Is it merely a coincidence that the volume of those suffering from trannyism are WHITE STRAIGHT MIDDLE CLASS MEN???? That the trannyism disorder is an identity disorder grown out of the "special snowflake syndrome"??? Why among the GLBT is the trans group the only group that primarily consists of heteropatriarchal middle/upper middle class white males??? Where are all the poor minority gay men with this disorder? Where are the numbers of minority females with this disorder? Could it be that this is a disorder of race and class? That most who cannot afford (non wealthy hetero whites) this disorder will likely never develop it???

I've personally witnessed infighting within various trans communities of what exactly constitutes as trans by trans. Have seen with my own eyes men telling other men who IDed as trans-women but stated they couldnt afford to begin "medically transitioning" that they were in fact NOT trans until they have electrolysis/female hormones/SRS/FSS etc! Bascially declaring if you cannot afford to "transition" you cannot in effect BE trans! And like everything else in our patriarchal society the majority those who have most of the power and money are WHITE HETEROPATRIARCHAL MALES! So should we be surprised at all that highest number of trans ID'd are WHITE HETEROPATRIARCHAL MIDDLE CLASS MALES???? I think not

!

This was posted on the MWMF board recently. I have promised that I wouldn't post there any more, so I'm not addressing it there.

I would, however, like to make an observation. Where does this white woman get off erasing trans*women from Mexico to Argentina? What about the Hijra and Kathoey in India and Thailand? The Two-Spirit Native Americans? All the other Trans* women from all over the world who are not white, not European. How about the Trans*women of all ethnic origins who are not close to being Middle-Class? Could it be that she is looking at Trans* through a window of privilege - namely those Trans* who have access to the Internet?

I would like to point out that she does, actually, bring up a valid point about various trans* communities. There is a level of elitism expressed. The ones who can afford SRS questioning the identity of ones who cannot. Her observations are viewed through a cis lens and that lens has warped and distorted the discussions. Removing the influence of the gatekeeper medical establishment who have a vested interest in making SRS not just an option, but THE goal for Trans*.

Before taking to task white, middle-class Trans* - perhaps she should check her own racist assumptions about Teh Tranz. Perhaps she should view the economic and social realities of trans* folks of color.

TODR - Why I'm Pissed

Yesterday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance. Most every person who reads this will be aware of the TODR and written about it or read something powerful about it. I have always had a link to the Remembering Our Dead site because it's that damn important to me.

I'm angry because we are still being killed. I am angry that our murders don't get solved. I am angry that the G the L and the B pay token attention to our issues.

But that's not why I'm PISSED. I'm PISSED because our lives are still erased by the media. Our names are written "IN QUOTES" like a nickname. We are "gay men" who "dressed as women". Our lives, our humanity, our identity is constantly questioned by cis-sexual society to the point we get no relief even in death. When we are murdered, we are somehow partly to blame.

The men who "admire" us are oddly absent at a TDOR. Our lives are only as valuable as their next orgasm. We are only allowed to be the sexy silly dolls of their little fantasy land. When the lights come on and their dreams are over, they are absent, silent, afraid.

At the end of the last TDOR I spoke to a couple friends about safety. I found out that the number of Trans*women I personally know who have been assaulted sexually is 100%. Yup ALL of us every age, every occupation, every socio-economic class. Most of us have been hit or threatened with violence by an intimate partner. Half of us have had our status as Trans* used as ammunition to coerce us into staying in a relationship, or not reporting violence.

I want to have an answer, and mostly I'm pissed that I don't.

Awesome blog Repost

http://questioningtransphobia.wordpress.com/2008/09/30/transphobic-tropes-5-the-man-in-a-dressstealthy-deceiver-double-bind

The link above is to a post by queenemily posted on Questioning Transphobia. In it she clearly points out the double bind that I face almost daily, particularly when dealing with dating. Guys who have seen my pictures online have
"complimented" me by telling me that I "could have fooled them (into thinking I was bio-female)". Guys who have decided to stop seeing me have pointed out, inflated, and used any perceived "male" features, interests, behaviors or opinions to question my validity as both a woman and partner. It bears mentioning that these same guys are taken by how well I "pass" until they get tired of their walk on the wild side - then my status becomes both insult and insurance that they aren't being jerks

It's NOT about the Damn Dress

Why do RadFem discussions regarding Trans*women INSIST on talking about "gendered behaviors"? I'm reading the MWMF board and following a thread about "Gender as Social Construct". Feel free to visit, but it pisses me off to read it, so I wouldn't actually want to direct anyone there.

In that topic, we are treated to first a pretty classic definition of Gender vs. Sex, and then m Andrea - BLAMES Trans* for developing and using the idea of constructed gender as a means to validate transitioning. WTF! It was you friendly neighborhood RadFem who throws around that stuff to INVALIDATE transitioning.

It further goes on to talk about how in Feminist utopia where boys can play with dolls and girls can wear blue there would be no need for teh tranz because we would be loved and comforted with who we are and love and be comfortable with our bodies and our social roles.

Here is a fragging news flash! Dolls suck! Dresses are pretty shitty things to wear! pink is ugly (and sooo washes out my skin)! In short, as an adult operating as a man I had the agency to wear pink if I liked, to play with dolls, to slip into a skirt, to partake in the affectations associated with women. I did and I didn't as I pleased. I lived in the post-gender utopia as much as I could and it WASN'T CORRECT.

When a Trans* woman says she "always felt like a girl" take her on that, don't add "because I liked Barbie". If a Trans*woman says "I connected with and related to women more" let your brain stop there, don't read any desire for makeup tips or fashion advice.

If I never wear a dress again, I think I'll live.

My golly it's been some time

OK, so I'm totally at lunch at the new job. Yeah that's right a new job.... gooooo me! Thank the Gods for my friends. After far too long looking for work, I was able to get a super job at a great company. In traditional "friend of a friend need someone" styles, my pal called me and gave me a tip to an old co-worker who was looking for someone.

I was in training for the past week, so today is the start of the actual job - woo! The commute sucks ass (about 2 hours each way) but the office is, oddly, worth it. It's a smallish company, so everyone kinda knows everyone. The management is available, the benefits and pay are fair (OK who am I kidding, I pinched myself when I heard what my starting wage would be).

I'll be writing for the company, trying to strengthen their web community, and looking at customer service issues from a customer/client's perspective. So, it's a little bit bloggin', a little bit marketing, a little bit customer service, a little bit rock n' roll. Also, there is a nice level of vagueness as to what I'm actually supposed to do that would drive more anal-retentive people crazy. My job is kinda undefined, new, dynamic, and open to change - much like I am *wink*.

I hope that after the actual adjustment happens, and I get into some sort of routine, I will post more.. I mean tons of stuff going on that I have been wanting to talk about. Angie Zapata's murder trial has some news, Sarah Palin is making me cry (not why you may think), and dates are still going crappy for us and our friends.

Busy Gals - and a random thought

Both of us are in the middle of some job hunting, so we haven't been keeping this place as active as we planned. Wish us some collective luck.

Random thought that happened while writing this. A trans*woman is treated as a woman unless she gets read as trans. Then she becomes a REALLY gay man. If she has a history of attraction to men, that becomes the familliar combination of sexism and homophobia. If a Trans*woman is attracted to women, she is treated as a woman (sexism) and a lesbian (homo/lesbophobia), but if she is read as trans, then she ALSO becomes a REALLY gay man. It seems that my lesbian/bi trans-sisters have a complimentary double-dip in the icecream parlour of social stigma.

TransMen and Lesbian space

By now it shouldn't be a surprise that I follow some discussions online regarding Women's Space and Trans* inclusion. Mostly at this point as an observer, since in many of those spaces my voice isn't particularly welcome and well.. I know when to shut up.

One thing that keeps comming up is F2M inclusion in women's and specifically Lesbian spaces/events. My first reaction is a rather plain.. "What The...??!!" I mean these are guys, dudes, teh menz, boys, fellas. Why would they be invited to participate or even feel welcome to be involved in "Women's Spaces"?

I'll start off stating that my interactions with Trans*men is mostly from within the gay male community. Gay guys who were born female-bodied. These guys are not involved with, nor particularly want to participate in, women's space. They also never had a Lesbian identity. The few guys I know who transitioned from lesbian-identified women to men also left the Lesbian community for the greater GLBT.

