More Gender Discussion

As stated earlier, for some reason my awareness was always directed towards females in a way that was not true for my brothers. Men were "other" and while I received conditioning and socialization as a male, I also watched and learned and internalized female socialization.

Socialization that I sometimes needed Feminism to disect and process and ultimately try to change. As an adult, I found I had given myself very little agency in my life. Saying "no" was hard, particularly with men. Determining my own sexual and romantic needs and desires was (and still is) often impossible. Putting my needs before another's is still second nature.

In adulthood, my housemates were always women, mostly Lesbian women and always Feminists. We were all very politically active centering on GLBT, Women's, and Anti-Racist issues. I bring this up to offer another example of that *something* that understanding, that thing that hasn't a name yet. I GOT sexism, I saw it, I understood it, I could feel it. It was that way that boys and men acted that made me feel like I didn't belong. It was those comments they made and the way they looked at women that made me uncomfortable. It wasn't a political theory, or a social critique - it was the name of a very real part of my internal conflict.

This was in marked contrast with how I came to understand race and class issues. Comming from a place of relative privelege, I wasn't aware of how I contributed to raceism or classism. Thankfully I usually had the sense to shut up and listen when POCs would talk about Race. I accepted what they said as, at the very least, their truth. However there was a probably common period where I just really didn't "get it". I had to unlearn and examine myself in light of race and class opression.

I'm not saying I didn't have male privelege or use it. I'm also not saying that I had a childhood like a girl has a childhood. What I am saying it I saw my childhood and processed all the information I was given in a way that made "woman" the normal and "man" the other thing that wasn't safe and wasn't particularly important (except for being cute). Unlike my Raceism, which was the invisible unseen unchallenged "way things are".

My use of race and raceism isn't intended to compare opressions. Rather, I hope to show how a Trans* identity can filter social messages by using an example of social messages about race/class that were (unfortunately) more traditionally filtered and processed and challenged.

I have no idea if other Trans* people have anything like this. I am simply stating how I understand my childhood.

A Little Fib

I was talking on yahoo Im with a friend a couple days ago. He insisted that I must have scores of guys in my daily life hitting on me. I told him that I was pretty painfully oblivious to that sort of thing.

This was not true.

I am aware of the not-so-subtle subtle ways guys try to get attention from the women they meet. The truth of the matter is, I flatly ignore it. Not because I'm vain or anything like that. It is simply safer that way. While I may be openly Trans, I'm also not wearing a sign. If it comes up, it comes up. I prefer organic disclosure.

The thing is, the revelation of my Trans status has one of two results in my history. 1) Someone who minutes ago was handing me his phone number or awkwardly asking me for coffee suddenly feels deceived and within his rights to be insulting, demeaning, or downright violent. 2) They get a really creepy look in their eyes as all the fantasy images of a "Chick with a Dick" play out in their heads.

I have been assulted in a bar, threatened outside my apartment, "outed" to everyone within shouting distance, and stalked. I simply don't want to test those waters any more. It's one of those priveliges that my non-trans sisters have - the ability to have a relationship form mutual interests, attraction, communication, and happenstance.

It isn't like I hide the fact that I'm trans. Everyone close to me knows. If there is an issue or a snyde comment made about trans*people, I speak up. I'm comfortable being "out there" - on MY terms. Having a suitor who isn't up to speed from the start potentially removes MY control over MY environment, thus infringing on MY safety.

It stinks because there is this cute and quiet guy at work who keeps giving me these shy little smiles. He "happened" to have gotten an extra coffee from Starbucks that just "happened" to be one of my favorite flavors and gave it to me. So I go through my day pointedly ignoring his rather charming little self (and some others as well). The double-stuff of the suck is... well.. I GET how he feels. I've been there, I *could* be the cool gal who sees this and appreciates him. Instead, my own hard-won fear and dread of that look that happens when the guy isn't expecting the big (or not so big *laf*) news.

I got to Thinking

I read Questioning Transphobia regularly. I have to say Lisa Harney is one of my idols, along with RiftGirl they were the unwitting kick in the pants I needed to start this little blog (along with other groovy friends who told both of us we needed to talk less and write more).

Anyway, a recent shit storm on the F Word blog is documented and commented on QT.

http://questioningtransphobia.wordpress.com/

This reminded me of some conversations I have had with long time Lesbian Feminist friends of mine. A few things keep comming up when talking with my friends and also talking with RadFems on the Internt that I would like to discuss.

1) You can be a "different kind of man (woman)".

This assumes I didn't actually TRY that - for YEARS.. and YEARS.

