A Little Fib

I was talking on yahoo Im with a friend a couple days ago. He insisted that I must have scores of guys in my daily life hitting on me. I told him that I was pretty painfully oblivious to that sort of thing.

This was not true.

I am aware of the not-so-subtle subtle ways guys try to get attention from the women they meet. The truth of the matter is, I flatly ignore it. Not because I'm vain or anything like that. It is simply safer that way. While I may be openly Trans, I'm also not wearing a sign. If it comes up, it comes up. I prefer organic disclosure.

The thing is, the revelation of my Trans status has one of two results in my history. 1) Someone who minutes ago was handing me his phone number or awkwardly asking me for coffee suddenly feels deceived and within his rights to be insulting, demeaning, or downright violent. 2) They get a really creepy look in their eyes as all the fantasy images of a "Chick with a Dick" play out in their heads.

I have been assulted in a bar, threatened outside my apartment, "outed" to everyone within shouting distance, and stalked. I simply don't want to test those waters any more. It's one of those priveliges that my non-trans sisters have - the ability to have a relationship form mutual interests, attraction, communication, and happenstance.

It isn't like I hide the fact that I'm trans. Everyone close to me knows. If there is an issue or a snyde comment made about trans*people, I speak up. I'm comfortable being "out there" - on MY terms. Having a suitor who isn't up to speed from the start potentially removes MY control over MY environment, thus infringing on MY safety.

It stinks because there is this cute and quiet guy at work who keeps giving me these shy little smiles. He "happened" to have gotten an extra coffee from Starbucks that just "happened" to be one of my favorite flavors and gave it to me. So I go through my day pointedly ignoring his rather charming little self (and some others as well). The double-stuff of the suck is... well.. I GET how he feels. I've been there, I *could* be the cool gal who sees this and appreciates him. Instead, my own hard-won fear and dread of that look that happens when the guy isn't expecting the big (or not so big *laf*) news.

I got to Thinking

I read Questioning Transphobia regularly. I have to say Lisa Harney is one of my idols, along with RiftGirl they were the unwitting kick in the pants I needed to start this little blog (along with other groovy friends who told both of us we needed to talk less and write more).

Anyway, a recent shit storm on the F Word blog is documented and commented on QT.

http://questioningtransphobia.wordpress.com/

This reminded me of some conversations I have had with long time Lesbian Feminist friends of mine. A few things keep comming up when talking with my friends and also talking with RadFems on the Internt that I would like to discuss.

1) You can be a "different kind of man (woman)".

This assumes I didn't actually TRY that - for YEARS.. and YEARS.

2) "I wasn't comfortable being a 'girl' growing up, but through soul-searching and really processing my feelings and society's demands on women I was able to be comfortable as a butch lesbian who loves her female body."

This one REALLY stinks. It stinks to the highest heaven. It centers a Trans* person's life on the cis-gendered person's experience of comming to terms with their own non-conforming gender expression. It further claims that what's good enough for them is good enough for me. It assumes, again, that I didn't Try that for YEARS..and YEARS.

3) "In MY world there would be no gender, so no need to transition. Everyone could dress and act the way they pleased."

Awesome.. I wanna live there too. Except.. well, I would still be transitioning. See it isn't about clothes, or hair, or shaving, or makeup. I did all that yummy goodness as a BIG OLE SISSY boy. The thing is - I UNDERSTOOD myself, from as early as I can remember, as being a girl. There is nothing more to say because there isn't language to express it. The affectations of "feminity" are just that - props to be used or discarded at my whim. The UNDERSTANDING is not the same as a desire to put on mum's shoes.

4) "There is so much pressure to transition. It's like if you don't feel enough like a guy or a gal you should transition."

My assumption from this is the pressure is comming from within the Trans* community. I haven't seen it. Quite the opposite actually. When I was first seriously questioning transition every Trans*woman I met was quick to point out that being a Drag Queen, or a Cross Dresser, or a sissy guy was valid and perfectly OK.

If the pressure is supposed to be somming from society - WHAT??!! Let me say without hesitation - me being seen as a shy sissified gay boy was so much easier than being seen as Trans. Night and day - seriously.

Also, the underlying theme here is that transitioning is somehow easier than being non-conforming to one's birth sex. That Trans* folks are taking the path of least resistance. Again I'll say from where I sit, it was a hell of alot easier to be a fey man than a tranny.

Funk

Boy have I been in a funk lately. With the news about my friend, my complete lack of a social life, job stuffs, then the last few rather troubling articles we wrote - damn I just can't seem to get excited/happy/not bummed out. It's a pretty rare feeling for me - I'm generally pretty up tempo and chipper (if a bit cranky).