I was surprised to hear and read about men assuming a place within women's space. When I heard their reasonings as "I don't feel 'totally male'" it suddenly makes some messages from Feminists click in my head. It Trans* guys don't feel "totally male" then Trans* women must not feel "totally female". Thus, Trans*women aren't "real" women - a boy in a dress.

So I sit on these feelings. I read from Trans Men and I try to process. It is simply too convenient to shovel all the anti-trans sentiment among some Feminist communities onto the guys. "If those pesky boys would just move out, there would be space for me."

If someone who identifies as Lesbian, has a partner, feels the need to transition, keeps the relationship with the female partner - that really complicates stuff. Particularly if the partner strongly self-identifies as Lesbian. Her identity surely should not be compromised by her partner's need to transition. So, in a way the TransMan isn't "totally male" since a "totally male" person in a relationship is never in a Lesbian relationship.

There is also the notion of community and laving a place of comfort and safety. By virtue of need, Feminists and particularly Lesbians have built a community. Started businesses, support groups, publishing houses, networks. This is hard to leave. Despite the recommendations of places like The Clarke Institute and other Gender Gatekeepers, leaving friends and relationships simply because one transitions can't be healthy. It should be difficult for someone who "came out" to a supporting community and developed an identity to up and leave.

I'd like there to be an answer. But so far, I really see all sorts of angles. Ultimately, I think Trans*Men should self-select out of Lesbian and Women's spaces, just as Trans*Women should be able to self-select in. Then again, I could just be having a PostModern Dream.

More Gender Discussion

As stated earlier, for some reason my awareness was always directed towards females in a way that was not true for my brothers. Men were "other" and while I received conditioning and socialization as a male, I also watched and learned and internalized female socialization.

Socialization that I sometimes needed Feminism to disect and process and ultimately try to change. As an adult, I found I had given myself very little agency in my life. Saying "no" was hard, particularly with men. Determining my own sexual and romantic needs and desires was (and still is) often impossible. Putting my needs before another's is still second nature.

In adulthood, my housemates were always women, mostly Lesbian women and always Feminists. We were all very politically active centering on GLBT, Women's, and Anti-Racist issues. I bring this up to offer another example of that *something* that understanding, that thing that hasn't a name yet. I GOT sexism, I saw it, I understood it, I could feel it. It was that way that boys and men acted that made me feel like I didn't belong. It was those comments they made and the way they looked at women that made me uncomfortable. It wasn't a political theory, or a social critique - it was the name of a very real part of my internal conflict.

This was in marked contrast with how I came to understand race and class issues. Comming from a place of relative privelege, I wasn't aware of how I contributed to raceism or classism. Thankfully I usually had the sense to shut up and listen when POCs would talk about Race. I accepted what they said as, at the very least, their truth. However there was a probably common period where I just really didn't "get it". I had to unlearn and examine myself in light of race and class opression.

I'm not saying I didn't have male privelege or use it. I'm also not saying that I had a childhood like a girl has a childhood. What I am saying it I saw my childhood and processed all the information I was given in a way that made "woman" the normal and "man" the other thing that wasn't safe and wasn't particularly important (except for being cute). Unlike my Raceism, which was the invisible unseen unchallenged "way things are".

My use of race and raceism isn't intended to compare opressions. Rather, I hope to show how a Trans* identity can filter social messages by using an example of social messages about race/class that were (unfortunately) more traditionally filtered and processed and challenged.

I have no idea if other Trans* people have anything like this. I am simply stating how I understand my childhood.

A Little Fib

I was talking on yahoo Im with a friend a couple days ago. He insisted that I must have scores of guys in my daily life hitting on me. I told him that I was pretty painfully oblivious to that sort of thing.

This was not true.

I am aware of the not-so-subtle subtle ways guys try to get attention from the women they meet. The truth of the matter is, I flatly ignore it. Not because I'm vain or anything like that. It is simply safer that way. While I may be openly Trans, I'm also not wearing a sign. If it comes up, it comes up. I prefer organic disclosure.

The thing is, the revelation of my Trans status has one of two results in my history. 1) Someone who minutes ago was handing me his phone number or awkwardly asking me for coffee suddenly feels deceived and within his rights to be insulting, demeaning, or downright violent. 2) They get a really creepy look in their eyes as all the fantasy images of a "Chick with a Dick" play out in their heads.

I have been assulted in a bar, threatened outside my apartment, "outed" to everyone within shouting distance, and stalked. I simply don't want to test those waters any more. It's one of those priveliges that my non-trans sisters have - the ability to have a relationship form mutual interests, attraction, communication, and happenstance.

It isn't like I hide the fact that I'm trans. Everyone close to me knows. If there is an issue or a snyde comment made about trans*people, I speak up. I'm comfortable being "out there" - on MY terms. Having a suitor who isn't up to speed from the start potentially removes MY control over MY environment, thus infringing on MY safety.

It stinks because there is this cute and quiet guy at work who keeps giving me these shy little smiles. He "happened" to have gotten an extra coffee from Starbucks that just "happened" to be one of my favorite flavors and gave it to me. So I go through my day pointedly ignoring his rather charming little self (and some others as well). The double-stuff of the suck is... well.. I GET how he feels. I've been there, I *could* be the cool gal who sees this and appreciates him. Instead, my own hard-won fear and dread of that look that happens when the guy isn't expecting the big (or not so big *laf*) news.

Dating..the other Privilege

There are lots and lots of discussions around Blogdonia discussion various privileges that cis (non-trans) people have. Things that are so often taken for granted like having all of one's documentation match, being able to travel without being flagged as a potential terrorist, being able to get timely medical care (Tyra Hunter).. and on and on.. All very important issues. Critical issues in every case.

However, one thing that gets overlooked is forming relationships. Cis folks have the luxury of forming organic relationships. They can meet someone at work or a party, hit it off, exchange numbers and go out. This is becomming so painfully clear to me because I'm single

Friendly Blog Promotion

A cool friend of mine started his own blog:

http://www.hotoffthevine.blogspot.com/

He's a really swell, funny, creative, charming, groovy kinda guy. He has even promised to actually show up for a date if I ever find myself in LA !!!

Discussing Gender

I want to discuss gender. I want to discuss this from a place of questioning and experience, rather than a place of opression and theory. While both theory and opression are important to the discussion of gender, too often gendered experiences are dismissed (particularly when he experience comes from a trans* person).

One thing I'd like to talk about are some of my earliest understandings. It is important to understand how children learn about the world. Children learn through instruction, but mostly it is through observation. Most children will pay close attention to adults who closely match their sex. Boy children will learn how to be a man by watching the men in their life - thus you have generational abusers who may have been instructed not to hit women, but observed men hitting women.

As far back as I can remember, my observations have always been of the women in my life. The men were simply not that important or interesting. If a book, movie or TV show didn't have a compelling female character, I was not interested. I watched and learned how to be an adult by watching my mother, grandmothers, aunts, and to a lesser extent televison (good thing mom was a pretty right-on woman, because the tv women back in the day were often pretty poor role models).

I was aware of inequality in the work my mother performed (she was a stay-at-home parent) and my father (construction). Unequal as far as how their individual contributions were regarded. I was, and have always been, very aware of sexist comments, because those comments didn't reflect ME or the women I knew - not because "mamma raised me right" (although she didn't do a bad job either).

When I say "I always knew I was a girl". I am NOT saying "I liked to play with dolls" or "I wore momma's heals when she wasn't looking." What I am saying is for SOME reason, I took all my social cues from the women around me, even when cues by males were equally available. MEN were the "other" in my life as a child before elementary school. I had a close relationship with my father until I came out (first as gay, then trans) so it isn't like we had a strained relationship, or he was absent from my life. I just didn't relate to him as a model for who I was to become as an adult.

I'd like to take and expand on this from time to time, because I think there really is SOMETHING to gender. Part of the problem with discussing Trans issues is a shared understanding of gender, but no convenient language to talk about it.

I got to Thinking

I read Questioning Transphobia regularly. I have to say Lisa Harney is one of my idols, along with RiftGirl they were the unwitting kick in the pants I needed to start this little blog (along with other groovy friends who told both of us we needed to talk less and write more).

Anyway, a recent shit storm on the F Word blog is documented and commented on QT.

http://questioningtransphobia.wordpress.com/

This reminded me of some conversations I have had with long time Lesbian Feminist friends of mine. A few things keep comming up when talking with my friends and also talking with RadFems on the Internt that I would like to discuss.

