I recently had an online discussion with a guy who is looking to explore his curiosity for "special girls". I won't lie, I get contacted by guys on TG dating sites lots some are sweet and some are total jackasses. This one comment stood out and why I am writing this after some processing.
"Most of these sites are full of ugly cross dressers and beautiful prostitutes".. ok he used a different word for "prostitute". He went on to compliment me on how I look etc. and hoped I was "for real" not not another "gurl after my money".
It's a common enough comment, either expressed or implied, by men who date us. Here is the deal guys. Every Trans* woman can pass and be beautiful - with surgery. Every man I have talked to wants a totally "passable" TS who looks like a gorgeous woman, but with the ability and desire to top. Here is the issue as I see it...
1) These guys never take a moment to apply the same standards to their own bodies/looks. If you can't snag a hot 20-something cis woman, why do you think you can snag a hot (er) Trans woman???
Don't get me wrong, I've dated guys and really liked guys who were very very average as are as looks went. They had a personality and humor that won me over. So it's not just looks I'm talking about, but the whole package.
2) The surgeries needed by most of us to "pass" well enough to try to meet the standards of the "curious and looking" are really expensive. In my case, I pass..very well. I guess I'm pretty cute, I'm $30,000 in debt because of it. That's after paying off a good portion over the past few years.
I don't own a car because of my face, I don't have a home because of my face, I don't have lots of luxuries because of my face. I'm actually pretty much broke and will be for the next 30 years...because of my face. I honestly don't begrudge a cute young T-girl for wanting some help handling her bills. It's hard to get a job even if you are "stealth", and getting a GOOD job is even harder... much less keeping it if they find out.
A friend of mine called me out about my surgical debt. "Girlina, your vanity got you inna this.. maybe you need ta use that ta get out." ... yes, she calls me "Girlina" *sigh*. The thing is, it was partly vanity, partly luck, and partly fear that made me have this series of surgeries, and I'm very pleased with the results. Vanity, because 7 years ago when I started, I swore that I'd stop if I couldn't look REALLY good. Luck, because I was able to fund my surgeries because I had a man who could support me while I save for them. Fear, because I didn't want to get my ass beat anymore.
So guys, look at you in the mirror, because I guarantee you that TSs on the scene encounter two types of men. "Pathetic guys who think we are so hard up we'll deal with their crap or Hot guys who stay long enough to pop and then freak out." See the knife cuts both ways.. sucks don't it.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Ask a Tranny
The rioTgirls are members of a few online forums that cater to Trans* women and also dug around the Internet and found a couple places where those men who date us (well mostly want to share porn about us) gather. In our time on these sites we have had a number of people ask us privately some very good questions. Right now, I'd like to answer one that is near and dear to my heart, and perhaps this can become a continuing feature.
Q: I'm a new T-gurl and I really want to look like a woman. I have heard mention that silicone injections work really well in feminizing the body while maintaining orgasm. Is this true?
A: First, I'm not one to tell another person what to do with their body. All I can do is deliver some facts and tell you what I have done or would be willing to do. Some facts... Yes, you CAN achieve some really amazing results with injections and since it isn't a hormone, it won't interfere with the production of testosterone (so you will be able to remain "fully functional"). It will also do nothing for the production of body hair, and the continued masculinization of the skeleton. These can only be done with hormone therapy.
Also, it should be mentioned that this is completely ILLEGAL and UNSAFE. No doctor would recommend this for his/her Trans* patients. You are essentially letting some untrained person with a needle inject what amounts to bathroom caulking into your body. Guess what happens? Yes.. women FRIKKING DIE because the crap gets injected into their veins by accident, or their lungs. That's right they DIE!! Sometimes they don't die immediately, but they end up in a coma, or losing the ability to use the part of their body that was injected. Imagine not being able to use your hips..and legs.. and feet because the nervous system and muscles are all "gooped up".
