurl and I really want to look like a woman
A: First, I'm not one to tell another person what to do with their body. All I can do is deliver some facts and tell you what I have done or would be willing to do. Some facts... Yes, you CAN achieve some really amazing results with injections and since it isn't a hormone, it won't interfere with the production of testosterone (so you will be able to remain "fully functional"). It will also do nothing for the production of body hair, and the continued masculinization of the skeleton. These can only be done with hormone therapy.
Also, it should be mentioned that this is completely ILLEGAL and UNSAFE. No doctor would recommend this for his/her Trans* patients. You are essentially letting some untrained person with a needle inject what amounts to bathroom caulking into your body. Guess what happens? Yes.. women FRIKKING DIE because the crap gets injected into their veins by accident, or their lungs. That's right they DIE!! Sometimes they don't die immediately, but they end up in a coma, or losing the ability to use the part of their body that was injected. Imagine not being able to use your hips..and legs.. and feet because the nervous system and muscles are all "gooped up".
Most women don't die from this however..initially. Further down the line, silicone migrates because it's heavier than fat... so over time the silicone will travel down and can pass through organs (see above for the Death and coma bit). Eventually you have silicone "pooling" in parts of your body.
Silicone gets hard eventually. Either you get it scooped out as it starts to migrate (expensive procedure that.. and dangerous on its own..and not easy to do) or you start to get hard silicone lumps where it's pooling. Yeah, think about that.. you get a little "bump" in our forehead to get a female face, and eventually you have a series of painful hard bumps along your brow ridge, moving toward your optic nerves. Oh and migrating silicone REALLY wants to migrate all the way out of your body. You know, like Chyna from the WWE when her implants busted out on the mat.. except injected silicone isn't in a container... it's just kinda drippy and clumpy and gross.
I caution women from doing this. I can't stress the "YOU CAN DIE" part enough. I do, however, know how appealing it is. Cosmetic surgery is expensive, HRT takes time and money and the results are so varied from person to person. I know, I've been there.. I am there.. I'd kill to look like some of those women in the movies. Silicone injections can help us pass and hold down jobs and not get mocked on the street. It makes our date ability increase as we become more like that fantasy of the hot chick with a working tool.
Again, I'm not here to tell someone how to transition. It's as individual as the person doing it. I think it is prudent to understand that few shortcuts ever work as intended. Seriously think about your future and your future well being. You can go to jail or be fined for attending a "pumping party", you will eventually have to "touch up" the areas as the silicone migrates, your health and very life are in the hands of someone who is untrained and unprepared to intervene in case something goes wrong.
I'd never do it, and would never help someone I know do it. I would actively try to talk them out of it. But, I have friends who have done it and look very good. The bottom line is... is this really worth it???
Vanity's Fully Functional Price
I met with an old friend of mine this year at the local Gay Price Parade. I was happy to see her, we were to early 20's Trans-girls trying to navgate the many turns and potholes this road has. I hadn't seen her for maybe 4 years until Saturday afternoon. We lost contact after she moved to NYC to be with the man of her dreams. When she left she was this fresh transwoman with new boobs and a nicely developing set of hips. She was funny and gracious and generous - a little gipsy who trusted everyone.
Who I met Saturday made my mouth drop open and gape. Here was a stunning beauty that caused heads to turn - even the gay bois seemed to appreciate her. I'm pretty cute.. some have said quite pretty.. but she is just WOW!! After exchanging hugs and eager to catch up we sat on the sidewalk and drank some coffee.
The love of her life left her for a ciswoman (so did mine) and she has been actively dating in The Big Apple (she was only here for a wedding and decided to stay for Pride). I won't get into all the silly reaquaintaing stuff, and I'll get to the point of this post - mostly because I'm a little angry and want to get this off my chest.
My friend, who looks quite attractive and VERY shapely... like a PERFECT woman's body, is having silcone injections to get the figure an face of a woman while retaining the ever popular "Fully Functional" tool. She mentioned that the guys in NYC really aren't interested if you have a "tiny hormone prick the won't work" (with a giggle even!!).
Now let me say I don't care what any woman decides to do with her body - well I care, but I believe that we have the ablity as thinking humans to make up our own minds. I am also aware that silicone injections are a less expensive option for feminization than hormones treatment and plastic surgery. I kow for a fact it is VERY popular amongst TGs in Central and South America and used by some TGs in the sex industry. It is popular all over the US for its ability to provide amazingly appealing results.