So.. I'll relate a little sumpin that recently happened that gave me a little bit of a smile. I went to the local super-duper-mega market to get some stuff. Being both careless and eco-friendly (in that order I'm sure) I walked the 10 or so blocks to the store. About half way there I had this gripping urge to tinkle. I picked up the pace and scooted to the store. Thankfully surprised to find an open stall in the women's room, I jumped in.

I came out and washed my hands. When I noticed two women giving me a less than complimentary look. Steeling myself for some comment or challenge I met their gazes. The older of the women stifled a giggle (great someone laughing at a tranny). Then she pointed out that I had tucked my skirt inside my panties with a shared mirth of something every woman has done in her life.

Being one to (over) process things. I spent my time getting some fixin's for burritos and thinking. Thinking about how sometimes we create our own conflicts. How in my desire to be accepted on my own merits (not as "trans" not as "woman") can sometimes make me see things in ways that are not how they are intended. And how, ultimately, everyone needs a moment to laugh at the stupid shit.

This unknown woman in a super market bathroom, kindly and jokingly pointing out that was showing my ass was the exact thing I needed to bust down a self-created wall I was starting to build. While keeping in mind that bad shit happens to all kinds of people, and particularly lately trans women, I can't let that limit me or sour me.

13 Years Ago - Tyra Hunter

http://transgriot.blogspot.com/2007/08/trya-hunter-anniversary.html

For those who don't want to read the linked article from Monica Roberts, yesterday marked the 12 anniversary of the death of Tyra Hunter. Unlike the death of Angie Zapata reported earlier this month, Ms Hunter's death was not due to the actions of one man, but rather the INACTION of a group of people.

Ms Hunter was a transwoman of color in Washington DC who was involved as a passenger in a auto accident. When the emergency responders arrived and removed Tyra and the driver it was discovered that Ms Hunter was, in fact a Transwoman. Rather than giving her emergency care that her wounds needed, one Adrian Williams proceeded to make comments about Ms Hunter's sex and race "This bitch ain't no girl...It's a nigger, he got a dick."

Mr Williams stopped working to joke about the semi-aware Hunter rather than provide the emergency care required. It wasn't until the gathering crowed urged him to take action that any attempt was made to save her life. But this wasn't the end of Ms Hunter's abuse. A doctor at DC General *REFUSED* - yes R E F U S E D to treat her. She died 13 years ago yesterday.


Again we see someone referring to a transgendered person as "it" a pronoun reserved for objects. Farmers, even, refer to cattle by their sex and they PLAN on killing them. By making transpeople "it"s they can comfortably deny our humanity and our dignity. They can absolve themselves of any and all abuses - and society allows them.

One final note - Mr Williams was eventually promoted on his job as an emergency caregiver.

Changing the Subject..

Back to the same old subject. I was thinking about guys who dig transwomen and date us. How they so often won't even show up for a date - guys don't believe me when I say it, but MY GOD if I had $5 for every time I had to eat or see a movie alone, I'd be paying for someone elses' feminizing surgeries - I'd be THAT frikkin rich!.

Guys who are attracted to TGs, and have the guts to actually contact us are special folks. Unfortunately, they know this. They know that the pool of guys is pretty small. While porn may be the name of the game these days, and trans porn is pretty popular, the guys who are looking at it are largely never going to act on it. I have made a couple observations.

1) The guys know better than to call us "he". But, they almost say "she" like they are in on some private joke. Like there is an almost invisible wink and nudge.

2) They feel entitled to behave poorly, because .. well they FEEL special. Like they are our only chance at a date or sex or a relationship. This gives them some sort of subconscious OK to expect that we will simply take rude, poor, violent, insulting behavior and smile and still feel special because they have stooped low enough to give us a little time.

Obviously, if you are reading this blog and are a male you very likely don't fit these observations. It is also very likely that neither of us have dated you ;).

"Things" Update

I got off the phone with Amanda. The rapist was our friend's ex (I'll call her "C") and her current is still MIA. She will not be pressing charges. Her reasons being that she is "stealth" and has a history of sex work. The media and law are hardly friendly to either Trans* women or ex-sex workers. She would rather avoid any potential attention to herself than she has to. Also, her father is a pastor in a nearby church, and she doesn't want to shame him.

The officers at the hospital talked with C's neighbor when she was admitted. After a while the doctor came out and spoke to the police (and probably disclosed C's status). After this point I understand the officer's tone changed. They went from being concerned to being rather aloof with the neighbor. Amanda tells me that part of C's decision not to press charges was the questioning by the officers when she woke up.