Most women don't die from this however..initially. Further down the line, silicone migrates because it's heavier than fat... so over time the silicone will travel down and can pass through organs (see above for the Death and coma bit). Eventually you have silicone "pooling" in parts of your body.
Silicone gets hard eventually. Either you get it scooped out as it starts to migrate (expensive procedure that.. and dangerous on its own..and not easy to do) or you start to get hard silicone lumps where it's pooling. Yeah, think about that.. you get a little "bump" in our forehead to get a female face, and eventually you have a series of painful hard bumps along your brow ridge, moving toward your optic nerves. Oh and migrating silicone REALLY wants to migrate all the way out of your body. You know, like Chyna from the WWE when her implants busted out on the mat.. except injected silicone isn't in a container... it's just kinda drippy and clumpy and gross.
I caution women from doing this. I can't stress the "YOU CAN DIE" part enough. I do, however, know how appealing it is. Cosmetic surgery is expensive, HRT takes time and money and the results are so varied from person to person. I know, I've been there.. I am there.. I'd kill to look like some of those women in the movies. Silicone injections can help us pass and hold down jobs and not get mocked on the street. It makes our date ability increase as we become more like that fantasy of the hot chick with a working tool.
Again, I'm not here to tell someone how to transition. It's as individual as the person doing it. I think it is prudent to understand that few shortcuts ever work as intended. Seriously think about your future and your future well being. You can go to jail or be fined for attending a "pumping party", you will eventually have to "touch up" the areas as the silicone migrates, your health and very life are in the hands of someone who is untrained and unprepared to intervene in case something goes wrong.
I'd never do it, and would never help someone I know do it. I would actively try to talk them out of it. But, I have friends who have done it and look very good. The bottom line is... is this really worth it???
Q: I'm a new T-gurl and I really want to look like a woman
A: First, I'm not one to tell another person what to do with their body. All I can do is deliver some facts and tell you what I have done or would be willing to do. Some facts... Yes, you CAN achieve some really amazing results with injections and since it isn't a hormone, it won't interfere with the production of testosterone (so you will be able to remain "fully functional"). It will also do nothing for the production of body hair, and the continued masculinization of the skeleton. These can only be done with hormone therapy.
Also, it should be mentioned that this is completely ILLEGAL and UNSAFE. No doctor would recommend this for his/her Trans* patients. You are essentially letting some untrained person with a needle inject what amounts to bathroom caulking into your body. Guess what happens? Yes.. women FRIKKING DIE because the crap gets injected into their veins by accident, or their lungs. That's right they DIE!! Sometimes they don't die immediately, but they end up in a coma, or losing the ability to use the part of their body that was injected. Imagine not being able to use your hips..and legs.. and feet because the nervous system and muscles are all "gooped up".
Most women don't die from this however..initially. Further down the line, silicone migrates because it's heavier than fat... so over time the silicone will travel down and can pass through organs (see above for the Death and coma bit). Eventually you have silicone "pooling" in parts of your body.
Silicone gets hard eventually. Either you get it scooped out as it starts to migrate (expensive procedure that.. and dangerous on its own..and not easy to do) or you start to get hard silicone lumps where it's pooling. Yeah, think about that.. you get a little "bump" in our forehead to get a female face, and eventually you have a series of painful hard bumps along your brow ridge, moving toward your optic nerves. Oh and migrating silicone REALLY wants to migrate all the way out of your body. You know, like Chyna from the WWE when her implants busted out on the mat.. except injected silicone isn't in a container... it's just kinda drippy and clumpy and gross.
I caution women from doing this. I can't stress the "YOU CAN DIE" part enough. I do, however, know how appealing it is. Cosmetic surgery is expensive, HRT takes time and money and the results are so varied from person to person. I know, I've been there.. I am there.. I'd kill to look like some of those women in the movies. Silicone injections can help us pass and hold down jobs and not get mocked on the street. It makes our date ability increase as we become more like that fantasy of the hot chick with a working tool.