So what's the problem Tranny???... The froblem is PEOPLE DIE EVERY MONTH FROM THIS. Every single month women die from having some untrained chyck sticking a needle in the bottoms, hips, breasts, face, lips..yes even penis. If they inject into, oh maybe one of the hundreds of veins in the body.. you guessed it.. you die. How about a coma? or loss of feeling and function of the targeted body part?
Let's look at this. MOST women who do this don't die and aren't in a coma. On the other hand, it IS illegal and the FDA has not approved silicone injections for cosmetic use. I wonder why? Perhaps it's because it is barely a temporary solution. Unlike silicone IMPLANTS, there is no container for the silicone INJECTION. Silicone is heavier than fat, so it migrates. Those round plump hips will soon enough start to sag as the silicone moves toward the ground (gravity and all). Silicone tends to clump and harden too, so not only is the stuff moving (potentially entering the blood stream or organs on the way - more causes of DEATH) it is turning into hard lumps.
It's a Catch 22 for many of us. We can't afford surgery to feminize so we don't pass. We are hard to employ because we look like "men in skirts". If we can pass better, we can land a better job and afford to do stuff the "proper" way. I get it- I really REALLY do. This is what made me nearly cry ... my friend's main reason was because men demand a model looking woman with a fully functional tool. She claims that at least in NYC all the pretty gurls do it to stay "ahead of the game".
This make me sad and angry. The level of sexist expectations is HUGE, and important. However, the fact that someone I know and love is injecting bathroom calking into her body. If any woman Trans or not is considering this, please PLEASE reconsider. If you can look at the risks and see the results that don't end up in "Brazillian Shemail Sextravaganza Part 12" and STILL want this...... I just don't know.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Men in My Life #1
Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of Toby the eldest of my babies. He's camera shy, and the best I can do is get a quick shot of his tail as he's running away. He's Lab/Greyhound and very tall and lanky. He's also CRAZY fast... thing is, he'd never run away. We have had the dogs get out before, and good old Toby just hangs out in the yard.
He's the quintessential "mama's boy" following me around everywhere I go. He is also rather odd for a Lab i that he is absolutely petrified of water - even rain. Poor guy :(
We got all the dogs from the local Humane Society as puppies. Thus far they are the best guys a gal could ever have.. well except for my hubby *wink*
He's the quintessential "mama's boy" following me around everywhere I go. He is also rather odd for a Lab i that he is absolutely petrified of water - even rain. Poor guy :(
We got all the dogs from the local Humane Society as puppies. Thus far they are the best guys a gal could ever have.. well except for my hubby *wink*
Men in my Life #2
This handsome fella is Jake. He's almost 90 pounds (2 stone) of mean, bully, cuddle-butt!! I think he has saved us from many many break-ins since he looks really mean and has quite a bark. I have no doubt that he would seriously mess up anyone who tried to hurt momma. On the other hand, he's by buddy and loves to snuggle and give little (well rather BIG) kisses. He's also super around children - very gentle and protective.The men in my life #3
This is Mylo. He's our youngest and the most.. energetic.. that's a good word for him. He's Lab/Shepherd/Akita mix and stands about 14" tall, not counting those ears. He's also the biggest photo ham, pushing the others out of the way to get his mug on film.He really is a spoiled little baby and gets the other two in trouble all the time.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Who's THAT Girl?
Well, it may be more effective to say what I'm not..
I am neither a CD (Cross Dresser) or a TV (Transvestite). Both of these are quite fine things to be, but not my thing. For me "Dressing up" putting on makeup, panties, matching my purse and my shoes isn't particularly fun, I don't get a thrill out of it - let's face it, I'm getting up an hour earlier than I used to to put on a face for work... not exactly hyper glam that.. My taste in clothes isn't particularly "girlie" .. lace kinda itches and overly ruffled clothes kinda confuse me. I wear the female version of the clothes I wore as a man (hoodies cut for the fem body, jeans, sneakers, etc). I own dresses, but they are more of a fun retro/ironic thing or simple and understated.. no bangles and boas here.... (So, not a CD with a hyped up idea of "femininity")
Contrary to popular belief I (and most TSs) do not "get off" dressing up. Putting on women's clothes is about as sexual as crossing the street. It is what it is and perhaps a means to an end. Some gals and guys too (ya norty panty bois..god love ya) find feminizing to be highly erotic, and good on ya!! It can be. Feeling sexy for me is a head to toe thing, so clothes do play a part..as does smell, and taste, and background noise. But specific articles of clothing are not erotically charged for me.
