The Cowards We Date

This thought has been rumbling around in my mind since November. The observation of the TODR was covered, obviously, by the online Trans* communities. The Feminist and Gay/Lesbian bloggers were also very active, and also with reporting the stories memorialized on that day.

Where are the "Admirers"? Where were the guys who objectify bodies like mine? Where were the guys who make money off of bodies like mine? Where were the guys who love/date/fuck/lust after gals like me? To the best of my knowledge, they were silent - quiet while they "hunted" or cashed their checks.

Men are willing to go online to cry about how gawd aweful it would be if their friends found out, they are willing to make "Shemale" porn quite profitable, they are more than happy to reduce me and mine to the sum total of our parts. But when one of us is harmed, we can't count on them - they evaporate like fog by mid-day.

Once again a friend of mine is sexually assulted by a man she thought was "swell". Once again someone I know is afraid of how the authorities will react, so she is silent and ashamed. Once again, the firs reaction from people who know is to ask if the guy knew her status (because we all know that Trans*women love to pull that surprise *rolleyes*). No man will ever help us, they have too much invested in keeping us a dirty secret.

TODR - Why I'm Pissed

Yesterday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance. Most every person who reads this will be aware of the TODR and written about it or read something powerful about it. I have always had a link to the Remembering Our Dead site because it's that damn important to me.

I'm angry because we are still being killed. I am angry that our murders don't get solved. I am angry that the G the L and the B pay token attention to our issues.

But that's not why I'm PISSED. I'm PISSED because our lives are still erased by the media. Our names are written "IN QUOTES" like a nickname. We are "gay men" who "dressed as women". Our lives, our humanity, our identity is constantly questioned by cis-sexual society to the point we get no relief even in death. When we are murdered, we are somehow partly to blame.

The men who "admire" us are oddly absent at a TDOR. Our lives are only as valuable as their next orgasm. We are only allowed to be the sexy silly dolls of their little fantasy land. When the lights come on and their dreams are over, they are absent, silent, afraid.

At the end of the last TDOR I spoke to a couple friends about safety. I found out that the number of Trans*women I personally know who have been assaulted sexually is 100%. Yup ALL of us every age, every occupation, every socio-economic class. Most of us have been hit or threatened with violence by an intimate partner. Half of us have had our status as Trans* used as ammunition to coerce us into staying in a relationship, or not reporting violence.

I want to have an answer, and mostly I'm pissed that I don't.

Changing the Subject..

Back to the same old subject. I was thinking about guys who dig transwomen and date us. How they so often won't even show up for a date - guys don't believe me when I say it, but MY GOD if I had $5 for every time I had to eat or see a movie alone, I'd be paying for someone elses' feminizing surgeries - I'd be THAT frikkin rich!.

Guys who are attracted to TGs, and have the guts to actually contact us are special folks. Unfortunately, they know this. They know that the pool of guys is pretty small. While porn may be the name of the game these days, and trans porn is pretty popular, the guys who are looking at it are largely never going to act on it. I have made a couple observations.

1) The guys know better than to call us "he". But, they almost say "she" like they are in on some private joke. Like there is an almost invisible wink and nudge.

2) They feel entitled to behave poorly, because .. well they FEEL special. Like they are our only chance at a date or sex or a relationship. This gives them some sort of subconscious OK to expect that we will simply take rude, poor, violent, insulting behavior and smile and still feel special because they have stooped low enough to give us a little time.

Obviously, if you are reading this blog and are a male you very likely don't fit these observations. It is also very likely that neither of us have dated you ;).

What's in a Name?

I'm tired of typing "guys who date girls like me" to refer to..umm.. guys who date girls like me. The thing is there are terms available, but I just don't like them. They conjure strange images or seem awkward, or are rather sexist. I'd like to come up with a term that's more specific than "guy" or "man" - I know labels are limiting and dehumanizing, but they are also useful as a mental shorthand to express ideas. I'd really like to get men involved in the discussion since ultimately, I think people should be able to define themselves.

Some of the terms used for guys in "the community" and my take on them are:

Admirer - This sounds like someone watching without participating. My interactions with "admirers" seems to back this up. They have tended to skulk on the sidelines, not talking to TGs. The guys at TG bars, nights, events who hang out by the bar and leer at us....

Tranny Chaser - This sounds more like something you order at a bar.. "I'd like a Bourbon with a Tranny Chaser". It also sounds a little creepy, and I can't help thinking of "Bug Chasers" (Nutty gay guys looking to be infected with HIV).

Hunters - This one actually pisses me off. It's used by guys who vacation in Thailand for the LadyBoy scene. It dehumanizes the LB as "prey" and feeds the male ego as "conqueror/hunter/hero". Also, as any actual hunter will tell you proper hunting requires skill and luck. It requires no skill for a flabby middle-aged white dude to plop in ass on a bar stool and have enough money to pat the bar fine and the time of his "prey".

TransBiSexual - I don't mind this one so much. It seems to indicate a guy who is attracted to non/pre - op gals as well as genetic women who is not attracted to men. The down side is it puts the focus on the sexual aspects only.

TransSexual Lover (TSL) (T-Lover) - Also not bad IMO. Although it could be augued how much "Love" comes into play here.