** Here is where I'm going to interject**

First of all, if I had the bastard's picture his face would be plastered all over this blog and mailed to everyone I know. How is it that she doesn't want to press charges?? I understand the reasons, and I support her decision - but I don't like it at all!!! Rape is statistically the least reported crime, more so if the survivor is Gay or Trans*. This sends a message to the rapist that we are easy targets - they can violate us with no repercussions. particularly in the case with SO abuse, they are creeps who already feel that we are obligated to protect them based on our relationship with them (past or present).

As far as bringing shame on the family... that's hard. I understand this also. Especially if the relationship with the family is strained. But... Uah! I'm just too angry to type.

The Mysterious Missing Date

I was online chatting with a bunch of my Trans* friends that other evening. We are a group of gals from literally all over the world, but mainly the US/Canada and the UK - but with gals from Mexico, Japan, Australia, on and on..

What prompted this discussion was the missing date of one of our number. Our friend "J" had gotten all dressed up to meet a guy who had literally HOUNDED her a month - daily - to go out with him. On the fateful night of the date, he was MIA. The surprising thing to me was how NOT surprised any of us were. Not a one. We were comforting, and ego-boosting, and well friends. But we weren't shocked.

Each and every one of us all over the world with the exception of three gals (2 transitioned and maintained a relationship, one works as an escort/porn star) had well over a 50% no-show rate on dates this summer. It is so common that we are frakkin' SURPRISED when a guy manages to show up - THAT becomes news. ALL of us make alternate plans, make sure we have money to cover our dinner (even if the guy promised it would be his treat), and the thing that surprised me, I'm not the only one who carries a book in her purse to have something to do waiting for dude to show up. Actually, "dude" is a poor choice of words, because it really isn't better for my trans-Lesbian friends either.

I get it that being stood up isn't a "trans" thing, or even a "woman" thing. Thing is, I don't know any other group with such an abysmal rate of no-shows as tranny-chasers or chaser wannabes. When called out and being honest (not making some lame excuse) it's always "you don't know how frightening this is" or some such.. or guys making the excuse that it "takes time/courage". I'm a sensitive gal, I try to understand. My patience and understanding is running thin because it's so damn ...common. Like it's part of the Tranny Datng Game, and fooking EXPECTED.

My friends and I have begun exchanging names/online handles for guys who stand us up. These guys are on a list - no tranny-lovin' for joo!!!

I Pass

Lately, the fact that I an and do pass as a woman within my age-group has become a dating nightmare. Now, I don't want this to come off as a "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" type of post. Seriously, I'm not THAT vain - nor do I put that much stock in my looks. But, I DO get attention from men and women who don't know or don't date trans-women. I also get LOTS of attention from guys who do "date" girls like me. Particularly on the Internet dating sites I frequent.

The fact that I pass coupled with the fact that I'm comfortable and open about my status severely limits my ability to date. I have gone to straight clubs and have had guys trying to pick me up. My need for honesty compells me to disclose my status, not on the second or third date - but at "May I buy you a drink?" A couple ass-whuppings later, and I don't go out without an escort who can and will help me defend myself. Because I'm not comfortable with putting someone I like at risk, I just don't go out.

Online affords me the ability to to meet guys and not have to disclose anything about my history. Since that bit is taken care of for me by the sites. I get my share of curious guys, married guys, dudes with a fetish, etc. What I also get are guys who come across as complete gentlemen. They are (oddly) impressed that I'm smart and witty and tell me that those are the qualities they are looking for. The email and chat exchanges and phone calls eventually start to get more serious. These guys are seemingly looking for a girl-friend and they think I'm "the one". Each and every one of them fails for one of more of the following reasons:

1) They mention "You look like a girl, not a guy in a dress" - I dig that people like what they like, but I USED TO LOOK LIKE A GUY IN A DRESS. That and once I'm out as trans, I get considered a guy in a frikking dress.

2) They don't want to know anything about my past living as a guy. - I did some cool stuff as a guy, and I won't erase part of my history to ease someone's sense of sexual identity.

3) They expect me to be stealth. - I'm openly Trans, no shame, no regrets. While I have no interest in being the Tranny spokes-model, I won't lie or edit.

4) They throw in words like "Dirty Secret" or "My friends won't know what you are hiding". It's like the one above, but has a really creepy sexual vibe. This normally comes out like "You'll be my dirty little secret. I can't wait to have my friends see you and how pretty you are. They'll have no idea that when we get home I'll be playing with your _________". ICKY!!!!

