A Little Fib

I was talking on yahoo Im with a friend a couple days ago. He insisted that I must have scores of guys in my daily life hitting on me. I told him that I was pretty painfully oblivious to that sort of thing.

This was not true.

I am aware of the not-so-subtle subtle ways guys try to get attention from the women they meet. The truth of the matter is, I flatly ignore it. Not because I'm vain or anything like that. It is simply safer that way. While I may be openly Trans, I'm also not wearing a sign. If it comes up, it comes up. I prefer organic disclosure.

The thing is, the revelation of my Trans status has one of two results in my history. 1) Someone who minutes ago was handing me his phone number or awkwardly asking me for coffee suddenly feels deceived and within his rights to be insulting, demeaning, or downright violent. 2) They get a really creepy look in their eyes as all the fantasy images of a "Chick with a Dick" play out in their heads.

I have been assulted in a bar, threatened outside my apartment, "outed" to everyone within shouting distance, and stalked. I simply don't want to test those waters any more. It's one of those priveliges that my non-trans sisters have - the ability to have a relationship form mutual interests, attraction, communication, and happenstance.

It isn't like I hide the fact that I'm trans. Everyone close to me knows. If there is an issue or a snyde comment made about trans*people, I speak up. I'm comfortable being "out there" - on MY terms. Having a suitor who isn't up to speed from the start potentially removes MY control over MY environment, thus infringing on MY safety.

It stinks because there is this cute and quiet guy at work who keeps giving me these shy little smiles. He "happened" to have gotten an extra coffee from Starbucks that just "happened" to be one of my favorite flavors and gave it to me. So I go through my day pointedly ignoring his rather charming little self (and some others as well). The double-stuff of the suck is... well.. I GET how he feels. I've been there, I *could* be the cool gal who sees this and appreciates him. Instead, my own hard-won fear and dread of that look that happens when the guy isn't expecting the big (or not so big *laf*) news.

Changing the Subject..

Back to the same old subject. I was thinking about guys who dig transwomen and date us. How they so often won't even show up for a date - guys don't believe me when I say it, but MY GOD if I had $5 for every time I had to eat or see a movie alone, I'd be paying for someone elses' feminizing surgeries - I'd be THAT frikkin rich!.

Guys who are attracted to TGs, and have the guts to actually contact us are special folks. Unfortunately, they know this. They know that the pool of guys is pretty small. While porn may be the name of the game these days, and trans porn is pretty popular, the guys who are looking at it are largely never going to act on it. I have made a couple observations.

1) The guys know better than to call us "he". But, they almost say "she" like they are in on some private joke. Like there is an almost invisible wink and nudge.

2) They feel entitled to behave poorly, because .. well they FEEL special. Like they are our only chance at a date or sex or a relationship. This gives them some sort of subconscious OK to expect that we will simply take rude, poor, violent, insulting behavior and smile and still feel special because they have stooped low enough to give us a little time.

Obviously, if you are reading this blog and are a male you very likely don't fit these observations. It is also very likely that neither of us have dated you ;).

I Pass

Lately, the fact that I an and do pass as a woman within my age-group has become a dating nightmare. Now, I don't want this to come off as a "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" type of post. Seriously, I'm not THAT vain - nor do I put that much stock in my looks. But, I DO get attention from men and women who don't know or don't date trans-women. I also get LOTS of attention from guys who do "date" girls like me. Particularly on the Internet dating sites I frequent.

The fact that I pass coupled with the fact that I'm comfortable and open about my status severely limits my ability to date. I have gone to straight clubs and have had guys trying to pick me up. My need for honesty compells me to disclose my status, not on the second or third date - but at "May I buy you a drink?" A couple ass-whuppings later, and I don't go out without an escort who can and will help me defend myself. Because I'm not comfortable with putting someone I like at risk, I just don't go out.

Online affords me the ability to to meet guys and not have to disclose anything about my history. Since that bit is taken care of for me by the sites. I get my share of curious guys, married guys, dudes with a fetish, etc. What I also get are guys who come across as complete gentlemen. They are (oddly) impressed that I'm smart and witty and tell me that those are the qualities they are looking for. The email and chat exchanges and phone calls eventually start to get more serious. These guys are seemingly looking for a girl-friend and they think I'm "the one". Each and every one of them fails for one of more of the following reasons:

1) They mention "You look like a girl, not a guy in a dress" - I dig that people like what they like, but I USED TO LOOK LIKE A GUY IN A DRESS. That and once I'm out as trans, I get considered a guy in a frikking dress.

2) They don't want to know anything about my past living as a guy. - I did some cool stuff as a guy, and I won't erase part of my history to ease someone's sense of sexual identity.

3) They expect me to be stealth. - I'm openly Trans, no shame, no regrets. While I have no interest in being the Tranny spokes-model, I won't lie or edit.

4) They throw in words like "Dirty Secret" or "My friends won't know what you are hiding". It's like the one above, but has a really creepy sexual vibe. This normally comes out like "You'll be my dirty little secret. I can't wait to have my friends see you and how pretty you are. They'll have no idea that when we get home I'll be playing with your _________". ICKY!!!!

At this point, I'm talking to a really nice guy. He's sweet and kind and educated. I don't know if he likes ME or the idea of ME. I never know until I have invested something in a relationship emotionally and end up feeling like crap.

I also know that I get treated so much better by the guys out there than some of my sisters. While I have gotten called a "fag with tits" more than I can count when I turn a guy down, guys usually go the extra mile to treat me well while wooing me. I have started editing my profiles to remove face pics because I realy want to be sure that guys are liking the strong, semi-independant, silly, nerdy, uptight, cranky, smart, funny chyck that I have become. Not a face that looks like a "beautiful 'normal' girl with something extra" (as a number of my emails tend to start off).

I was out woth a couple friends last night, and I was drinking something stronger than my usual Coke on the Rocks. I was having a good time with my partner and two friends. I don't remember how the topic came up but my partner made the comment "Well, the reason you aren't going thorugh with being a tranny is.." I cut him off and interjected "What do you mean 'not going through'"?

I had more I wanted to say, but even tipsy I knew better than to spill 6 months wouth of anxiety and angst in the middle of a neighborhood bar with two good friends who would have become uncomfortable.

The ONLY reasons I'm not sporting bewbz and gobbling down hormones is... HIM!! and money... about equal measures of those actually. It ht me how little he has been involved in the single most significant thing that has happened in my life. By his choice.

I don't think he knows that protecting him from his anxiety regarding my transsexual identity crisis has made me essentially plod through this without his help or support or generally very good advice. He doesn't know that this is on the edge of my mind every moment of every day. Trying to figure out, not who I am, but what I'm going to do about it. He doesn't want to know, so I keep him safe. He can't help me and this makes me very sad.