1) You can be a "different kind of man (woman)".

This assumes I didn't actually TRY that - for YEARS.. and YEARS.

2) "I wasn't comfortable being a 'girl' growing up, but through soul-searching and really processing my feelings and society's demands on women I was able to be comfortable as a butch lesbian who loves her female body."

This one REALLY stinks. It stinks to the highest heaven. It centers a Trans* person's life on the cis-gendered person's experience of comming to terms with their own non-conforming gender expression. It further claims that what's good enough for them is good enough for me. It assumes, again, that I didn't Try that for YEARS..and YEARS.

3) "In MY world there would be no gender, so no need to transition. Everyone could dress and act the way they pleased."

Awesome.. I wanna live there too. Except.. well, I would still be transitioning. See it isn't about clothes, or hair, or shaving, or makeup. I did all that yummy goodness as a BIG OLE SISSY boy. The thing is - I UNDERSTOOD myself, from as early as I can remember, as being a girl. There is nothing more to say because there isn't language to express it. The affectations of "feminity" are just that - props to be used or discarded at my whim. The UNDERSTANDING is not the same as a desire to put on mum's shoes.

4) "There is so much pressure to transition. It's like if you don't feel enough like a guy or a gal you should transition."

My assumption from this is the pressure is comming from within the Trans* community. I haven't seen it. Quite the opposite actually. When I was first seriously questioning transition every Trans*woman I met was quick to point out that being a Drag Queen, or a Cross Dresser, or a sissy guy was valid and perfectly OK.

If the pressure is supposed to be somming from society - WHAT??!! Let me say without hesitation - me being seen as a shy sissified gay boy was so much easier than being seen as Trans. Night and day - seriously.

Also, the underlying theme here is that transitioning is somehow easier than being non-conforming to one's birth sex. That Trans* folks are taking the path of least resistance. Again I'll say from where I sit, it was a hell of alot easier to be a fey man than a tranny.

Reality Trannies Update

From the evah lovely RiftGirl Blog:

http://beingt.blogspot.com/2008/08/ian-drew-is-not-ass-methinks-now.html

She spoke with Ian Drew from US Weekly and had, what seems, a very swell conversation. That Rifty.. such a great gal!!!

Reality Trannies!

If you haven't heard, we are going to have a couple Trans women on reality TV. Now, this isn't exactly new as there have been a few scattered about here and there - particularly in the UK.

I'm talking about the coming season of "America's Next Top Model" featuring Isis. She's the first trans contestant on the show ad already there has been some controversy. It seems that Fox News' Gregg Jarrett and US Weekly's Editor-at-Large, Ian Drew had a few "choice" and inappropriate comments to make Isis and her exclusive interview with US Weekly.

From GLADD's website complete with video:

http://glaadorg.nexcess.net/cinequeer/2008/08/offensive-fox-news-segment-on.html

The other show is currently showing on VH1. "Work for Diddy" is like the "Apprentice", but for Sean "Puffy" Combs. Laverne Cox, who was also involved in the Trans* Docu-series "Being T", is in the running to be Mr Combs' new personal assistant.

Personally, I'm pretty hot and cold about reality TV. I either get REALLY into a show (Project Runway) or I have no time for it (most of the rest). While I hope both of them do well, I'm really rooting for Ms Cox. There is something about making it as the personal assistant to one of the most dynamic and powerful men in any industry. Mr. Combs also has a VERY positive relationship with GLBTQs. He has never had a negative thing to say about gays (unlike the majority of his Hip Hop pals), no nasty lyrics, no slurs, nuffin! He also hires and give important powerful positions to openly queer people. Winning this could send a powerful message to trans* women, particularly trans women of color, who are disproportionately represented in sex work and targets of violence.

Not to be dismissive about ANTM, but.... well .... I remember YEARS ago reading about the number of "men" who did runway and print modeling as women. There is something very tranny about the body-type of models: small breasts, narrow hips, tall, long arms. I stopped counting the number of Trans women in my circle of friends who work or have worked in that industry. Even one of the rioTgirls was briefly a model.

Like I said, both of these women have the ability to be a positive role model. Both of these women are of color. Both of these women are strong and smart and bring lots to the table. I just think being Diddy's assistant would be a HUGE win for trans women. Also, let's face it, it would be a freaking DREAM for Laverne Cox to win - that would be some serious resume padding!!!

Goodnight Sweet Prince

I know I'm late. I have this pesky aversion to jumping on bandwagons. I only recently started to read Harry Potter for example. So, back in tha day when EVERYONE was reading Neil Gaiman's "Sandman" I avoided it like the plague, and read all my "Captain Carrot and the Amazing Zoo Crew" books. OK, not really, but I sure as heck wasn't reading that Sandman - no matter how much people said they loved it, or how much those "insiders" said it was redefining the industry. Nope, not me.

I finally broke down some months ago and picked up the first trade graphic novel thingy and promptly kicked myself in the ass. Why did I wait YEARS to read this sublime exploration of universal archtypes? Now I'm at the end, I have completed "The Wake" and it's done.. no more.. and I am satisfied.

The last couple story arc's weren't quite as good as the first, but still some of the best I have ever read. I mean, how can one top the Diner Scene will Dr John Dee (Dr Destiny). That was some mind-twisting deeply troubling stuff there. Or the sympathetic and heroic Wanda - the NY Tranny.

Gaiman wrote about the misfits, the marganilized, the troubled. He evoked a world where dream and reality interconnected and I was never quite sure which was what. The use of different artists gave each story a distinct feeling and furthered the feeling of a disjointed yet connected landscape.

Actually, I'm glad I waited to read this. I don't think I could have been patient enough to wait monthly for the issues. This way I got to enjoy them the way I would have a novel.

Now.. I just have to ponder what my next set of missed gems will be.

Ask Tranny

This is from a man I had been talking to about transitioning.

i like the way you answer..honest and nonjudgmental...so here is where my confusion comes in....in my younger days... and i don't know how it happened i seemed to have gotten involved in a gay group as a straight male...now there were guys that dressed as women...there were guys that dressed as bikers and others dressed in suits...all in all they seemed to be as screwed up as the rest of the world...except the had sex with other guys...so here i am again a straight guy and all i see is a group of people that have had their their bodies altered...and as far as i can see dress as women...and except themselves as women....and this group is also as screwed up as the rest of the world....
but i am left wondering....if you made the transition to look like a woman
.............................................if you see yourselves as women
then why keep the penis?

Why keep the penis?? Why indeed... the answers, again, will vary from woman (with penis) to woman. The easy reason is, the surgery is REALLY expensive, and in the US is not covered by most insurance.. so economics play a huge part in this decision. In my case, I had facial feminizing surgery WAY before I'll have a Dr touch my crotch simply because more people see my face.

The other reason I don't think I'll have the operation is because I just don't care about my penis one way or the other. I don't use it sexually but don't have a burning hatred for it either. It's just some bits in the front.

Still other women deeply enjoy orgasms.. and genital surgery carries a large risk of removing the ability to orgasm - sometimes permanently. So while the motivation to transition is largely not sexual in nature, a compelling reason not to alter the penis is that orgasms feel nice.

Yet other women, who identify themselves a fully female, enjoy having a penis. Their "mind" is female (not sissy gay man) but their sexual enjoyment is "male" (that is penis-focused). These would be girls who like or prefer to Top.

And still there are those who don't neatly fit any sort of classification. It is REALLY important to understand that physical sex (what's going on between the legs) and gender identity are not the same thing. For most people without a trans identity crisis (or who haven't had one) it is hard to make the distinction, partly because there are so many "shades of grey" (Butch women, sissy men, hetero guys who are nurturing and sensitive..etc.). For a person with a Trans* identity it is often a case where the mind has an image of the body that is SEXually different from the way the body developed.

The existence of a penis or breasts or any other secondary sex-characteristic does not preclude any gender identity.

Funk

Boy have I been in a funk lately. With the news about my friend, my complete lack of a social life, job stuffs, then the last few rather troubling articles we wrote - damn I just can't seem to get excited/happy/not bummed out. It's a pretty rare feeling for me - I'm generally pretty up tempo and chipper (if a bit cranky).

