More Gender Discussion

As stated earlier, for some reason my awareness was always directed towards females in a way that was not true for my brothers. Men were "other" and while I received conditioning and socialization as a male, I also watched and learned and internalized female socialization.

Socialization that I sometimes needed Feminism to disect and process and ultimately try to change. As an adult, I found I had given myself very little agency in my life. Saying "no" was hard, particularly with men. Determining my own sexual and romantic needs and desires was (and still is) often impossible. Putting my needs before another's is still second nature.

In adulthood, my housemates were always women, mostly Lesbian women and always Feminists. We were all very politically active centering on GLBT, Women's, and Anti-Racist issues. I bring this up to offer another example of that *something* that understanding, that thing that hasn't a name yet. I GOT sexism, I saw it, I understood it, I could feel it. It was that way that boys and men acted that made me feel like I didn't belong. It was those comments they made and the way they looked at women that made me uncomfortable. It wasn't a political theory, or a social critique - it was the name of a very real part of my internal conflict.

This was in marked contrast with how I came to understand race and class issues. Comming from a place of relative privelege, I wasn't aware of how I contributed to raceism or classism. Thankfully I usually had the sense to shut up and listen when POCs would talk about Race. I accepted what they said as, at the very least, their truth. However there was a probably common period where I just really didn't "get it". I had to unlearn and examine myself in light of race and class opression.

I'm not saying I didn't have male privelege or use it. I'm also not saying that I had a childhood like a girl has a childhood. What I am saying it I saw my childhood and processed all the information I was given in a way that made "woman" the normal and "man" the other thing that wasn't safe and wasn't particularly important (except for being cute). Unlike my Raceism, which was the invisible unseen unchallenged "way things are".

My use of race and raceism isn't intended to compare opressions. Rather, I hope to show how a Trans* identity can filter social messages by using an example of social messages about race/class that were (unfortunately) more traditionally filtered and processed and challenged.

I have no idea if other Trans* people have anything like this. I am simply stating how I understand my childhood.

I got to Thinking

I read Questioning Transphobia regularly. I have to say Lisa Harney is one of my idols, along with RiftGirl they were the unwitting kick in the pants I needed to start this little blog (along with other groovy friends who told both of us we needed to talk less and write more).

Anyway, a recent shit storm on the F Word blog is documented and commented on QT.

http://questioningtransphobia.wordpress.com/

This reminded me of some conversations I have had with long time Lesbian Feminist friends of mine. A few things keep comming up when talking with my friends and also talking with RadFems on the Internt that I would like to discuss.

1) You can be a "different kind of man (woman)".

This assumes I didn't actually TRY that - for YEARS.. and YEARS.

2) "I wasn't comfortable being a 'girl' growing up, but through soul-searching and really processing my feelings and society's demands on women I was able to be comfortable as a butch lesbian who loves her female body."

This one REALLY stinks. It stinks to the highest heaven. It centers a Trans* person's life on the cis-gendered person's experience of comming to terms with their own non-conforming gender expression. It further claims that what's good enough for them is good enough for me. It assumes, again, that I didn't Try that for YEARS..and YEARS.

3) "In MY world there would be no gender, so no need to transition. Everyone could dress and act the way they pleased."

Awesome.. I wanna live there too. Except.. well, I would still be transitioning. See it isn't about clothes, or hair, or shaving, or makeup. I did all that yummy goodness as a BIG OLE SISSY boy. The thing is - I UNDERSTOOD myself, from as early as I can remember, as being a girl. There is nothing more to say because there isn't language to express it. The affectations of "feminity" are just that - props to be used or discarded at my whim. The UNDERSTANDING is not the same as a desire to put on mum's shoes.

4) "There is so much pressure to transition. It's like if you don't feel enough like a guy or a gal you should transition."

My assumption from this is the pressure is comming from within the Trans* community. I haven't seen it. Quite the opposite actually. When I was first seriously questioning transition every Trans*woman I met was quick to point out that being a Drag Queen, or a Cross Dresser, or a sissy guy was valid and perfectly OK.

If the pressure is supposed to be somming from society - WHAT??!! Let me say without hesitation - me being seen as a shy sissified gay boy was so much easier than being seen as Trans. Night and day - seriously.

Also, the underlying theme here is that transitioning is somehow easier than being non-conforming to one's birth sex. That Trans* folks are taking the path of least resistance. Again I'll say from where I sit, it was a hell of alot easier to be a fey man than a tranny.

Personal Stuff

I'm one of the authors of this blog - I'm the one who just started to transition. My idea for this is to document my transition as far as I decide to go. Throw out some of my observations and maybe tell some jokes along the way.

Growing up I always identified with women. I wished I WAS a woman. Actually I really thought I was a little girl for a long time. Puberty set in, and my god!! there was no denying I wasn't physically female. I also REALLY liked guys. So over the years I just identified as a super-duper sissy gay guy.

I have a partner and we have been together for 12 years. Everything was pretty swell until last summer. I had a serious depression and very nearly suicidal thoughts because for as long as I can remember I simply hated my body. Not like specific parts, but the whole thing. I avoided mirrors and showers were as quick as I could make them. Sex was never ever done with the lights on and usually I kept as many clothes on as I could.

I was so depressed that I decided to get some help from a therapist. I always related to women, particularly lesbians so I looked for a lesbian therapist. I found a woman whose focus is body image and GLBT issues. I figured she was a good match.

Part of my image problem was I really hated being such a femme gay guy. Images and expectations within the gay male community hold the most masculine as the goal and the more "femme" as comic relief. I mentioned in passing that I probably had some gender issues when I called my therapist the first time.

A nice bit of synergy happened. I met some fantastic trans women online and listened to them and my own feelings. There was a calm where I had anxiety. Gender became the topic of discussion in therapy for many weeks. The label of Transsexual fits.. like a glove. So now what?

Well, I have a relationship with a gay man - he loves the look of a man. He respects who I am and how I see myself and always has. He just resists and becomes anxious about any physical changes while at the same time respecting and honoring my internal identity.

After accepting the label of Transgendered, I dove into all the information I could find. I know about hormones, and genital surgery, and facial surgery. I became overwhelmed by all this. The stuff that was supposed to lessen my anxiety only increased it.

Then the epiphany... I don't HAVE to do ANYTHING. My identity is secure, I am and have always identified as female. I currently present as male because it makes my partner's life easier, and simple economics. Transitioning is expensive particularly when you do it in middle age.

Will I ever live full-time as a woman? I don't know. What I do know is after figuring out the root of my body image and taking small steps to correct my perceptions of myself I am finally at ease with my body. After finally determining that transition has to happen on my terms and on my schedule I am less anxious about the future.