So, I have ruled out two of the Big Three.. that leaves Trans-Sexual. But, golly, that's a word with lots of meaning for lots of different people. I will only address this from my own perspective, with some insights from others I have gathered along the way. At the very very most basic level of understanding for me - I should have been born female. Before I was 5 years old, for example, I'd tell my playmates that I was a girl. My mom even wrote a letter to my Kindergarten teacher explaining that I sometimes think I'm a girl. What does this all mean??
It means that the way I think is female (not "feminine").. not in an obsessed with shoes stereotype, but in the way I process information. The way I respond to my environment. The way I communicate to people. The particular tasks I do well vs. the tasks I do poorly. Obviously, the human brain is as individual as the humans who posses one and the above are broad generalizations about brain and physical gender and one could easily have no conflict with their born gender while also having an a-typical "brain sex". This means that I am a woman and have been female 24/7 my whole life.. I am as female in a suit and tie as I am in a slinky dress. Very very few people get this so I'll say it again..
I have always thought/reacted/processed information in a very VERY typically female way. This is regardless of how I am dressed, so I am as female in a suit and tie as I am in a slinky dress. The clothes, makeup, hair and other articles that trigger "woman" in the average person's mind are useful to me in two very important ways:
1) Aside from being fun..time consuming, but fun... makeup and clothes serve the same purpose for me as they do for genetic women.. they help me feel better about how I look.
2) It helps people on the street know how to treat me and what to expect from me. Men and women treat each other very very differently. I feel a little guilty sometimes because guys used to let their guard down and treat me like "one of the guys"... it's really not fair to them *wink*
For me, gender is between the ears, not the legs (as told to me by someone more wise and lovely than I can ever hope to be). I think I'll leave with that statement whilst I ponder questions of gender/sexuality/politics/personality... I look forward to any and all comments and hope this gave someone some insight.
I am neither a CD (Cross Dresser) or a TV (Transvestite). Both of these are quite fine things to be, but not my thing. For me "Dressing up" putting on makeup, panties, matching my purse and my shoes isn't particularly fun, I don't get a thrill out of it - let's face it, I'm getting up an hour earlier than I used to to put on a face for work... not exactly hyper glam that.. My taste in clothes isn't particularly "girlie" .. lace kinda itches and overly ruffled clothes kinda confuse me. I wear the female version of the clothes I wore as a man (hoodies cut for the fem body, jeans, sneakers, etc). I own dresses, but they are more of a fun retro/ironic thing or simple and understated.. no bangles and boas here.... (So, not a CD with a hyped up idea of "femininity")
Contrary to popular belief I (and most TSs) do not "get off" dressing up. Putting on women's clothes is about as sexual as crossing the street. It is what it is and perhaps a means to an end. Some gals and guys too (ya norty panty bois..god love ya) find feminizing to be highly erotic, and good on ya!! It can be. Feeling sexy for me is a head to toe thing, so clothes do play a part..as does smell, and taste, and background noise. But specific articles of clothing are not erotically charged for me.
So, I have ruled out two of the Big Three.. that leaves Trans-Sexual. But, golly, that's a word with lots of meaning for lots of different people. I will only address this from my own perspective, with some insights from others I have gathered along the way. At the very very most basic level of understanding for me - I should have been born female. Before I was 5 years old, for example, I'd tell my playmates that I was a girl. My mom even wrote a letter to my Kindergarten teacher explaining that I sometimes think I'm a girl. What does this all mean??
It means that the way I think is female (not "feminine").. not in an obsessed with shoes stereotype, but in the way I process information. The way I respond to my environment. The way I communicate to people. The particular tasks I do well vs. the tasks I do poorly. Obviously, the human brain is as individual as the humans who posses one and the above are broad generalizations about brain and physical gender and one could easily have no conflict with their born gender while also having an a-typical "brain sex". This means that I am a woman and have been female 24/7 my whole life.. I am as female in a suit and tie as I am in a slinky dress. Very very few people get this so I'll say it again..
I have always thought/reacted/processed information in a very VERY typically female way. This is regardless of how I am dressed, so I am as female in a suit and tie as I am in a slinky dress. The clothes, makeup, hair and other articles that trigger "woman" in the average person's mind are useful to me in two very important ways:
1) Aside from being fun..time consuming, but fun... makeup and clothes serve the same purpose for me as they do for genetic women.. they help me feel better about how I look.