At this point, I'm talking to a really nice guy. He's sweet and kind and educated. I don't know if he likes ME or the idea of ME. I never know until I have invested something in a relationship emotionally and end up feeling like crap.

I also know that I get treated so much better by the guys out there than some of my sisters. While I have gotten called a "fag with tits" more than I can count when I turn a guy down, guys usually go the extra mile to treat me well while wooing me. I have started editing my profiles to remove face pics because I realy want to be sure that guys are liking the strong, semi-independant, silly, nerdy, uptight, cranky, smart, funny chyck that I have become. Not a face that looks like a "beautiful 'normal' girl with something extra" (as a number of my emails tend to start off).

Turning a Critical Eye to "The Community"

I'm not sure how this happens, but it does in every marginalized group of people. A group will compare itself to the majority culture and, in an attempt to gain acceptance, try to comply with the affectations of that culture.

I was with a good friend of mine, a natal woman who is back and sports some lovely long dreadlocks. We were waiting for the bus with a couple of other African-American women who were giving my friend ye olde "stink eye". One turned to the other and said "At least I can pass for white". My friend turned around and sad "Until you open that ghetto-ass mouth". I was ready for a throw-down (without Bobby Flay), but no fisti-cuffs resulted.

This got me thinking about some conversations I have been having in various online forums, and some I have been avoiding all together. The invisible, whispered, apparent divisions within the M2F Trans community. At the top you have the gals who have had SRS, or are just about to do so. Then you have a stratification of women who move up or down based on their either their surgical status, or INTENDED surgical status. The lowly "non-op" gal is at the bottom, regardless of her reasons, and piled high with assumptions by the gal who were able to shell out the cash for the switcheroo.

Then you have, like our snotty gals at the bus stop, the women who can "pass for woman". Knowing as I do that nobody passes ALL the time, the ones who can reasonably pass MOST of the time are the prize. Both for the guys who date us, and for our community. Passing is important for personal peace of mind and safety. We rioTgirls are in two different places regarding "passing" and our experiences vary GREATLY based on this fact. Particularly regarding our interactions within the Trans Community (including guys/gals who date within the community).

My issue isn't SRS, or Passing, or the women who do either or both. My issue is the establishment of authority to determine authenticity based on either criteria. Rather than embrace the full spectrum of gender variant people, the SRS crowd want to make THEIR goal everyone's. The reality is, body modification MUST be done with an end to anxiety as a goal - the goal NEEDS to be self-comfort and nothing more. If SRS is what makes someone feel complete, ROCK OUT!! Save that cash and book your hospital stay. If it isn't, then you shouldn't be made to feel like a fetishist, or a cross dresser, or a whore - unless you adopt those descriptors for yourself.

**This is where I personal opinion comes in, and it is just that OPINION***
Passing, is IMO more important than a vagina. The face gives more clues to gender than a bulge in the skirt. On the other hand, obsessing over "passability" is the surest way NOT to pass - you will NEVER pass as well as you want to. It's part of the beauty myth that there is an ideal body/face/personality - don't buy into it beyond your own comfort levels. If you use personal comfort as your guide, rather than measurements of your skull vs. those of an average woman's skull as your guide, your quest for passability will be comforting rather than anxious.

Unlike my friend, I'd never tell a "passing woman" that her actions betray her history. I'd also like to come to a point within our community where surgical status, how contoured our forehead is, or any other artificial qualifications are non-issues. Heck, I'd like to see the day where a guy with a beard to his knees can claim a Trans*identity and feel no compulsion to modify is body to find acceptance within the Trans community. Acceptance within the greater community will likely take much longer...

Anti-Trans Feminists

I promised to show some feminists who were anti-trans and it didn't take long while reading about the Michigan Womyn's Music Fest policy to find dirtywhiteboi. She's a self proclaimed Butch Lesbian who seem to have an axe to grind against trans* folks. Her focus seems to be transmen, but she an equal opportunity hater. To be fair, her blog is:

www.dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com/

In her posts on a michfest discussion board, as well as her own blog, she has a tendency to post a comment and refuse to answer any challenges or requests for research to verify her claims. Perfect way to re frame and discount the lived experiences of people without being called out. Using her cis privilege to tell trans people what they are (diseased, narcissistic, delusional) without the uncomfortable need to view reactions or facts.