Again, I'm not here to tell someone how to transition. It's as individual as the person doing it. I think it is prudent to understand that few shortcuts ever work as intended. Seriously think about your future and your future well being. You can go to jail or be fined for attending a "pumping party", you will eventually have to "touch up" the areas as the silicone migrates, your health and very life are in the hands of someone who is untrained and unprepared to intervene in case something goes wrong.
I'd never do it, and would never help someone I know do it. I would actively try to talk them out of it. But, I have friends who have done it and look very good. The bottom line is... is this really worth it???
Vanity's Fully Functional Price
I met with an old friend of mine this year at the local Gay Price Parade. I was happy to see her, we were to early 20's Trans-girls trying to navgate the many turns and potholes this road has. I hadn't seen her for maybe 4 years until Saturday afternoon. We lost contact after she moved to NYC to be with the man of her dreams. When she left she was this fresh transwoman with new boobs and a nicely developing set of hips. She was funny and gracious and generous - a little gipsy who trusted everyone.
Who I met Saturday made my mouth drop open and gape. Here was a stunning beauty that caused heads to turn - even the gay bois seemed to appreciate her. I'm pretty cute.. some have said quite pretty.. but she is just WOW!! After exchanging hugs and eager to catch up we sat on the sidewalk and drank some coffee.
The love of her life left her for a ciswoman (so did mine) and she has been actively dating in The Big Apple (she was only here for a wedding and decided to stay for Pride). I won't get into all the silly reaquaintaing stuff, and I'll get to the point of this post - mostly because I'm a little angry and want to get this off my chest.
My friend, who looks quite attractive and VERY shapely... like a PERFECT woman's body, is having silcone injections to get the figure an face of a woman while retaining the ever popular "Fully Functional" tool. She mentioned that the guys in NYC really aren't interested if you have a "tiny hormone prick the won't work" (with a giggle even!!).
Now let me say I don't care what any woman decides to do with her body - well I care, but I believe that we have the ablity as thinking humans to make up our own minds. I am also aware that silicone injections are a less expensive option for feminization than hormones treatment and plastic surgery. I kow for a fact it is VERY popular amongst TGs in Central and South America and used by some TGs in the sex industry. It is popular all over the US for its ability to provide amazingly appealing results.
So what's the problem Tranny???... The froblem is PEOPLE DIE EVERY MONTH FROM THIS. Every single month women die from having some untrained chyck sticking a needle in the bottoms, hips, breasts, face, lips..yes even penis. If they inject into, oh maybe one of the hundreds of veins in the body.. you guessed it.. you die. How about a coma? or loss of feeling and function of the targeted body part?
Let's look at this. MOST women who do this don't die and aren't in a coma. On the other hand, it IS illegal and the FDA has not approved silicone injections for cosmetic use. I wonder why? Perhaps it's because it is barely a temporary solution. Unlike silicone IMPLANTS, there is no container for the silicone INJECTION. Silicone is heavier than fat, so it migrates. Those round plump hips will soon enough start to sag as the silicone moves toward the ground (gravity and all). Silicone tends to clump and harden too, so not only is the stuff moving (potentially entering the blood stream or organs on the way - more causes of DEATH) it is turning into hard lumps.
It's a Catch 22 for many of us. We can't afford surgery to feminize so we don't pass. We are hard to employ because we look like "men in skirts". If we can pass better, we can land a better job and afford to do stuff the "proper" way. I get it- I really REALLY do. This is what made me nearly cry ... my friend's main reason was because men demand a model looking woman with a fully functional tool. She claims that at least in NYC all the pretty gurls do it to stay "ahead of the game".
This make me sad and angry. The level of sexist expectations is HUGE, and important. However, the fact that someone I know and love is injecting bathroom calking into her body. If any woman Trans or not is considering this, please PLEASE reconsider. If you can look at the risks and see the results that don't end up in "Brazillian Shemail Sextravaganza Part 12" and STILL want this...... I just don't know.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Wow..Just..Wow
Looking for females to perform in an adult film featuring people in wheelchairs.It will involve some scenes with a crotchless chair. Also might be some acne squeezing or possibly lancing a boil. Also looking for midgets.