2) "I wasn't comfortable being a 'girl' growing up, but through soul-searching and really processing my feelings and society's demands on women I was able to be comfortable as a butch lesbian who loves her female body."

This one REALLY stinks. It stinks to the highest heaven. It centers a Trans* person's life on the cis-gendered person's experience of comming to terms with their own non-conforming gender expression. It further claims that what's good enough for them is good enough for me. It assumes, again, that I didn't Try that for YEARS..and YEARS.

3) "In MY world there would be no gender, so no need to transition. Everyone could dress and act the way they pleased."

Awesome.. I wanna live there too. Except.. well, I would still be transitioning. See it isn't about clothes, or hair, or shaving, or makeup. I did all that yummy goodness as a BIG OLE SISSY boy. The thing is - I UNDERSTOOD myself, from as early as I can remember, as being a girl. There is nothing more to say because there isn't language to express it. The affectations of "feminity" are just that - props to be used or discarded at my whim. The UNDERSTANDING is not the same as a desire to put on mum's shoes.

4) "There is so much pressure to transition. It's like if you don't feel enough like a guy or a gal you should transition."

My assumption from this is the pressure is comming from within the Trans* community. I haven't seen it. Quite the opposite actually. When I was first seriously questioning transition every Trans*woman I met was quick to point out that being a Drag Queen, or a Cross Dresser, or a sissy guy was valid and perfectly OK.

If the pressure is supposed to be somming from society - WHAT??!! Let me say without hesitation - me being seen as a shy sissified gay boy was so much easier than being seen as Trans. Night and day - seriously.

Also, the underlying theme here is that transitioning is somehow easier than being non-conforming to one's birth sex. That Trans* folks are taking the path of least resistance. Again I'll say from where I sit, it was a hell of alot easier to be a fey man than a tranny.

Reality Trannies!

If you haven't heard, we are going to have a couple Trans women on reality TV. Now, this isn't exactly new as there have been a few scattered about here and there - particularly in the UK.

I'm talking about the coming season of "America's Next Top Model" featuring Isis. She's the first trans contestant on the show ad already there has been some controversy. It seems that Fox News' Gregg Jarrett and US Weekly's Editor-at-Large, Ian Drew had a few "choice" and inappropriate comments to make Isis and her exclusive interview with US Weekly.

From GLADD's website complete with video:

http://glaadorg.nexcess.net/cinequeer/2008/08/offensive-fox-news-segment-on.html

The other show is currently showing on VH1. "Work for Diddy" is like the "Apprentice", but for Sean "Puffy" Combs. Laverne Cox, who was also involved in the Trans* Docu-series "Being T", is in the running to be Mr Combs' new personal assistant.

Personally, I'm pretty hot and cold about reality TV. I either get REALLY into a show (Project Runway) or I have no time for it (most of the rest). While I hope both of them do well, I'm really rooting for Ms Cox. There is something about making it as the personal assistant to one of the most dynamic and powerful men in any industry. Mr. Combs also has a VERY positive relationship with GLBTQs. He has never had a negative thing to say about gays (unlike the majority of his Hip Hop pals), no nasty lyrics, no slurs, nuffin! He also hires and give important powerful positions to openly queer people. Winning this could send a powerful message to trans* women, particularly trans women of color, who are disproportionately represented in sex work and targets of violence.

Not to be dismissive about ANTM, but.... well .... I remember YEARS ago reading about the number of "men" who did runway and print modeling as women. There is something very tranny about the body-type of models: small breasts, narrow hips, tall, long arms. I stopped counting the number of Trans women in my circle of friends who work or have worked in that industry. Even one of the rioTgirls was briefly a model.

Like I said, both of these women have the ability to be a positive role model. Both of these women are of color. Both of these women are strong and smart and bring lots to the table. I just think being Diddy's assistant would be a HUGE win for trans women. Also, let's face it, it would be a freaking DREAM for Laverne Cox to win - that would be some serious resume padding!!!

Ask Tranny

This is from a man I had been talking to about transitioning.

i like the way you answer..honest and nonjudgmental...so here is where my confusion comes in....in my younger days... and i don't know how it happened i seemed to have gotten involved in a gay group as a straight male...now there were guys that dressed as women...there were guys that dressed as bikers and others dressed in suits...all in all they seemed to be as screwed up as the rest of the world...except the had sex with other guys...so here i am again a straight guy and all i see is a group of people that have had their their bodies altered...and as far as i can see dress as women...and except themselves as women....and this group is also as screwed up as the rest of the world....
but i am left wondering....if you made the transition to look like a woman
.............................................if you see yourselves as women
then why keep the penis?