Her tactics are those of the Religious Right. Her blog is full of convenient snippets from Trans Blogs, LiveJournals, and discussion boards devoid of their proper context. She then, oh so joyfully ads her own comments, observations, and critiques.. because we all know that a cis womon is better able to tell a Trans*person what is going on in their life.

Unfortunately, she contradicts herself: (Note: I'd link to the specific article, but the pictures are a bit more risque than I'm currently comfortable showing - it's from June 26 2008 though)


"I seriously dont know which one is worse, granny on top thinking cuz she sprouted a few chinny chin chin hairs (gran? srly shave that shit) after going through "the change" she's a man, or Heart on the bottom thinking nobody knows he's not a man! HELLO! I always had my suspicions about Heart, (even battered women dont hate men that much) but that pic clinches it for me! If Heart isnt a fucking bio male I'll eat someones hat!(dirt doesnt do hats-that pesky ear sticking out issue)."

This is shown with two pictures, one of an assumed transman (or perhaps particularly butch womon) and another of an assumed cis femme who is thin and has a pronounced Adam's apple. Now DWB - you moron.. which is it - do physical traits make gender or not??? If "chin hairs" are not a determining factor to someones gender/sex identity, why question someones gender/sex identity due to the existence of a visible Adam's apple?? Both are incorrectly applied to men only. But I guess they only matter when you can make a dig on someone to erase their identity as a man, or use transsexualism as a means to questions someones biological history as a womon. Really affirming of body image there DWB - you go!!

There is soooo much to pick apart here.. so so so much. I just want to leave with two things. DWB's identity is secure as a Butch Lesbian. She can claim that identity because her life has shown that to be correct. It wasn't so long ago that Lesbianism was viewed as a mental disease, and even a form of Narcissism... "Female Inversion" was the popular term in the 20's-40's. But now, DWB can correctly claim "That her identity is a born identity".. she doesn't seem to afford Trans* people that luxury. Yes, luxury..her cis privileged allows her to minimise, re frame, other, discount, ignore the realities of being Trans while at the same time railing against Misogyny and the gender binary. It must have been a happy day when this Butch Dyke found someone else to take a crap on.

Grumpy Emails

I recently had an online discussion with a guy who is looking to explore his curiosity for "special girls". I won't lie, I get contacted by guys on TG dating sites lots some are sweet and some are total jackasses. This one comment stood out and why I am writing this after some processing.

"Most of these sites are full of ugly cross dressers and beautiful prostitutes".. ok he used a different word for "prostitute". He went on to compliment me on how I look etc. and hoped I was "for real" not not another "gurl after my money".

It's a common enough comment, either expressed or implied, by men who date us. Here is the deal guys. Every Trans* woman can pass and be beautiful - with surgery. Every man I have talked to wants a totally "passable" TS who looks like a gorgeous woman, but with the ability and desire to top. Here is the issue as I see it...

1) These guys never take a moment to apply the same standards to their own bodies/looks. If you can't snag a hot 20-something cis woman, why do you think you can snag a hot (er) Trans woman???

Don't get me wrong, I've dated guys and really liked guys who were very very average as are as looks went. They had a personality and humor that won me over. So it's not just looks I'm talking about, but the whole package.

2) The surgeries needed by most of us to "pass" well enough to try to meet the standards of the "curious and looking" are really expensive. In my case, I pass..very well. I guess I'm pretty cute, I'm $30,000 in debt because of it. That's after paying off a good portion over the past few years.

I don't own a car because of my face, I don't have a home because of my face, I don't have lots of luxuries because of my face. I'm actually pretty much broke and will be for the next 30 years...because of my face. I honestly don't begrudge a cute young T-girl for wanting some help handling her bills. It's hard to get a job even if you are "stealth", and getting a GOOD job is even harder... much less keeping it if they find out.

A friend of mine called me out about my surgical debt. "Girlina, your vanity got you inna this.. maybe you need ta use that ta get out." ... yes, she calls me "Girlina" *sigh*. The thing is, it was partly vanity, partly luck, and partly fear that made me have this series of surgeries, and I'm very pleased with the results. Vanity, because 7 years ago when I started, I swore that I'd stop if I couldn't look REALLY good. Luck, because I was able to fund my surgeries because I had a man who could support me while I save for them. Fear, because I didn't want to get my ass beat anymore.

So guys, look at you in the mirror, because I guarantee you that TSs on the scene encounter two types of men. "Pathetic guys who think we are so hard up we'll deal with their crap or Hot guys who stay long enough to pop and then freak out." See the knife cuts both ways.. sucks don't it.