2) It helps people on the street know how to treat me and what to expect from me. Men and women treat each other very very differently. I feel a little guilty sometimes because guys used to let their guard down and treat me like "one of the guys"... it's really not fair to them *wink*
For me, gender is between the ears, not the legs (as told to me by someone more wise and lovely than I can ever hope to be). I think I'll leave with that statement whilst I ponder questions of gender/sexuality/politics/personality... I look forward to any and all comments and hope this gave someone some insight.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Geekly Gurlz
The two of us posting under the name of rioTgirl first became friends by noting the common interests we share. Namely, comic books, Role-Playing Games, video games, geek-culture, stuff like that. I have noticed in my time online talking with other Trans* peeps of all stripes and gender identifications that LOTS of us share some or most of these interests. It could be the fact we are all online, and there is a higher concentration of dorks/nerds/geeks here - but I think there may be something else.
Looking at RPGs like Dungeons & Dragons, I know the idea of playing a different role (yes most often a female one) helped me to process through my identity. Like I was cross dressing, but only for pretend. I also think the urge to escape is very real for trans*people and what else would you call it when Yavandarra, Elf Warrior Maiden, smites an Orc horde?
One of my early defining moments in my trans identity was with my gaming group. I had made countless female characters in a variety of games. My buddies had actually started to make it a running joke. To show them I was just as capable of playing a male character, I rolled up a guy at the start of a new game. I played him for a few weeks correcting my fellow players' use of pronouns (they kept calling me "she" and "her") and finally in a fit of gender-fueled resignation ... jumped off a cliff, or I think actually threw a spear at a monster that exploded killing my very last boy character. It was cute that these guys, some of my best pals, couldn't see me playing a man. I think that gaming allowed me my outlet for my Trans identity. I have never played male in a video game if I had the choice - just never occurred to me really.
I also know that some of the first online groups were Trans discussion BBSs.. way back in the day. I know that some of the early people who developed the technology that gave us the Interweb were trans. How delightfully geekly is that??!!
Looking at RPGs like Dungeons & Dragons, I know the idea of playing a different role (yes most often a female one) helped me to process through my identity. Like I was cross dressing, but only for pretend. I also think the urge to escape is very real for trans*people and what else would you call it when Yavandarra, Elf Warrior Maiden, smites an Orc horde?
One of my early defining moments in my trans identity was with my gaming group. I had made countless female characters in a variety of games. My buddies had actually started to make it a running joke. To show them I was just as capable of playing a male character, I rolled up a guy at the start of a new game. I played him for a few weeks correcting my fellow players' use of pronouns (they kept calling me "she" and "her") and finally in a fit of gender-fueled resignation ... jumped off a cliff, or I think actually threw a spear at a monster that exploded killing my very last boy character. It was cute that these guys, some of my best pals, couldn't see me playing a man. I think that gaming allowed me my outlet for my Trans identity. I have never played male in a video game if I had the choice - just never occurred to me really.
I also know that some of the first online groups were Trans discussion BBSs.. way back in the day. I know that some of the early people who developed the technology that gave us the Interweb were trans. How delightfully geekly is that??!!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Pictures of "Him"
I keep a couple pictures of a man near my bed on the table. He is cute in an awkward teen kinda way. If you knew him you'd know the smiles were forced and if you look closely you can tell it never reached his eyes.
I keep these pictures, not because he is an ex-lover, or my first crush. I keep them to remind me why I did what I did. Both of these pictures were taken before my two suicide attempts. I have been living as a woman for a few years and I STILL have moments when I question everything I have done. The alienation of my parents, the loss of friends, the accusations from same that I was being selfish.
When I wonder if what I'm doing is right, or I get bogged down with how fucking hard this is ... I look at HIM. I wonder if any part of him would still be alive if I had not altered my body. I guess to save something of this cute funny quirky nerdy guy I had to visibly erase as much of him as I could.
I don't know if transition was the RIGHT thing to do. I feel it is the ONLY thing I can do.
I keep these pictures, not because he is an ex-lover, or my first crush. I keep them to remind me why I did what I did. Both of these pictures were taken before my two suicide attempts. I have been living as a woman for a few years and I STILL have moments when I question everything I have done. The alienation of my parents, the loss of friends, the accusations from same that I was being selfish.
When I wonder if what I'm doing is right, or I get bogged down with how fucking hard this is ... I look at HIM. I wonder if any part of him would still be alive if I had not altered my body. I guess to save something of this cute funny quirky nerdy guy I had to visibly erase as much of him as I could.
I don't know if transition was the RIGHT thing to do. I feel it is the ONLY thing I can do.
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