So.. I'll relate a little sumpin that recently happened that gave me a little bit of a smile. I went to the local super-duper-mega market to get some stuff. Being both careless and eco-friendly (in that order I'm sure) I walked the 10 or so blocks to the store. About half way there I had this gripping urge to tinkle. I picked up the pace and scooted to the store. Thankfully surprised to find an open stall in the women's room, I jumped in.

I came out and washed my hands. When I noticed two women giving me a less than complimentary look. Steeling myself for some comment or challenge I met their gazes. The older of the women stifled a giggle (great someone laughing at a tranny). Then she pointed out that I had tucked my skirt inside my panties with a shared mirth of something every woman has done in her life.

Being one to (over) process things. I spent my time getting some fixin's for burritos and thinking. Thinking about how sometimes we create our own conflicts. How in my desire to be accepted on my own merits (not as "trans" not as "woman") can sometimes make me see things in ways that are not how they are intended. And how, ultimately, everyone needs a moment to laugh at the stupid shit.

This unknown woman in a super market bathroom, kindly and jokingly pointing out that was showing my ass was the exact thing I needed to bust down a self-created wall I was starting to build. While keeping in mind that bad shit happens to all kinds of people, and particularly lately trans women, I can't let that limit me or sour me.

13 Years Ago - Tyra Hunter

http://transgriot.blogspot.com/2007/08/trya-hunter-anniversary.html

For those who don't want to read the linked article from Monica Roberts, yesterday marked the 12 anniversary of the death of Tyra Hunter. Unlike the death of Angie Zapata reported earlier this month, Ms Hunter's death was not due to the actions of one man, but rather the INACTION of a group of people.

Ms Hunter was a transwoman of color in Washington DC who was involved as a passenger in a auto accident. When the emergency responders arrived and removed Tyra and the driver it was discovered that Ms Hunter was, in fact a Transwoman. Rather than giving her emergency care that her wounds needed, one Adrian Williams proceeded to make comments about Ms Hunter's sex and race "This bitch ain't no girl...It's a nigger, he got a dick."

Mr Williams stopped working to joke about the semi-aware Hunter rather than provide the emergency care required. It wasn't until the gathering crowed urged him to take action that any attempt was made to save her life. But this wasn't the end of Ms Hunter's abuse. A doctor at DC General *REFUSED* - yes R E F U S E D to treat her. She died 13 years ago yesterday.


Again we see someone referring to a transgendered person as "it" a pronoun reserved for objects. Farmers, even, refer to cattle by their sex and they PLAN on killing them. By making transpeople "it"s they can comfortably deny our humanity and our dignity. They can absolve themselves of any and all abuses - and society allows them.

One final note - Mr Williams was eventually promoted on his job as an emergency caregiver.

ANGIE ZAPATA.

So I have taken some time to sit with this and to do some research. Everything we know comes from the murderer, and I frankly don't believe much of his story. He has every reason to make stuff up to paint himself as a victim in some sort of twisted version of victimization.

First he and Angie meet online and go on a date. She picks him up and they eventually go back to her place and have sex. According to him, she doesn't get naked and won't allow him to touch her sexually while she performs oral sex on him. The next day she leaves and he is alone in her apartment where he finds some photos that cause him to question her sex. He confronts her and she says "I am all woman". Then he grabs her crotch and feels a penis and murder happens. THEN he grabs her keys and purse and flees. There is some question about the location of her purse (I think some questions about the use of Angie's sister's credit card that tie into the case).

Now - lets assume he is telling the truth. He still sexually assaulted Angie when he grabbed her crotch. At what point is it OK to grab someone there AFTER they specifically told you NO the previous night? Past sexual intimacy does NOT give one any rights to access to an other's body.

If Angie WAS in the habit of fooling guys, then she would not have any questionable photos where her "dupe" could find them. Much less leave him alone in her place where he could go looking for them.

My own thoughts on this are that he knew full well she was trans. Every pre/non op gal I know is going to tell their status before being sexually active. For the very reasons this article is being written - we get KILLED! There is also the issue of the photos. A stealth gal isn't going to have them about. A gal trying to deceive someone isn't going to have them out.

What I'm trying to puzzle out is if he violently freaked out after the act, or if this was planned.

This is Serious

http://abcnews.go.com/US/comments?type=story&id=5487781

RIP ANGIE ZAPATA.

I'll have more on this later, right now, I'm freaking out about this whole thing! The death, the current victem blame going on, the seeming willingness to believe the murderer's story fully...

My god!! What I want to do right now is have a cry, and wish there was something I could do to help this young woman's family.

Ideas

I've had a couple ideas floating around in my head for some time. I have been talking to some friends who are beginning to transition and having some trouble. Specifically, in finding clothes and surgical options. My ideas are thus...

1) An online store that sells clothes to M2Fs and Crossdressers that aren't only fantasy/fetish wear. The thing is, many Trans*women have hard-to-fit bodies and some cuts and styles are going to be more flattering to us. Case in point - hands. There is no way to modify one's hands, and there are different proportions between a typical "male" hand and a "female" hand. So, longer cuffs on the sleeve or even ones that flare out would help camouflage this.

I think it would be cool to have a place that sells clothes in sizes and styles in one spot rather than hunting stores or websites.

2) A kinda international Tranny Consumer Reports for surgical options. Hanging out on various TG support sites, one is bound to run across adds for feminizing surgery or even SRS. They all clam to perform miracles with before and after shots to prove it (sometimes the same photos on different sites). I also know from my own research that some doctors are better at some surgeries than others. Something so very expensive and important as surgeries to allow us to live our lives (more or less) safely should be open to independent reviews so the economically savvy Tranny can get her stuff done by the most able surgeon she can afford.

Any thoughts??

Changing the Subject..

Back to the same old subject. I was thinking about guys who dig transwomen and date us. How they so often won't even show up for a date - guys don't believe me when I say it, but MY GOD if I had $5 for every time I had to eat or see a movie alone, I'd be paying for someone elses' feminizing surgeries - I'd be THAT frikkin rich!.

Guys who are attracted to TGs, and have the guts to actually contact us are special folks. Unfortunately, they know this. They know that the pool of guys is pretty small. While porn may be the name of the game these days, and trans porn is pretty popular, the guys who are looking at it are largely never going to act on it. I have made a couple observations.

1) The guys know better than to call us "he". But, they almost say "she" like they are in on some private joke. Like there is an almost invisible wink and nudge.

2) They feel entitled to behave poorly, because .. well they FEEL special. Like they are our only chance at a date or sex or a relationship. This gives them some sort of subconscious OK to expect that we will simply take rude, poor, violent, insulting behavior and smile and still feel special because they have stooped low enough to give us a little time.

Obviously, if you are reading this blog and are a male you very likely don't fit these observations. It is also very likely that neither of us have dated you ;).

"Things" Update Pt 2

Everyone is home and doing well. C's fella had been away on a job site out of town and he came back as soon as he heard what happened. So.. maybe I can say that someone I know has a decent guy. He's been by her side since he got back and is using some vacation time to remain with her.

She still isn't pressing charges. After some thought, I probably wouldn't either given her situation. That was a sobering thought, but realistic just the same. It isn't fair because she had to choose between different types of safety. No person should have to choose something like that.

I want to end this post on a happy note. C visits the blog (and needs to frakkin comment sometime) and she is overwhelmed with the messages and emails I have received. She sends her thanks and an e-hug. Now we just need to get her to do it herself (grumbles about techno-impared trannies).

"Things" Update

I got off the phone with Amanda. The rapist was our friend's ex (I'll call her "C") and her current is still MIA. She will not be pressing charges. Her reasons being that she is "stealth" and has a history of sex work. The media and law are hardly friendly to either Trans* women or ex-sex workers. She would rather avoid any potential attention to herself than she has to. Also, her father is a pastor in a nearby church, and she doesn't want to shame him.

The officers at the hospital talked with C's neighbor when she was admitted. After a while the doctor came out and spoke to the police (and probably disclosed C's status). After this point I understand the officer's tone changed. They went from being concerned to being rather aloof with the neighbor. Amanda tells me that part of C's decision not to press charges was the questioning by the officers when she woke up.

** Here is where I'm going to interject**

First of all, if I had the bastard's picture his face would be plastered all over this blog and mailed to everyone I know. How is it that she doesn't want to press charges?? I understand the reasons, and I support her decision - but I don't like it at all!!! Rape is statistically the least reported crime, more so if the survivor is Gay or Trans*. This sends a message to the rapist that we are easy targets - they can violate us with no repercussions. particularly in the case with SO abuse, they are creeps who already feel that we are obligated to protect them based on our relationship with them (past or present).