Ask a Tranny

The rioTgirls are members of a few online forums that cater to Trans* women and also dug around the Internet and found a couple places where those men who date us (well mostly want to share porn about us) gather. In our time on these sites we have had a number of people ask us privately some very good questions. Right now, I'd like to answer one that is near and dear to my heart, and perhaps this can become a continuing feature.

Q: I'm a new T-gurl and I really want to look like a woman . I have heard mention that silicone injections work really well in feminizing the body while maintaining orgasm. Is this true?

A: First, I'm not one to tell another person what to do with their body. All I can do is deliver some facts and tell you what I have done or would be willing to do. Some facts... Yes, you CAN achieve some really amazing results with injections and since it isn't a hormone, it won't interfere with the production of testosterone (so you will be able to remain "fully functional"). It will also do nothing for the production of body hair, and the continued masculinization of the skeleton. These can only be done with hormone therapy.

Also, it should be mentioned that this is completely ILLEGAL and UNSAFE. No doctor would recommend this for his/her Trans* patients. You are essentially letting some untrained person with a needle inject what amounts to bathroom caulking into your body. Guess what happens? Yes.. women FRIKKING DIE because the crap gets injected into their veins by accident, or their lungs. That's right they DIE!! Sometimes they don't die immediately, but they end up in a coma, or losing the ability to use the part of their body that was injected. Imagine not being able to use your hips..and legs.. and feet because the nervous system and muscles are all "gooped up".

Most women don't die from this however..initially. Further down the line, silicone migrates because it's heavier than fat... so over time the silicone will travel down and can pass through organs (see above for the Death and coma bit). Eventually you have silicone "pooling" in parts of your body.

Silicone gets hard eventually. Either you get it scooped out as it starts to migrate (expensive procedure that.. and dangerous on its own..and not easy to do) or you start to get hard silicone lumps where it's pooling. Yeah, think about that.. you get a little "bump" in our forehead to get a female face, and eventually you have a series of painful hard bumps along your brow ridge, moving toward your optic nerves. Oh and migrating silicone REALLY wants to migrate all the way out of your body. You know, like Chyna from the WWE when her implants busted out on the mat.. except injected silicone isn't in a container... it's just kinda drippy and clumpy and gross.

I caution women from doing this. I can't stress the "YOU CAN DIE" part enough. I do, however, know how appealing it is. Cosmetic surgery is expensive, HRT takes time and money and the results are so varied from person to person. I know, I've been there.. I am there.. I'd kill to look like some of those women in the movies. Silicone injections can help us pass and hold down jobs and not get mocked on the street. It makes our date ability increase as we become more like that fantasy of the hot chick with a working tool.

Again, I'm not here to tell someone how to transition. It's as individual as the person doing it. I think it is prudent to understand that few shortcuts ever work as intended. Seriously think about your future and your future well being. You can go to jail or be fined for attending a "pumping party", you will eventually have to "touch up" the areas as the silicone migrates, your health and very life are in the hands of someone who is untrained and unprepared to intervene in case something goes wrong.

I'd never do it, and would never help someone I know do it. I would actively try to talk them out of it. But, I have friends who have done it and look very good. The bottom line is... is this really worth it???

Worst.Date.Ever.

Recently, I went out with a local guy I met on the Internet. I wasn't expecting anything, and wouldn't have mentioned this date except for how gloriously wrong it was.

Mind you, I was not expecting "Mr Right" or even "Mr Right Now". I just wanted to go out and meet a new person. If things "clicked" that would have been a bonus. Anyway, after a week of emails and the odd IM, we set up a meting for late afternoon. I was interviewing for a job and told him so, in case I was late. I was also going to be close to his place, so we decided to meet there. I show up, a little early.

Not only does he not look like how he described himself (not a big deal since It's the Internet, and a dating site.. folks fudge that stuff all the time) but he answers the door in grubby old sweat pants and a t-shirt. I figure he isn't ready yet, and I am a little early. I apologize for being early. He gets this HUGE grin as as looks me up and down and thanks me for stopping over. He's being a little nervous which I think is cute, so he's making up points for not being close to what I expected.

He invites me in and offers a seat and a drink. I decline both (safety you know) and ask if he had any thoughts on where we could eat, or maybe he wanted a casual coffee or something. He looked at me like I was speaking Klingon... "Oh, you'd like to go out??... sure we can do that. You look pretty good". I should have bolted at this point... he was surprised that I wanted to go in public... and THEN my looks were what made it OK to do so. I stayed..silly girl..