The above comes from our friendly neighborhood Craig's List. I'm slipping into a coma as I'm typing this.... some things can't be un-read.
The above comes from our friendly neighborhood Craig's List. I'm slipping into a coma as I'm typing this.... some things can't be un-read.
Stuff I DON'T Miss
1) Getting punched in the arm as a greeting
2) Guys expecting me to know what the hell they are talking about
3) Listening to sexist "jokes"
4) Feeling like a failure for not being "macho"
5) Stricter expectations for gender conformity
6) Hating my body
7) Feeling like I'm an actor playing a role
8) Bartenders snickering when I order drinks made in a blender
9) Having a choice between dark blue, black, or kaki pants
10) Having to shave my face every day
2) Guys expecting me to know what the hell they are talking about
3) Listening to sexist "jokes"
4) Feeling like a failure for not being "macho"
5) Stricter expectations for gender conformity
6) Hating my body
7) Feeling like I'm an actor playing a role
8) Bartenders snickering when I order drinks made in a blender
9) Having a choice between dark blue, black, or kaki pants
10) Having to shave my face every day
More Stuff I Miss
11) Belching REALLY loudly and nobody saying anything
12) Staying friends with guys I've had sex with but aren't currently dating
13) Guys buying me birthday presents that AREN'T underwear
14) Telling guys I'm a bottom..and them respecting that
15) Changing in the men's locker room at the gym *grin* *halo*
12) Staying friends with guys I've had sex with but aren't currently dating
13) Guys buying me birthday presents that AREN'T underwear
14) Telling guys I'm a bottom..and them respecting that
15) Changing in the men's locker room at the gym *grin* *halo*
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Men in My Life #1
Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of Toby the eldest of my babies. He's camera shy, and the best I can do is get a quick shot of his tail as he's running away. He's Lab/Greyhound and very tall and lanky. He's also CRAZY fast... thing is, he'd never run away. We have had the dogs get out before, and good old Toby just hangs out in the yard.
He's the quintessential "mama's boy" following me around everywhere I go. He is also rather odd for a Lab i that he is absolutely petrified of water - even rain. Poor guy :(
We got all the dogs from the local Humane Society as puppies. Thus far they are the best guys a gal could ever have.. well except for my hubby *wink*
He's the quintessential "mama's boy" following me around everywhere I go. He is also rather odd for a Lab i that he is absolutely petrified of water - even rain. Poor guy :(
We got all the dogs from the local Humane Society as puppies. Thus far they are the best guys a gal could ever have.. well except for my hubby *wink*
Men in my Life #2
This handsome fella is Jake. He's almost 90 pounds (2 stone) of mean, bully, cuddle-butt!! I think he has saved us from many many break-ins since he looks really mean and has quite a bark. I have no doubt that he would seriously mess up anyone who tried to hurt momma. On the other hand, he's by buddy and loves to snuggle and give little (well rather BIG) kisses. He's also super around children - very gentle and protective.The men in my life #3
This is Mylo. He's our youngest and the most.. energetic.. that's a good word for him. He's Lab/Shepherd/Akita mix and stands about 14" tall, not counting those ears. He's also the biggest photo ham, pushing the others out of the way to get his mug on film.He really is a spoiled little baby and gets the other two in trouble all the time.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Stuff I Miss
Below are some things I miss since transitioning.
1) Walking alone at night
2) Going to a Str8 club unescorted
3) Pants with proper pockets
4) Clothing sizes that actually tell me if something will fit
5) Men looking me in the eye when we talk
6) Men not taking eye-contact as flirtation
7) Having my opinions about non-trans stuff taken seriously
8) Not having to explain to banks, credit cards, employers why some of my documentation doesn't all match up.