As far as bringing shame on the family... that's hard. I understand this also. Especially if the relationship with the family is strained. But... Uah! I'm just too angry to type.

Just when things were looking good

I just got off the phone with my friend Amanda. Her ex room mate and best friend (and friend of mine) is in the hospital. I'll leave out names because I don't know if she would appreciate this post. She was taken to the hospital early Sat morning by her neighbor - she was raped... she was probably raped by either her ex or her current boyfriend (I guess both have gone missing).

Without getting graphic, her jaw is bruised and fractured, she has a gash on the back of her head, and bruising on her legs and arms. Her anus was bleeding when she was admitted. The most startling thing from the sound of Amanda's voice when she told me is the severe bruising of her breasts. Amanda described that it looked like the guy used her breasts to keep her in submission. I didn't ask for more details, and frankly don't need any more.

This news has hit me like a hammer. I think I'm calling off the whole looking for "Mr Right" because I don't think he is real. When will I hear that a friend of mine is with some great guy? Some guy who doesn't try to control her or hit her? Some guy who considers it cheating to screw around on his T-girl friend.

Current Video Game Fave..

OK OK, it isn't new or anything like that, but it is still in my XBox 360 on heavy rotation. Dead Rising is just a lovely gem of a game combining two things this gal loves. Namely, killing zombies and shopping all in a delightfully bloody, creative, and ultimately frightening way.

It's no secret amongst my friends that zombies scare the heck out of me. I have an evacuation plan that involves an off shore oil rig and everything in the event of a Zombie outbreak. Zombies seriously freak me out!! that's probably why I'm still playing this pesky game (and haven't finished it yet). I get so scared, I end up panicking and losing my cool, and become zombie-chow.

One delightful aspect of the game is the outfits. That's right, between killing zombie hordes you get to try on clothes! Even a cute little sundress for our cross dressing gaymerz. You play a big burly guy (the kind these rioTgirls LOVE to LOVE) so watching his wield a chainsaw in a dress provides hours of fun for the whole family - until I remember I'm against zombies and lose my shit.

The Mysterious Missing Date

I was online chatting with a bunch of my Trans* friends that other evening. We are a group of gals from literally all over the world, but mainly the US/Canada and the UK - but with gals from Mexico, Japan, Australia, on and on..

What prompted this discussion was the missing date of one of our number. Our friend "J" had gotten all dressed up to meet a guy who had literally HOUNDED her a month - daily - to go out with him. On the fateful night of the date, he was MIA. The surprising thing to me was how NOT surprised any of us were. Not a one. We were comforting, and ego-boosting, and well friends. But we weren't shocked.

Each and every one of us all over the world with the exception of three gals (2 transitioned and maintained a relationship, one works as an escort/porn star) had well over a 50% no-show rate on dates this summer. It is so common that we are frakkin' SURPRISED when a guy manages to show up - THAT becomes news. ALL of us make alternate plans, make sure we have money to cover our dinner (even if the guy promised it would be his treat), and the thing that surprised me, I'm not the only one who carries a book in her purse to have something to do waiting for dude to show up. Actually, "dude" is a poor choice of words, because it really isn't better for my trans-Lesbian friends either.

I get it that being stood up isn't a "trans" thing, or even a "woman" thing. Thing is, I don't know any other group with such an abysmal rate of no-shows as tranny-chasers or chaser wannabes. When called out and being honest (not making some lame excuse) it's always "you don't know how frightening this is" or some such.. or guys making the excuse that it "takes time/courage". I'm a sensitive gal, I try to understand. My patience and understanding is running thin because it's so damn ...common. Like it's part of the Tranny Datng Game, and fooking EXPECTED.

My friends and I have begun exchanging names/online handles for guys who stand us up. These guys are on a list - no tranny-lovin' for joo!!!

Dark Knight

I went with my partner and a good friend to see Dark Knight last evening. Nothing really amazing during the film. I loved it, but loved the trailer for Watchmen more. My only complaint during DK was Chriasian Bale's voice. When he is Batman, he talks in a more husky voice. The issue is Mr Bale has a bit of a lisp - cute as Bruce Wayne (of if he decided to call me and ask me out) but with the near whisper as Batman, it became difficult to understand him some times.

Heath Ledger (RIP) was great as a truely disturbing Joker. Every look and gesture was on the mark as far as I could see. From smoothing his hair, to the way he licked his lips combined with the dialogue to make the character more menacing and oddly more human.

Not much in the way of plot twists or surprises. Each plot and sub plot had the expected resolution. The gem was character development for me, mostly regarding the supporting characters.

Good Help is Hard to Find

I feel truly lucky that I found my Therapist. I went to her for a host of non-trans stuff (that ended up being HIGHLY trans-related stuff) like body-image, self-esteem, and an almost debilitating anxiety. She has been most helpful in my transition mainly because her primary focus isn't transitioning.

Her focus is on getting her clients in a position where they are most comfortable with their own body. If that means diet, or refraiming how we look at a specific body part, or looking at the ways we are made to feel imperfect, or making surgical changes. She has and had clients with GID/GD so it isn't like she is unfamiliar with the issues.

My therapist has helped me to start to love the body I currently posses, so that I can love the body I posses regardless of what changes I opt for the future. No pressure to do anything or OT to do anything. It was her help that allowed me my most helpful epiphany...

I don't HAVE to change anything. I only need to change things I want to change. My friends and family all to one degree or another know I'm trans, they accept this as fact and aren't dependant on visual cues to affirm my gender.

Some days I get so bogged down with transitioning - the costs (both emotional and economic) and how I'm going to do what "needs" done. But really, I am lucky - I have love and respect and understanding just because!

Dirty Pool

http://dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com/2008/07/mtf-mtws-and-their-perpetual-male.html

dirt is at it again:

Something that needs far more serious attention is the Mt"w"'s perpetual need to shove their "cocks" in womens spaces. And it makes absolutely no difference to them (Mt"w"s) whether that cock is a healthy functioning cock or a largely, or should I say tiny non functioning cock mutilated by the ME.

I'm curious how the assessment of various body parts to determining legitimacy for womanhood would be taken by dirt if the woman in question was cis? "She ain't no real chick, her tits are too small."

This is an issue that regardless of when the ME realizes its harmful "treatment" of trannyism, will not go away. This is an issue of male privilege plain and simple. Whether men suffering from a major mental disorder or the average Joe in the street, 30+ years after feminism and men STILL rightfully believe they should have access to every space on the planet, and under current patriarchal regimes they do!

Firstly, operating on the assumption that GID is a purely mental/emotional "disorder" I don't see any qualifications (aside from opinion and having a huge hate-on for trannies) for an informed critique of the treatment of GD/GID. I don't want to get into the whole biological aspect of this, but we all know that many things that were considered purely psychological "disorders" have been found to have physical causes.


But strictly speaking of the trannyism male privileged realm, these men disordered though they may be do not, will not and cannot relinquish the male privilege with which they were ALL born and raised! And really who can blame them even if this was something (which it is not btw) they could logically choose to disown?

People of color don't actually suffer from racism, I know this because white people told me so. How the hell can she make any sort of statement as to the way transitioned women experience power dynamics? I know, by erasing and denying the lived experiences of transwomen. If Transwomen benefited from male privilege then why are so many of us unemployed or under employed? Why are so many of us attacked and killed? Why are so many of us limited in the resources we may need as a result of being poor and physically assaulted? It would be nice to get some of the perks that comes with male privilege.

There are two issues that go hand in glove here; one being disorder males using their male privielge to insert themselves into women only spaces, they other more important issue being the women conditioned to allow it! It is the glove here that will remain the problem long after trannyism has been dismantled and no longer exists!

Women understanding, or trying to understand the position of Trans*women are somehow not smart enough to get past "conditioning"? What an elitist load of crap. It should be noted that this was in response to someone ASKING about a woman-born-woman policy of a website, and the site admin taking suggestions about the issue. If curiosity is the same as "males using their male privilege to insert.." then I guess mayby life DOES being with "hey ya wanna?"

Which is why women today need to wake up, assert their unique female strengths and womanhood and protect what is inherently theirs while there is still time and woman spaces left to protect!

