TODR - Why I'm Pissed

Yesterday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance. Most every person who reads this will be aware of the TODR and written about it or read something powerful about it. I have always had a link to the Remembering Our Dead site because it's that damn important to me.

I'm angry because we are still being killed. I am angry that our murders don't get solved. I am angry that the G the L and the B pay token attention to our issues.

But that's not why I'm PISSED. I'm PISSED because our lives are still erased by the media. Our names are written "IN QUOTES" like a nickname. We are "gay men" who "dressed as women". Our lives, our humanity, our identity is constantly questioned by cis-sexual society to the point we get no relief even in death. When we are murdered, we are somehow partly to blame.

The men who "admire" us are oddly absent at a TDOR. Our lives are only as valuable as their next orgasm. We are only allowed to be the sexy silly dolls of their little fantasy land. When the lights come on and their dreams are over, they are absent, silent, afraid.

At the end of the last TDOR I spoke to a couple friends about safety. I found out that the number of Trans*women I personally know who have been assaulted sexually is 100%. Yup ALL of us every age, every occupation, every socio-economic class. Most of us have been hit or threatened with violence by an intimate partner. Half of us have had our status as Trans* used as ammunition to coerce us into staying in a relationship, or not reporting violence.

I want to have an answer, and mostly I'm pissed that I don't.

A Little Fib

I was talking on yahoo Im with a friend a couple days ago. He insisted that I must have scores of guys in my daily life hitting on me. I told him that I was pretty painfully oblivious to that sort of thing.

This was not true.

I am aware of the not-so-subtle subtle ways guys try to get attention from the women they meet. The truth of the matter is, I flatly ignore it. Not because I'm vain or anything like that. It is simply safer that way. While I may be openly Trans, I'm also not wearing a sign. If it comes up, it comes up. I prefer organic disclosure.

The thing is, the revelation of my Trans status has one of two results in my history. 1) Someone who minutes ago was handing me his phone number or awkwardly asking me for coffee suddenly feels deceived and within his rights to be insulting, demeaning, or downright violent. 2) They get a really creepy look in their eyes as all the fantasy images of a "Chick with a Dick" play out in their heads.

I have been assulted in a bar, threatened outside my apartment, "outed" to everyone within shouting distance, and stalked. I simply don't want to test those waters any more. It's one of those priveliges that my non-trans sisters have - the ability to have a relationship form mutual interests, attraction, communication, and happenstance.

It isn't like I hide the fact that I'm trans. Everyone close to me knows. If there is an issue or a snyde comment made about trans*people, I speak up. I'm comfortable being "out there" - on MY terms. Having a suitor who isn't up to speed from the start potentially removes MY control over MY environment, thus infringing on MY safety.

It stinks because there is this cute and quiet guy at work who keeps giving me these shy little smiles. He "happened" to have gotten an extra coffee from Starbucks that just "happened" to be one of my favorite flavors and gave it to me. So I go through my day pointedly ignoring his rather charming little self (and some others as well). The double-stuff of the suck is... well.. I GET how he feels. I've been there, I *could* be the cool gal who sees this and appreciates him. Instead, my own hard-won fear and dread of that look that happens when the guy isn't expecting the big (or not so big *laf*) news.

Guys Who Date Gals Like Me

I, like most Trans*women who date guys, often wonder what the hell those dudes are thinking. I'll rant on and on about past dates, and near dates, and things that may have been dates but got to pathetic to be called a "proper date" later (and then later and then even later I'm sure). What I'd like to do is give out information to my sisters. Things I have puzzled out and observed and have had clarified for me by *gasp* men who date gals like me.

Most men will see an image (probably pornographic) of a woman they find attractive who has a penis. Sometimes something "clicks" in their guy-brains and they develop an attraction or curiosity for women with a penis. For the majority of these guys the attraction stays firmly sexual and curious and pornographic.

Some men act on their curiosity and meet and date trans*women and come to admire us for our strength, determination, and character. They appreciate that we understand them intimately as guys (for good and bad) and also have an understanding of what it is to be women. The non-sexual "Best of Both Worlds".

Both types of men stumble in their attractions for us and say and do really stupid things. I think this is because WE get our gender. WE have therapists and support groups, and blogs, and a community. WE "get it" and we have some help "getting it". The guys, by virtue of being guys often feel alone and isolated and have to struggle to try to "get it". By the time he is willing and able to meet an honest to goddess trannie, she is probably well past Gender 101 and the guy is still auditing the course.

I notice that many of the questions guys ask or the flip side of what I asked myself. "Am I gay?" "What does this mean", "What is this called...", "what will people do if they find out?"

This doesn't excuse BS and rude behavior. But, it does give some insight. I'm leaning to a theory that says that there is a predisposition for some genetic men and women to like trans*women. Maybe it is another sexual orientation... hmmmm.. *pondering..*