Worst.Date.Ever.

Recently, I went out with a local guy I met on the Internet. I wasn't expecting anything, and wouldn't have mentioned this date except for how gloriously wrong it was.

Mind you, I was not expecting "Mr Right" or even "Mr Right Now". I just wanted to go out and meet a new person. If things "clicked" that would have been a bonus. Anyway, after a week of emails and the odd IM, we set up a meting for late afternoon. I was interviewing for a job and told him so, in case I was late. I was also going to be close to his place, so we decided to meet there. I show up, a little early.

Not only does he not look like how he described himself (not a big deal since It's the Internet, and a dating site.. folks fudge that stuff all the time) but he answers the door in grubby old sweat pants and a t-shirt. I figure he isn't ready yet, and I am a little early. I apologize for being early. He gets this HUGE grin as as looks me up and down and thanks me for stopping over. He's being a little nervous which I think is cute, so he's making up points for not being close to what I expected.

He invites me in and offers a seat and a drink. I decline both (safety you know) and ask if he had any thoughts on where we could eat, or maybe he wanted a casual coffee or something. He looked at me like I was speaking Klingon... "Oh, you'd like to go out??... sure we can do that. You look pretty good". I should have bolted at this point... he was surprised that I wanted to go in public... and THEN my looks were what made it OK to do so. I stayed..silly girl..

He grabbed his house keys and made for the door. In those sweat pants and the t-shirt... Here I am, dressed to impress.. and he wants to take me out looking like he just got home from the gym. I figure what the heck, goodness knows I resent having to put in the effort to look stunning for guys, so maybe he's just telling me he isn't expecting me to always be dolled up - that would be cool.

We go down stairs and he takes me to his car. In a stupid lapse of thought I get in rather than take my car. We drive maybe 3 blocks to a McDonalds ... yes a freaking McDonalds. It isn't like there were no other places, there were some local restaurants as well as some nice affordable sit-down places. But here we were... I ordered some fries and a coke.

Conversation hit the two BIG points for lots of guys. He isn't gay, AND he was afraid that I wouldn't look good in person. Yes, the man who lied about his appearance and can't be bothered to put on proper pants was worried about how *I* looked. He noticed that I was only eating fries, and assumed it was on a diet. Oh.. did I mention that I had to pay for my own food.. I'm no princess, so I don't really care about paying my way on a date. I actually insist on it so the guy doesn't feel I'm obligated to sex him up later. But is IS nice to have the offer.

"Dinner" is finally over and I have a headache from a room full of screaming kids. We go to his place and get out of the car. He invites me up..more like expects me to follow him up. When he notices that I'm not following he turns around and.... makes it very clear he is expecting sex "now that we have that stuff out of the way... we can get down to business". He is greeted with an arched eyebrow and a frown as I head to the car.

He urges me to hurry because his GIRLFRIEND will be home in an hour and he wants to make sure we have enough time. He didn't mention a girlfriend before .. I ask about her. It seems that she is on her period and he wanted to get some sex, so called me.

And finally.. when I was clear I was getting into my car, not getting into his bed, and not at all pleased...he opened his wallet showing me a wad of cash. Pointed to the contents and then his crotch.

I have been on great dates with super guys, I've been on dates that just didn't go anywhere, I've been on dates where the guy insulted me or embarassed me.. I have never had such a completely bad date.. nothing was even "ok" .. it was stupid and pathetic and I could have used that time to paint my toenails or something...Just venting a bit and begging anyone who reads this.. don't be THAT guy.

Guys Who Date Gals Like Me

I, like most Trans*women who date guys, often wonder what the hell those dudes are thinking. I'll rant on and on about past dates, and near dates, and things that may have been dates but got to pathetic to be called a "proper date" later (and then later and then even later I'm sure). What I'd like to do is give out information to my sisters. Things I have puzzled out and observed and have had clarified for me by *gasp* men who date gals like me.

Most men will see an image (probably pornographic) of a woman they find attractive who has a penis. Sometimes something "clicks" in their guy-brains and they develop an attraction or curiosity for women with a penis. For the majority of these guys the attraction stays firmly sexual and curious and pornographic.

Some men act on their curiosity and meet and date trans*women and come to admire us for our strength, determination, and character. They appreciate that we understand them intimately as guys (for good and bad) and also have an understanding of what it is to be women. The non-sexual "Best of Both Worlds".

Both types of men stumble in their attractions for us and say and do really stupid things. I think this is because WE get our gender. WE have therapists and support groups, and blogs, and a community. WE "get it" and we have some help "getting it". The guys, by virtue of being guys often feel alone and isolated and have to struggle to try to "get it". By the time he is willing and able to meet an honest to goddess trannie, she is probably well past Gender 101 and the guy is still auditing the course.

I notice that many of the questions guys ask or the flip side of what I asked myself. "Am I gay?" "What does this mean", "What is this called...", "what will people do if they find out?"

This doesn't excuse BS and rude behavior. But, it does give some insight. I'm leaning to a theory that says that there is a predisposition for some genetic men and women to like trans*women. Maybe it is another sexual orientation... hmmmm.. *pondering..*