It's NOT about the Damn Dress

Why do RadFem discussions regarding Trans*women INSIST on talking about "gendered behaviors"? I'm reading the MWMF board and following a thread about "Gender as Social Construct". Feel free to visit, but it pisses me off to read it, so I wouldn't actually want to direct anyone there.

In that topic, we are treated to first a pretty classic definition of Gender vs. Sex, and then m Andrea - BLAMES Trans* for developing and using the idea of constructed gender as a means to validate transitioning. WTF! It was you friendly neighborhood RadFem who throws around that stuff to INVALIDATE transitioning.

It further goes on to talk about how in Feminist utopia where boys can play with dolls and girls can wear blue there would be no need for teh tranz because we would be loved and comforted with who we are and love and be comfortable with our bodies and our social roles.

Here is a fragging news flash! Dolls suck! Dresses are pretty shitty things to wear! pink is ugly (and sooo washes out my skin)! In short, as an adult operating as a man I had the agency to wear pink if I liked, to play with dolls, to slip into a skirt, to partake in the affectations associated with women. I did and I didn't as I pleased. I lived in the post-gender utopia as much as I could and it WASN'T CORRECT.

When a Trans* woman says she "always felt like a girl" take her on that, don't add "because I liked Barbie". If a Trans*woman says "I connected with and related to women more" let your brain stop there, don't read any desire for makeup tips or fashion advice.

If I never wear a dress again, I think I'll live.

My golly it's been some time

OK, so I'm totally at lunch at the new job. Yeah that's right a new job.... gooooo me! Thank the Gods for my friends. After far too long looking for work, I was able to get a super job at a great company. In traditional "friend of a friend need someone" styles, my pal called me and gave me a tip to an old co-worker who was looking for someone.

I was in training for the past week, so today is the start of the actual job - woo! The commute sucks ass (about 2 hours each way) but the office is, oddly, worth it. It's a smallish company, so everyone kinda knows everyone. The management is available, the benefits and pay are fair (OK who am I kidding, I pinched myself when I heard what my starting wage would be).

I'll be writing for the company, trying to strengthen their web community, and looking at customer service issues from a customer/client's perspective. So, it's a little bit bloggin', a little bit marketing, a little bit customer service, a little bit rock n' roll. Also, there is a nice level of vagueness as to what I'm actually supposed to do that would drive more anal-retentive people crazy. My job is kinda undefined, new, dynamic, and open to change - much like I am *wink*.

I hope that after the actual adjustment happens, and I get into some sort of routine, I will post more.. I mean tons of stuff going on that I have been wanting to talk about. Angie Zapata's murder trial has some news, Sarah Palin is making me cry (not why you may think), and dates are still going crappy for us and our friends.

Busy Gals - and a random thought

Both of us are in the middle of some job hunting, so we haven't been keeping this place as active as we planned. Wish us some collective luck.

Random thought that happened while writing this. A trans*woman is treated as a woman unless she gets read as trans. Then she becomes a REALLY gay man. If she has a history of attraction to men, that becomes the familliar combination of sexism and homophobia. If a Trans*woman is attracted to women, she is treated as a woman (sexism) and a lesbian (homo/lesbophobia), but if she is read as trans, then she ALSO becomes a REALLY gay man. It seems that my lesbian/bi trans-sisters have a complimentary double-dip in the icecream parlour of social stigma.

TransMen and Lesbian space

By now it shouldn't be a surprise that I follow some discussions online regarding Women's Space and Trans* inclusion. Mostly at this point as an observer, since in many of those spaces my voice isn't particularly welcome and well.. I know when to shut up.

One thing that keeps comming up is F2M inclusion in women's and specifically Lesbian spaces/events. My first reaction is a rather plain.. "What The...??!!" I mean these are guys, dudes, teh menz, boys, fellas. Why would they be invited to participate or even feel welcome to be involved in "Women's Spaces"?

I'll start off stating that my interactions with Trans*men is mostly from within the gay male community. Gay guys who were born female-bodied. These guys are not involved with, nor particularly want to participate in, women's space. They also never had a Lesbian identity. The few guys I know who transitioned from lesbian-identified women to men also left the Lesbian community for the greater GLBT.

I was surprised to hear and read about men assuming a place within women's space. When I heard their reasonings as "I don't feel 'totally male'" it suddenly makes some messages from Feminists click in my head. It Trans* guys don't feel "totally male" then Trans* women must not feel "totally female". Thus, Trans*women aren't "real" women - a boy in a dress.

So I sit on these feelings. I read from Trans Men and I try to process. It is simply too convenient to shovel all the anti-trans sentiment among some Feminist communities onto the guys. "If those pesky boys would just move out, there would be space for me."

If someone who identifies as Lesbian, has a partner, feels the need to transition, keeps the relationship with the female partner - that really complicates stuff. Particularly if the partner strongly self-identifies as Lesbian. Her identity surely should not be compromised by her partner's need to transition. So, in a way the TransMan isn't "totally male" since a "totally male" person in a relationship is never in a Lesbian relationship.

There is also the notion of community and laving a place of comfort and safety. By virtue of need, Feminists and particularly Lesbians have built a community. Started businesses, support groups, publishing houses, networks. This is hard to leave. Despite the recommendations of places like The Clarke Institute and other Gender Gatekeepers, leaving friends and relationships simply because one transitions can't be healthy. It should be difficult for someone who "came out" to a supporting community and developed an identity to up and leave.

I'd like there to be an answer. But so far, I really see all sorts of angles. Ultimately, I think Trans*Men should self-select out of Lesbian and Women's spaces, just as Trans*Women should be able to self-select in. Then again, I could just be having a PostModern Dream.

More Gender Discussion

As stated earlier, for some reason my awareness was always directed towards females in a way that was not true for my brothers. Men were "other" and while I received conditioning and socialization as a male, I also watched and learned and internalized female socialization.

Socialization that I sometimes needed Feminism to disect and process and ultimately try to change. As an adult, I found I had given myself very little agency in my life. Saying "no" was hard, particularly with men. Determining my own sexual and romantic needs and desires was (and still is) often impossible. Putting my needs before another's is still second nature.

In adulthood, my housemates were always women, mostly Lesbian women and always Feminists. We were all very politically active centering on GLBT, Women's, and Anti-Racist issues. I bring this up to offer another example of that *something* that understanding, that thing that hasn't a name yet. I GOT sexism, I saw it, I understood it, I could feel it. It was that way that boys and men acted that made me feel like I didn't belong. It was those comments they made and the way they looked at women that made me uncomfortable. It wasn't a political theory, or a social critique - it was the name of a very real part of my internal conflict.

This was in marked contrast with how I came to understand race and class issues. Comming from a place of relative privelege, I wasn't aware of how I contributed to raceism or classism. Thankfully I usually had the sense to shut up and listen when POCs would talk about Race. I accepted what they said as, at the very least, their truth. However there was a probably common period where I just really didn't "get it". I had to unlearn and examine myself in light of race and class opression.

I'm not saying I didn't have male privelege or use it. I'm also not saying that I had a childhood like a girl has a childhood. What I am saying it I saw my childhood and processed all the information I was given in a way that made "woman" the normal and "man" the other thing that wasn't safe and wasn't particularly important (except for being cute). Unlike my Raceism, which was the invisible unseen unchallenged "way things are".

My use of race and raceism isn't intended to compare opressions. Rather, I hope to show how a Trans* identity can filter social messages by using an example of social messages about race/class that were (unfortunately) more traditionally filtered and processed and challenged.

I have no idea if other Trans* people have anything like this. I am simply stating how I understand my childhood.