I just want to know if this is the constructionist dirt posting or the essentialist dirt posting this,. She does love to contradict herself and be intellectually dishonest in her arguments.

Legion Hotties

I'm reading the latest reboot of the good old Legion of Super Heroes (LSH). Back in the day this was the book that got me reading comics. Because of this title, my main focus has always been on team titles like the X-Men, Justice League, Avengers etc.

Forming in the proto-erotic world of a young rioTgirl were images of Cosmic Boy, Timber Wolf, and Ultra Boy.. throw in a little Mon-El and you have a something that will probably make me faint.

T-Geekyness

Lately we have been posting stuff about Feminism, and dating, and transitioning. But, like most people we are so much more. I'd like to do a non-trans article about the men in comic books that make me all swooney...

Power Boy - Creepy SuperGirl stalker that he was, and parody of the gratuitously busty Power Girl aside. He was HAWT!!! Pictured top center this was the last appearance of the dreamy Power Boy before he was killed... sad sad day indeed.

I Pass

Lately, the fact that I an and do pass as a woman within my age-group has become a dating nightmare. Now, I don't want this to come off as a "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" type of post. Seriously, I'm not THAT vain - nor do I put that much stock in my looks. But, I DO get attention from men and women who don't know or don't date trans-women. I also get LOTS of attention from guys who do "date" girls like me. Particularly on the Internet dating sites I frequent.

The fact that I pass coupled with the fact that I'm comfortable and open about my status severely limits my ability to date. I have gone to straight clubs and have had guys trying to pick me up. My need for honesty compells me to disclose my status, not on the second or third date - but at "May I buy you a drink?" A couple ass-whuppings later, and I don't go out without an escort who can and will help me defend myself. Because I'm not comfortable with putting someone I like at risk, I just don't go out.

Online affords me the ability to to meet guys and not have to disclose anything about my history. Since that bit is taken care of for me by the sites. I get my share of curious guys, married guys, dudes with a fetish, etc. What I also get are guys who come across as complete gentlemen. They are (oddly) impressed that I'm smart and witty and tell me that those are the qualities they are looking for. The email and chat exchanges and phone calls eventually start to get more serious. These guys are seemingly looking for a girl-friend and they think I'm "the one". Each and every one of them fails for one of more of the following reasons:

1) They mention "You look like a girl, not a guy in a dress" - I dig that people like what they like, but I USED TO LOOK LIKE A GUY IN A DRESS. That and once I'm out as trans, I get considered a guy in a frikking dress.

2) They don't want to know anything about my past living as a guy. - I did some cool stuff as a guy, and I won't erase part of my history to ease someone's sense of sexual identity.

3) They expect me to be stealth. - I'm openly Trans, no shame, no regrets. While I have no interest in being the Tranny spokes-model, I won't lie or edit.

4) They throw in words like "Dirty Secret" or "My friends won't know what you are hiding". It's like the one above, but has a really creepy sexual vibe. This normally comes out like "You'll be my dirty little secret. I can't wait to have my friends see you and how pretty you are. They'll have no idea that when we get home I'll be playing with your _________". ICKY!!!!

At this point, I'm talking to a really nice guy. He's sweet and kind and educated. I don't know if he likes ME or the idea of ME. I never know until I have invested something in a relationship emotionally and end up feeling like crap.

I also know that I get treated so much better by the guys out there than some of my sisters. While I have gotten called a "fag with tits" more than I can count when I turn a guy down, guys usually go the extra mile to treat me well while wooing me. I have started editing my profiles to remove face pics because I realy want to be sure that guys are liking the strong, semi-independant, silly, nerdy, uptight, cranky, smart, funny chyck that I have become. Not a face that looks like a "beautiful 'normal' girl with something extra" (as a number of my emails tend to start off).

Turning a Critical Eye to "The Community"

I'm not sure how this happens, but it does in every marginalized group of people. A group will compare itself to the majority culture and, in an attempt to gain acceptance, try to comply with the affectations of that culture.

I was with a good friend of mine, a natal woman who is back and sports some lovely long dreadlocks. We were waiting for the bus with a couple of other African-American women who were giving my friend ye olde "stink eye". One turned to the other and said "At least I can pass for white". My friend turned around and sad "Until you open that ghetto-ass mouth". I was ready for a throw-down (without Bobby Flay), but no fisti-cuffs resulted.

This got me thinking about some conversations I have been having in various online forums, and some I have been avoiding all together. The invisible, whispered, apparent divisions within the M2F Trans community. At the top you have the gals who have had SRS, or are just about to do so. Then you have a stratification of women who move up or down based on their either their surgical status, or INTENDED surgical status. The lowly "non-op" gal is at the bottom, regardless of her reasons, and piled high with assumptions by the gal who were able to shell out the cash for the switcheroo.

Then you have, like our snotty gals at the bus stop, the women who can "pass for woman". Knowing as I do that nobody passes ALL the time, the ones who can reasonably pass MOST of the time are the prize. Both for the guys who date us, and for our community. Passing is important for personal peace of mind and safety. We rioTgirls are in two different places regarding "passing" and our experiences vary GREATLY based on this fact. Particularly regarding our interactions within the Trans Community (including guys/gals who date within the community).

My issue isn't SRS, or Passing, or the women who do either or both. My issue is the establishment of authority to determine authenticity based on either criteria. Rather than embrace the full spectrum of gender variant people, the SRS crowd want to make THEIR goal everyone's. The reality is, body modification MUST be done with an end to anxiety as a goal - the goal NEEDS to be self-comfort and nothing more. If SRS is what makes someone feel complete, ROCK OUT!! Save that cash and book your hospital stay. If it isn't, then you shouldn't be made to feel like a fetishist, or a cross dresser, or a whore - unless you adopt those descriptors for yourself.

**This is where I personal opinion comes in, and it is just that OPINION***
Passing, is IMO more important than a vagina. The face gives more clues to gender than a bulge in the skirt. On the other hand, obsessing over "passability" is the surest way NOT to pass - you will NEVER pass as well as you want to. It's part of the beauty myth that there is an ideal body/face/personality - don't buy into it beyond your own comfort levels. If you use personal comfort as your guide, rather than measurements of your skull vs. those of an average woman's skull as your guide, your quest for passability will be comforting rather than anxious.

Unlike my friend, I'd never tell a "passing woman" that her actions betray her history. I'd also like to come to a point within our community where surgical status, how contoured our forehead is, or any other artificial qualifications are non-issues. Heck, I'd like to see the day where a guy with a beard to his knees can claim a Trans*identity and feel no compulsion to modify is body to find acceptance within the Trans community. Acceptance within the greater community will likely take much longer...

Trans Misogyny

Poking around the Interweb lately I came upon a question about Trans-Misogyny and if women, even Feminist women could be trans-misogynist. Now, I'm not in Academia, I'm just a grrrl trying to make it in the big bad wrrrld. I do have my own understanding of this topic though.

Trans-Misogyny is the particular way misogyny is applied to Trans*folk. The easiest example is the double-bind trans*women are in with respect to how we present ourselves. A T-gal who wears makeup, skirts, lace, has long painted nails, and a hair-do is "trying to hard". A T-gal who has short hair, little or no makeup, a button-down shirt "may as well have remained a man". It's a take off of the Beauty Myth and "male gaze" that Feminists are familiar with - but used to discount our identity as women. The "perfect middle ground" doesn't exist for us we are either "making a mockery of womon" or we are not trying hard enough.

It also plays out in how we act. It a T-gal is demure, and soft-spoken, and likes to cook and garden, and take on a traditional woman's role in a relationship, she is reinforcing the gender binary. If a TG is loud, vocal in expressing herself, stands up for what she believes she is using her "male privilege" or has "male energy".

It isn't so much that Trans-Misogyny is worse or easier than anything. It is a term used to show how the tools of oppression are used specifically to keep transwomen in their places.

Anti-Trans Feminists

I promised to show some feminists who were anti-trans and it didn't take long while reading about the Michigan Womyn's Music Fest policy to find dirtywhiteboi. She's a self proclaimed Butch Lesbian who seem to have an axe to grind against trans* folks. Her focus seems to be transmen, but she an equal opportunity hater. To be fair, her blog is:

www.dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com/

In her posts on a michfest discussion board, as well as her own blog, she has a tendency to post a comment and refuse to answer any challenges or requests for research to verify her claims. Perfect way to re frame and discount the lived experiences of people without being called out. Using her cis privilege to tell trans people what they are (diseased, narcissistic, delusional) without the uncomfortable need to view reactions or facts.