He grabbed his house keys and made for the door. In those sweat pants and the t-shirt... Here I am, dressed to impress.. and he wants to take me out looking like he just got home from the gym. I figure what the heck, goodness knows I resent having to put in the effort to look stunning for guys, so maybe he's just telling me he isn't expecting me to always be dolled up - that would be cool.

We go down stairs and he takes me to his car. In a stupid lapse of thought I get in rather than take my car. We drive maybe 3 blocks to a McDonalds ... yes a freaking McDonalds. It isn't like there were no other places, there were some local restaurants as well as some nice affordable sit-down places. But here we were... I ordered some fries and a coke.

Conversation hit the two BIG points for lots of guys. He isn't gay, AND he was afraid that I wouldn't look good in person. Yes, the man who lied about his appearance and can't be bothered to put on proper pants was worried about how *I* looked. He noticed that I was only eating fries, and assumed it was on a diet. Oh.. did I mention that I had to pay for my own food.. I'm no princess, so I don't really care about paying my way on a date. I actually insist on it so the guy doesn't feel I'm obligated to sex him up later. But is IS nice to have the offer.

"Dinner" is finally over and I have a headache from a room full of screaming kids. We go to his place and get out of the car. He invites me up..more like expects me to follow him up. When he notices that I'm not following he turns around and.... makes it very clear he is expecting sex "now that we have that stuff out of the way... we can get down to business". He is greeted with an arched eyebrow and a frown as I head to the car.

He urges me to hurry because his GIRLFRIEND will be home in an hour and he wants to make sure we have enough time. He didn't mention a girlfriend before .. I ask about her. It seems that she is on her period and he wanted to get some sex, so called me.

And finally.. when I was clear I was getting into my car, not getting into his bed, and not at all pleased...he opened his wallet showing me a wad of cash. Pointed to the contents and then his crotch.

I have been on great dates with super guys, I've been on dates that just didn't go anywhere, I've been on dates where the guy insulted me or embarassed me.. I have never had such a completely bad date.. nothing was even "ok" .. it was stupid and pathetic and I could have used that time to paint my toenails or something...Just venting a bit and begging anyone who reads this.. don't be THAT guy.

Cue Thunder and Lightning

Dr Janice Raymond... a figure who has been blogged to death amongst Trans* bloggers and Radical Feminists. If you don't know about Dr Raymond and her impact on Trans* life in the US, I'll give some brief history.

In 1979 Janice Raymond, Professor of Women's Studies at the University of MA wrote "The Transsexual Empire: the making of the she-male". In this book she equates transitioning to rape... yes RAPE (as a Feminist, she knew full well the weight of that word). She further went on in her book to publicly "out" Sandy Stone, who worked for Olivia Records (a very important recording studio that is women-owned and operated .. seriously good important stuff happened and is happening with Olivia Records). Ms Raymond ultimately called for the termination of Ms Stone and under threat of a very real boycott, Olivia fired her. Ms Stone's gender status was known and until then a non-issue within Olivia Records.

As if this particular bit of personal mean-spirited attack on an individuals employment wasn't enough. Ms Raymond submitted a paper to Congress in the 1980's when the issue of support for SRS was being debated. Specifically, the issue as to whether Medicare/Medicaid should be used to assist with the costs of transitioning. Congress, with Ms Raymond's "research", decided that government medical assistance would not be used to fund SRS or HRT. Taking a cue from the government, insurance companies soon determined that they wouldn't cover these either. They went further and decided not not cover (in many cases) issues like Breast Cancer for Trans Women.

This has then (nice how things loop back) created a rather large group of women who cannot afford SRS or HRT, with no options but prostitution or porn to fund their transitioning. Since GD/GID isn't "real" enough for the government, it isn't "real" enough for most private employers either, TGs so often get fired - just because.

So.. I'm pissed.. I read ads looking for a "Hot Shemale" and not only do I see some guy who has no clue and no actual interest in my reality, or any other transwoman's reality.. I see that freaking word, part of that book that calls me a RAPIST and firmly set me in my place as only worth medical treatment if I could come up with tens of thousands of dollars in addition to a couple hundred each month for those pesky 'mones.

I have been looking at the legal requirements for changing one's sex. They vary from state to state, and I'll get into some specific requirements later. One thing that I have noticed and that is really bothering me is that in most state, and countries for that matter, the requirement to be legally officially recognized as a woman is to have SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery). The standards are different for transmen probably because surgical options are pretty limited.

What this does is create a class of woman who is kept from attaining the status that she is living. This impacts unfairly poor women, young women, old women, women with illnesses, and women of color. Not to mention women who don't mind or rather enjoy their penis.