Why keep the penis?? Why indeed... the answers, again, will vary from woman (with penis) to woman. The easy reason is, the surgery is REALLY expensive, and in the US is not covered by most insurance.. so economics play a huge part in this decision. In my case, I had facial feminizing surgery WAY before I'll have a Dr touch my crotch simply because more people see my face.

The other reason I don't think I'll have the operation is because I just don't care about my penis one way or the other. I don't use it sexually but don't have a burning hatred for it either. It's just some bits in the front.

Still other women deeply enjoy orgasms.. and genital surgery carries a large risk of removing the ability to orgasm - sometimes permanently. So while the motivation to transition is largely not sexual in nature, a compelling reason not to alter the penis is that orgasms feel nice.

Yet other women, who identify themselves a fully female, enjoy having a penis. Their "mind" is female (not sissy gay man) but their sexual enjoyment is "male" (that is penis-focused). These would be girls who like or prefer to Top.

And still there are those who don't neatly fit any sort of classification. It is REALLY important to understand that physical sex (what's going on between the legs) and gender identity are not the same thing. For most people without a trans identity crisis (or who haven't had one) it is hard to make the distinction, partly because there are so many "shades of grey" (Butch women, sissy men, hetero guys who are nurturing and sensitive..etc.). For a person with a Trans* identity it is often a case where the mind has an image of the body that is SEXually different from the way the body developed.

The existence of a penis or breasts or any other secondary sex-characteristic does not preclude any gender identity.

Good Help is Hard to Find

I feel truly lucky that I found my Therapist. I went to her for a host of non-trans stuff (that ended up being HIGHLY trans-related stuff) like body-image, self-esteem, and an almost debilitating anxiety. She has been most helpful in my transition mainly because her primary focus isn't transitioning.

Her focus is on getting her clients in a position where they are most comfortable with their own body. If that means diet, or refraiming how we look at a specific body part, or looking at the ways we are made to feel imperfect, or making surgical changes. She has and had clients with GID/GD so it isn't like she is unfamiliar with the issues.

My therapist has helped me to start to love the body I currently posses, so that I can love the body I posses regardless of what changes I opt for the future. No pressure to do anything or OT to do anything. It was her help that allowed me my most helpful epiphany...

I don't HAVE to change anything. I only need to change things I want to change. My friends and family all to one degree or another know I'm trans, they accept this as fact and aren't dependant on visual cues to affirm my gender.

Some days I get so bogged down with transitioning - the costs (both emotional and economic) and how I'm going to do what "needs" done. But really, I am lucky - I have love and respect and understanding just because!

Turning a Critical Eye to "The Community"

I'm not sure how this happens, but it does in every marginalized group of people. A group will compare itself to the majority culture and, in an attempt to gain acceptance, try to comply with the affectations of that culture.

I was with a good friend of mine, a natal woman who is back and sports some lovely long dreadlocks. We were waiting for the bus with a couple of other African-American women who were giving my friend ye olde "stink eye". One turned to the other and said "At least I can pass for white". My friend turned around and sad "Until you open that ghetto-ass mouth". I was ready for a throw-down (without Bobby Flay), but no fisti-cuffs resulted.

This got me thinking about some conversations I have been having in various online forums, and some I have been avoiding all together. The invisible, whispered, apparent divisions within the M2F Trans community. At the top you have the gals who have had SRS, or are just about to do so. Then you have a stratification of women who move up or down based on their either their surgical status, or INTENDED surgical status. The lowly "non-op" gal is at the bottom, regardless of her reasons, and piled high with assumptions by the gal who were able to shell out the cash for the switcheroo.

Then you have, like our snotty gals at the bus stop, the women who can "pass for woman". Knowing as I do that nobody passes ALL the time, the ones who can reasonably pass MOST of the time are the prize. Both for the guys who date us, and for our community. Passing is important for personal peace of mind and safety. We rioTgirls are in two different places regarding "passing" and our experiences vary GREATLY based on this fact. Particularly regarding our interactions within the Trans Community (including guys/gals who date within the community).

My issue isn't SRS, or Passing, or the women who do either or both. My issue is the establishment of authority to determine authenticity based on either criteria. Rather than embrace the full spectrum of gender variant people, the SRS crowd want to make THEIR goal everyone's. The reality is, body modification MUST be done with an end to anxiety as a goal - the goal NEEDS to be self-comfort and nothing more. If SRS is what makes someone feel complete, ROCK OUT!! Save that cash and book your hospital stay. If it isn't, then you shouldn't be made to feel like a fetishist, or a cross dresser, or a whore - unless you adopt those descriptors for yourself.