Her tactics are those of the Religious Right. Her blog is full of convenient snippets from Trans Blogs, LiveJournals, and discussion boards devoid of their proper context. She then, oh so joyfully ads her own comments, observations, and critiques.. because we all know that a cis womon is better able to tell a Trans*person what is going on in their life.

Unfortunately, she contradicts herself: (Note: I'd link to the specific article, but the pictures are a bit more risque than I'm currently comfortable showing - it's from June 26 2008 though)


"I seriously dont know which one is worse, granny on top thinking cuz she sprouted a few chinny chin chin hairs (gran? srly shave that shit) after going through "the change" she's a man, or Heart on the bottom thinking nobody knows he's not a man! HELLO! I always had my suspicions about Heart, (even battered women dont hate men that much) but that pic clinches it for me! If Heart isnt a fucking bio male I'll eat someones hat!(dirt doesnt do hats-that pesky ear sticking out issue)."

This is shown with two pictures, one of an assumed transman (or perhaps particularly butch womon) and another of an assumed cis femme who is thin and has a pronounced Adam's apple. Now DWB - you moron.. which is it - do physical traits make gender or not??? If "chin hairs" are not a determining factor to someones gender/sex identity, why question someones gender/sex identity due to the existence of a visible Adam's apple?? Both are incorrectly applied to men only. But I guess they only matter when you can make a dig on someone to erase their identity as a man, or use transsexualism as a means to questions someones biological history as a womon. Really affirming of body image there DWB - you go!!

There is soooo much to pick apart here.. so so so much. I just want to leave with two things. DWB's identity is secure as a Butch Lesbian. She can claim that identity because her life has shown that to be correct. It wasn't so long ago that Lesbianism was viewed as a mental disease, and even a form of Narcissism... "Female Inversion" was the popular term in the 20's-40's. But now, DWB can correctly claim "That her identity is a born identity".. she doesn't seem to afford Trans* people that luxury. Yes, luxury..her cis privileged allows her to minimise, re frame, other, discount, ignore the realities of being Trans while at the same time railing against Misogyny and the gender binary. It must have been a happy day when this Butch Dyke found someone else to take a crap on.

Birthday

Yes today I celebrate my birth. No, I won't tell how old I am. I'll use this time to reflect on friends and perhaps unplug (ok ok turn on vibrate) the phone. I have nothing planned today and I like it that way.

Ask Tranny

Well, it seems that we have a question from one of the guys...

" I'm thinking about going out with a T-girl. I met "her" online and "she" seems pretty nice. My first question is - does this mean I'm gay? Second question - do I use guy or girl words when talking to them?

I hope these questions aren't stupid. I really think I'm interested in this person and don't want to seem like a jerk. "

(name not printed)


Dear J,

The first thing that struck me was the use of quotations around female pronouns. Since I noticed this, and you are asking about pronouns, I'll address this first. With a Transsexual woman, you should use the pronouns that fit her gender identity. This can get tricky if you are dating a Cross Dresser or Transvestite who live mostly as a man and identify as a man with a "feminine side" that needs expressed. In the latter case, take your cues from your date. If you are going out with a TS who is living full time or planning to live FT as a woman, there is no reason to use "he" or "him" when referring to your date. In fact, doing so would generally be quite insulting.

As far as dealing with the history of your date, again take your cue from her. Some gals go to great lengths to hide there history and erase all signs that they were born male. Some gals are quite comfortable about their history. In either case bringing it up in public is poor form and can be dangerous for both of you.

The first question is probably the #1 question for guys who date gals like me. The best thing I can say is : It really shouldn't matter. The answer is going to be murky and depends on your point of view. If you view a trans* woman as a woman, then you probably aren't gay. If you view her as a man with boobs, then you might be gay. Or you may not, since self-identification is what is important. As far as society goes, lots of people will think you are gay for dating a T-gal.

Ultimately, the answer to the gay question is one of personal understanding. Dating a T-gal isn't gay in a traditional way (gay guys don't go for us) - but it isn't exactly hetero either (especially if your gal has a pee pee)

The Sound of Music

It is summer and as the weather heats up so does the debate about the Michigan Womyn's Music Fest (MWMF).. or The Fest by those who attend. This is a week long camping trip in Michigan on a plot of land owned by the organizers of the fest - lovingly called "The Land" (ok ok ok "The Fest" and "The Land" not really clever naming going on, but the amazing ways vowels are used in the words "woman" brings a tear to the eye). The time is spent in an all womon environment amongst womyn supporting womon-owned businesses and listening to Womyn's Music. All 100% supported and maintained by the fest-goers (Festies). I FULLY support women supporting eachother, community buiulding, and even the idea of "wimin-only spaces".

The snag comes into play with a policy of MWMF ... the Fest is open to "Womon-born-wimin". That is.. no trannies pre/post op legally or otherwise. If you weren't born XX - or Intersex and RAISED AS A GIRL, Michigan would prefer you not attend. The bit about being raised as a girl is important. Being raised a boy imparts some level of priviledge (wanted or not, observed or not) that being raised a girl does not. Giving up that preferred status does not give away a history of being better treated.

So, Michigan doesn't want TGs. A group of Transwomen have set up a protest cam called Camp Trans (ok, so our naming conventions suck too) right across the road for the Festival's main gate. They protest exclusion and try to educate the Festies about the policy and Trans issues. Hurrah!! Honestly two really important things that unfortunately have come into conflict.

MWMF - officially will not do any "gender checks" and has asked Festies not to question someone's gender. Rather like "Don't ask don't tell". Organizers know full well that Transwomen attend every year and have since the first tent got pitched (or didn't).

I remember as a young 'un when ALL my Lesbain friends would pack up and leave me to watch the house and cats for a week. It stunk - mainly because I avoided cleaning the litter box. I mean here were 80% of my friends all gone and I couldn't go! I was living FT as a man, so I got why I couldn't go - still made me sad. But it's not about me or my needs really - my friends had a good time and brought back varying degrees of good/bad music and LOTS of sex stories. They also legimately seemed better able and willing to deal with the real world as feminists and lesbians and activists. Their batteries were "recharged" by disconnecting from a world under male influence.

Now that I'm living as a woman, I still can't play with my friends..openly at MWMF. I thought about joining Camp Trans and spreading the message that I was born a woman.. people just took a long time to figure it out. That as a Transwoman I KNOW that sexism is real, not as a theory, but as a daily pervasive practice. As long as I "pass" I get crapped on just like every other woman - if I don't, I get crapped on like "failed men" are (you know sissy gay guys). I though about it.. but I won't.. and I don't even support Camp Trans' objective anymore....

(Dun Dun Duuuun)

Lets look at this from MWMF's perspective. Do they want to make a policy that includes post-op gals? That's a classest statement right there, and by extention a racist one. That doesn't even get into the discussion of "gender vs. sex" which is the basis of most feminism. Do they open it up to women who don't look really "Trannified"??? Would you like to be at the ticket booth on a humid August morning with a line of people as far as the eye can see determining if sone transwoman "passes" well enough to get in? I sure wouldn't. OR just allow the ful spectrum of trans* identified people? I can't see that being a good solution at all - I know a gal who is trans identified M2F who for her own reasons has to "pass" as a man all day long. She is as much a woman as I am, but ..... should she be allowed at Michigan where womin are looking to relax without pressure from men?

So... Michigan's policy is actually not a bad one... it's not a great one.. but I honestly think it's the best option they have. It also helps that I have passing aquaintences with a couple womin who take off in a couple weeks to get The Land ready (and have for 20 years). These individual womin are organizers of The Fest, and I know they have strong personal relationships with the Trans* community.

All this said.. and before I get tired of typing... the reasons the Festies give for maintaining the WBW policy continue to perpetuate the idea that these women do indeed need to be educated about Trans issues. Some of the worst reasoning and faulty logic EVER is contained on the MWMF forums when this issue comes up. So.. Fest policy, not bad.. Festie Trans=Panic.. pretty retched... and the topic of another post soon.