This also creates another class of people, namely "mental health professionals", who have the right to deny a woman her legal status by denying her surgical intervention. I have heard so many stories of women who were denied SRS because they were "too old", or didn't "pass well", or didn't exhibit "qualities congruent with their target gender" - that is they didn't act like a hyper femme stereotypical woman.

Economics must be the motivation here. Since the people doing the gatekeeping KNOW that gender is a function of identity and not plumbing. The people who hold the surgical key charge soooooooooooooooo much for it. Really, it is time for our doctors and "care givers" to get off their collective asses and help us change these restrictions so that myself and my sisters can do things like get jobs and simply live our lives.

Words to Love By

I so love to read the personal ads. It's a guilty pleasure of mine and a point of shame until figured out everyone I know reads them too. I particularly love to read the ads of guys looking for T-gals... who knows, maybe I'll find love (HA!).

What strikes me are the two most common requirements from men for T-gals.
1) Fully Functional
2) 100% Passable

OK, I have NO ISSUE with guys/gals/?? liking particular "types". We all have physical qualifications for our partners. We all have sexual desires and needs and a fantasy or two. I get all that. The thing is, I don't ever read ads for "Smart Trans-Lady who can hold a conversation". It's always " Seeking TV/TS with fully functional cock. MUST be cute and TOTALLY Passable."

The "P" word.. let's look at that one...

To the guy I'm sure he's thinking "Passable" means "Looks like a pretty woman". He has visions of Trans porn and the women who populate his fantasy life.

To a Trans woman, "Passable" means "I look enough like an average woman that I don't get laughed at in the mall by teen aged boys, I can shop for clothes at Target and actually use the changing room, the waiter will apologize when he mistakenly calls me 'sir'".

What happens on a date?

"Passable" becomes an impossible qualification for even attractive genetic women to meet. Every aspect of our face, body (damn those hands and feet), mannerisms, likes and dislikes, our sneezes and coughs and walk and laugh are all held to the strictest of gender-based ideals. If there is ANY variation from the strict ideal of "Feminine" the guy has his out and often a dig at us on his way out..

"You were a good lay, and you are cute.... buuuut I can still kinda see the guy in you. No offence, but I'll be going now."

"Passing" goes from something we try to do so we don't get our asses kicked; to a brand new unattainable standard of beauty reserved only for transwomen. I read comments from guys looking at pictures of "Shemale" porn stars and even THEY aren't passing enough. Passing becomes our own appendix to the beauty myth and a way for the men who date us to be cowards and blame it on us.

June is Gay Pride

It used to be GLBT Pride (Gay, Lesbian, Bi, and Trans) but lately I haven't been feeling the love from the G and the L (probably too much love from the B..but anyway). It is been blogged to death about the ENDA and the removal of gender identity by Barney (openly gay) Frank (D MA) so that a version could pass that included sexual orientation. So I won't get into that mess right now.

What I will get into is the reaction to the reaction of Transfolks by Gay and Lesbian bloggers. Lots of support has been shown, and lots of national and local groups with held support for the non-trans version of the bill (hooray!). But, what I hear from friends and have read online leads me to believe that the support for trans people isn't really there. That is, gay folks seem more than happy to toss me and mine overboard so they can get theirs.

"Well, they don't have a place in the movement anyway"
"They need to get their panties untwisted"
"Drag Queens are the worst part of the gay movement"
"Maybe we should have two movements one for 'normal gays' and one for the trannies and queers"

Just a few things I have heard or read posted about.

Unfortunately, the Gay Movement IS the Trans Movement. Remember Stonewall? You know the proverbial "spark" that defined the modern movement. That was a bunch of Drag Queens who were not white, not wealthy, and not "straight acting". The Homophile movement was happening at the same time using the old "we are just like you" approach (the one that ultimately seems to have worked). It was, however, a bunch of DQs, Trannies, Butch Dykes, hookers, sissies, and gender variant people who got pissed and started a riot. This got the nation's attention and got the dialogue started in living rooms across the country. A bunch of gay guys and femmed up lesbians picketing the White House wasn't doing it.

Even further back, it was the "obviously gay/lesbian" (read non-gender conforming) person who was leading the charge for equality - because they HAD TO.

So, remember the next time you want to grumble about how bad it is that the DQs get the news cameras, or those uppity trannies are trying to ruin it all by pushing their selfish agenda. It was the uppity trannies and the flashy DQs who made it so you could gather in your cute gay bar and not have to pay the Mafia for the privilege. So, yeah.. lets put the "T" back.