**This is where I personal opinion comes in, and it is just that OPINION***
Passing, is IMO more important than a vagina. The face gives more clues to gender than a bulge in the skirt. On the other hand, obsessing over "passability" is the surest way NOT to pass - you will NEVER pass as well as you want to. It's part of the beauty myth that there is an ideal body/face/personality - don't buy into it beyond your own comfort levels. If you use personal comfort as your guide, rather than measurements of your skull vs. those of an average woman's skull as your guide, your quest for passability will be comforting rather than anxious.

Unlike my friend, I'd never tell a "passing woman" that her actions betray her history. I'd also like to come to a point within our community where surgical status, how contoured our forehead is, or any other artificial qualifications are non-issues. Heck, I'd like to see the day where a guy with a beard to his knees can claim a Trans*identity and feel no compulsion to modify is body to find acceptance within the Trans community. Acceptance within the greater community will likely take much longer...

First Time Out

I have a Transgender identity. I understand myself to be a woman who developed a male body. Cross Dressing was never a big part of my life ever. I'm talking the odd Halloween costume or not particularly checking which side the button holes were on if I found something I liked. I never had a real urge to get "dolled up"... we can chalk that up to being lazy and in blissful denial. To this day, I don't feel any comfort in "dressing". I don't hate it, but it has never been the focus or even a particularly compelling aspect of transitioning.

A couple months ago an Internet friend who lives close spent the weekend with my partner and I. She's Trans and that weekend was a TG bar night. I had never gone being ruther shy and still having issued getting stuff together (wig that looked ok, clothes..stuff). My friend and I spent some time getting ready, it was fun. I went to put on a blouse that looked pretty good on me, but forgot that I had used the back of my hand for my foundation and ended up with makeup smeared on my new white top *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*.

I was nervous. I was dressing for the public as a transwoman for the first time. This wasn't a Halloween lark, this was ME. I would be meeting new people and didn't want to look shabby. I ruined the top I was comfortable wearing. I grabbed a different top (after cleaning the back of my hand) - a simple hoodie. I put on my hair and my boobies took a deep breath and headed out.

I paused long enough to ask my partner how I looked. He's usually dismissive or will joke about my ass being big or something. This time he rolled his eyes, and said "You look like a Drag Queen Hooker. There IS a difference between looking like a woman and looking like a boy in a dress." My friend gabbed my arm and forced me in the car and we went.. unfortunately, I was done for the night. My confidence was shaken, my resolve questioned, and my hope I could have an understanding supportive partner was removed. It didn't matter that a guy flirted with me, that the other gals were amazingly friendly and welcoming, or even that I objectively didn't look bad that night. What mattered was what I was told, that my identity was negated.

Generally the hubby is super, he's a great guy. I know he's afraid and this is hard for him. O know that he has lots and lots of other things he's dealing with. I'm just tired of feeling selfish and irresponsible every time I take a step to feminize.

Words to Love By

I so love to read the personal ads. It's a guilty pleasure of mine and a point of shame until figured out everyone I know reads them too. I particularly love to read the ads of guys looking for T-gals... who knows, maybe I'll find love (HA!).

What strikes me are the two most common requirements from men for T-gals.
1) Fully Functional
2) 100% Passable

OK, I have NO ISSUE with guys/gals/?? liking particular "types". We all have physical qualifications for our partners. We all have sexual desires and needs and a fantasy or two. I get all that. The thing is, I don't ever read ads for "Smart Trans-Lady who can hold a conversation". It's always " Seeking TV/TS with fully functional cock. MUST be cute and TOTALLY Passable."

The "P" word.. let's look at that one...

To the guy I'm sure he's thinking "Passable" means "Looks like a pretty woman". He has visions of Trans porn and the women who populate his fantasy life.

To a Trans woman, "Passable" means "I look enough like an average woman that I don't get laughed at in the mall by teen aged boys, I can shop for clothes at Target and actually use the changing room, the waiter will apologize when he mistakenly calls me 'sir'".

What happens on a date?

"Passable" becomes an impossible qualification for even attractive genetic women to meet. Every aspect of our face, body (damn those hands and feet), mannerisms, likes and dislikes, our sneezes and coughs and walk and laugh are all held to the strictest of gender-based ideals. If there is ANY variation from the strict ideal of "Feminine" the guy has his out and often a dig at us on his way out..

"You were a good lay, and you are cute.... buuuut I can still kinda see the guy in you. No offence, but I'll be going now."

"Passing" goes from something we try to do so we don't get our asses kicked; to a brand new unattainable standard of beauty reserved only for transwomen. I read comments from guys looking at pictures of "Shemale" porn stars and even THEY aren't passing enough. Passing becomes our own appendix to the beauty myth and a way for the men who date us to be cowards and blame it on us.