First Time Out

I have a Transgender identity. I understand myself to be a woman who developed a male body. Cross Dressing was never a big part of my life ever. I'm talking the odd Halloween costume or not particularly checking which side the button holes were on if I found something I liked. I never had a real urge to get "dolled up"... we can chalk that up to being lazy and in blissful denial. To this day, I don't feel any comfort in "dressing". I don't hate it, but it has never been the focus or even a particularly compelling aspect of transitioning.

A couple months ago an Internet friend who lives close spent the weekend with my partner and I. She's Trans and that weekend was a TG bar night. I had never gone being ruther shy and still having issued getting stuff together (wig that looked ok, clothes..stuff). My friend and I spent some time getting ready, it was fun. I went to put on a blouse that looked pretty good on me, but forgot that I had used the back of my hand for my foundation and ended up with makeup smeared on my new white top *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*.

I was nervous. I was dressing for the public as a transwoman for the first time. This wasn't a Halloween lark, this was ME. I would be meeting new people and didn't want to look shabby. I ruined the top I was comfortable wearing. I grabbed a different top (after cleaning the back of my hand) - a simple hoodie. I put on my hair and my boobies took a deep breath and headed out.

I paused long enough to ask my partner how I looked. He's usually dismissive or will joke about my ass being big or something. This time he rolled his eyes, and said "You look like a Drag Queen Hooker. There IS a difference between looking like a woman and looking like a boy in a dress." My friend gabbed my arm and forced me in the car and we went.. unfortunately, I was done for the night. My confidence was shaken, my resolve questioned, and my hope I could have an understanding supportive partner was removed. It didn't matter that a guy flirted with me, that the other gals were amazingly friendly and welcoming, or even that I objectively didn't look bad that night. What mattered was what I was told, that my identity was negated.

Generally the hubby is super, he's a great guy. I know he's afraid and this is hard for him. O know that he has lots and lots of other things he's dealing with. I'm just tired of feeling selfish and irresponsible every time I take a step to feminize.

I was out woth a couple friends last night, and I was drinking something stronger than my usual Coke on the Rocks. I was having a good time with my partner and two friends. I don't remember how the topic came up but my partner made the comment "Well, the reason you aren't going thorugh with being a tranny is.." I cut him off and interjected "What do you mean 'not going through'"?

I had more I wanted to say, but even tipsy I knew better than to spill 6 months wouth of anxiety and angst in the middle of a neighborhood bar with two good friends who would have become uncomfortable.

The ONLY reasons I'm not sporting bewbz and gobbling down hormones is... HIM!! and money... about equal measures of those actually. It ht me how little he has been involved in the single most significant thing that has happened in my life. By his choice.

I don't think he knows that protecting him from his anxiety regarding my transsexual identity crisis has made me essentially plod through this without his help or support or generally very good advice. He doesn't know that this is on the edge of my mind every moment of every day. Trying to figure out, not who I am, but what I'm going to do about it. He doesn't want to know, so I keep him safe. He can't help me and this makes me very sad.

Trans Fantasy

Yup.. Pr0n!

I have had some discussions with men who state they are "Admirers" of Trans-women and I have also spoken with TG friends of mine and looked to my own interactions with men. The vast majority of men looking for a transgendered woman are looking to fulfill a fantasy fueled by porn imagery.

Fantasy is a lovely thing and should be encouraged. However, hijacking another person into your fantasy is neither lovely nor to be encouraged. Assuming that a trans-woman is into the same things that you saw in a porn flick is like assuming your female coworkers are just like Jenna Jameson. One HUGE difference is everyone knows real-life genetic women, so there is the healthy balance between fantasy and reality. Fewer people know that they know trans-women, so the balance is never there. I mean I have had guys assume I was a sex worker, be surprised that I have a degree, and not understand that I don't think about sex all day every day.

The thing is... this is reality for us. This is not sex for us. We aren't becoming women to snag guys. Transitioning into the correct physical gender isn't sexy or hot or pornographic. It is expensive, potentially deadly if hormone levels aren't monitored, and emotionally taxing. Few people looking to date us bother to learn this. Nobody spends thousands of dollars on surgery and medication just to get laid and be the object of some guys "curiosity".

The special men and women who have bothered to learn about our reality and genuinely love and admire us do so not for the sexy thrill of a girl with a "dirty secret". They do so because they admire our courage, our self-awareness, our understanding of ourselves and others, and because of our strength.

What's in a Name?

I'm tired of typing "guys who date girls like me" to refer to..umm.. guys who date girls like me. The thing is there are terms available, but I just don't like them. They conjure strange images or seem awkward, or are rather sexist. I'd like to come up with a term that's more specific than "guy" or "man" - I know labels are limiting and dehumanizing, but they are also useful as a mental shorthand to express ideas. I'd really like to get men involved in the discussion since ultimately, I think people should be able to define themselves.

Some of the terms used for guys in "the community" and my take on them are:

Admirer - This sounds like someone watching without participating. My interactions with "admirers" seems to back this up. They have tended to skulk on the sidelines, not talking to TGs. The guys at TG bars, nights, events who hang out by the bar and leer at us....

Tranny Chaser - This sounds more like something you order at a bar.. "I'd like a Bourbon with a Tranny Chaser". It also sounds a little creepy, and I can't help thinking of "Bug Chasers" (Nutty gay guys looking to be infected with HIV).

Hunters - This one actually pisses me off. It's used by guys who vacation in Thailand for the LadyBoy scene. It dehumanizes the LB as "prey" and feeds the male ego as "conqueror/hunter/hero". Also, as any actual hunter will tell you proper hunting requires skill and luck. It requires no skill for a flabby middle-aged white dude to plop in ass on a bar stool and have enough money to pat the bar fine and the time of his "prey".

TransBiSexual - I don't mind this one so much. It seems to indicate a guy who is attracted to non/pre - op gals as well as genetic women who is not attracted to men. The down side is it puts the focus on the sexual aspects only.

TransSexual Lover (TSL) (T-Lover) - Also not bad IMO. Although it could be augued how much "Love" comes into play here.

Grumpy Emails

I recently had an online discussion with a guy who is looking to explore his curiosity for "special girls". I won't lie, I get contacted by guys on TG dating sites lots some are sweet and some are total jackasses. This one comment stood out and why I am writing this after some processing.

"Most of these sites are full of ugly cross dressers and beautiful prostitutes".. ok he used a different word for "prostitute". He went on to compliment me on how I look etc. and hoped I was "for real" not not another "gurl after my money".

It's a common enough comment, either expressed or implied, by men who date us. Here is the deal guys. Every Trans* woman can pass and be beautiful - with surgery. Every man I have talked to wants a totally "passable" TS who looks like a gorgeous woman, but with the ability and desire to top. Here is the issue as I see it...

1) These guys never take a moment to apply the same standards to their own bodies/looks. If you can't snag a hot 20-something cis woman, why do you think you can snag a hot (er) Trans woman???

Don't get me wrong, I've dated guys and really liked guys who were very very average as are as looks went. They had a personality and humor that won me over. So it's not just looks I'm talking about, but the whole package.

2) The surgeries needed by most of us to "pass" well enough to try to meet the standards of the "curious and looking" are really expensive. In my case, I pass..very well. I guess I'm pretty cute, I'm $30,000 in debt because of it. That's after paying off a good portion over the past few years.

I don't own a car because of my face, I don't have a home because of my face, I don't have lots of luxuries because of my face. I'm actually pretty much broke and will be for the next 30 years...because of my face. I honestly don't begrudge a cute young T-girl for wanting some help handling her bills. It's hard to get a job even if you are "stealth", and getting a GOOD job is even harder... much less keeping it if they find out.

A friend of mine called me out about my surgical debt. "Girlina, your vanity got you inna this.. maybe you need ta use that ta get out." ... yes, she calls me "Girlina" *sigh*. The thing is, it was partly vanity, partly luck, and partly fear that made me have this series of surgeries, and I'm very pleased with the results. Vanity, because 7 years ago when I started, I swore that I'd stop if I couldn't look REALLY good. Luck, because I was able to fund my surgeries because I had a man who could support me while I save for them. Fear, because I didn't want to get my ass beat anymore.

So guys, look at you in the mirror, because I guarantee you that TSs on the scene encounter two types of men. "Pathetic guys who think we are so hard up we'll deal with their crap or Hot guys who stay long enough to pop and then freak out." See the knife cuts both ways.. sucks don't it.