9) Guys appreciating it when I beat them at a game
10) Not being the tallest woman in a photograph
1) Walking alone at night
2) Going to a Str8 club unescorted
3) Pants with proper pockets
4) Clothing sizes that actually tell me if something will fit
5) Men looking me in the eye when we talk
6) Men not taking eye-contact as flirtation
7) Having my opinions about non-trans stuff taken seriously
8) Not having to explain to banks, credit cards, employers why some of my documentation doesn't all match up.
9) Guys appreciating it when I beat them at a game
10) Not being the tallest woman in a photograph
Julia Serano
Feminist, Transwoman, Author, Goddess ... what more to say except if you haven't or aren't intending to read Whipping Girl.. shame shame shame...
Who's THAT Girl?
Well, it may be more effective to say what I'm not..
I am neither a CD (Cross Dresser) or a TV (Transvestite). Both of these are quite fine things to be, but not my thing. For me "Dressing up" putting on makeup, panties, matching my purse and my shoes isn't particularly fun, I don't get a thrill out of it - let's face it, I'm getting up an hour earlier than I used to to put on a face for work... not exactly hyper glam that.. My taste in clothes isn't particularly "girlie" .. lace kinda itches and overly ruffled clothes kinda confuse me. I wear the female version of the clothes I wore as a man (hoodies cut for the fem body, jeans, sneakers, etc). I own dresses, but they are more of a fun retro/ironic thing or simple and understated.. no bangles and boas here.... (So, not a CD with a hyped up idea of "femininity")
Contrary to popular belief I (and most TSs) do not "get off" dressing up. Putting on women's clothes is about as sexual as crossing the street. It is what it is and perhaps a means to an end. Some gals and guys too (ya norty panty bois..god love ya) find feminizing to be highly erotic, and good on ya!! It can be. Feeling sexy for me is a head to toe thing, so clothes do play a part..as does smell, and taste, and background noise. But specific articles of clothing are not erotically charged for me.
So, I have ruled out two of the Big Three.. that leaves Trans-Sexual. But, golly, that's a word with lots of meaning for lots of different people. I will only address this from my own perspective, with some insights from others I have gathered along the way. At the very very most basic level of understanding for me - I should have been born female. Before I was 5 years old, for example, I'd tell my playmates that I was a girl. My mom even wrote a letter to my Kindergarten teacher explaining that I sometimes think I'm a girl. What does this all mean??
It means that the way I think is female (not "feminine").. not in an obsessed with shoes stereotype, but in the way I process information. The way I respond to my environment. The way I communicate to people. The particular tasks I do well vs. the tasks I do poorly. Obviously, the human brain is as individual as the humans who posses one and the above are broad generalizations about brain and physical gender and one could easily have no conflict with their born gender while also having an a-typical "brain sex". This means that I am a woman and have been female 24/7 my whole life.. I am as female in a suit and tie as I am in a slinky dress. Very very few people get this so I'll say it again..
I have always thought/reacted/processed information in a very VERY typically female way. This is regardless of how I am dressed, so I am as female in a suit and tie as I am in a slinky dress. The clothes, makeup, hair and other articles that trigger "woman" in the average person's mind are useful to me in two very important ways:
1) Aside from being fun..time consuming, but fun... makeup and clothes serve the same purpose for me as they do for genetic women.. they help me feel better about how I look.
2) It helps people on the street know how to treat me and what to expect from me. Men and women treat each other very very differently. I feel a little guilty sometimes because guys used to let their guard down and treat me like "one of the guys"... it's really not fair to them *wink*
For me, gender is between the ears, not the legs (as told to me by someone more wise and lovely than I can ever hope to be). I think I'll leave with that statement whilst I ponder questions of gender/sexuality/politics/personality... I look forward to any and all comments and hope this gave someone some insight.
I am neither a CD (Cross Dresser) or a TV (Transvestite). Both of these are quite fine things to be, but not my thing. For me "Dressing up" putting on makeup, panties, matching my purse and my shoes isn't particularly fun, I don't get a thrill out of it - let's face it, I'm getting up an hour earlier than I used to to put on a face for work... not exactly hyper glam that.. My taste in clothes isn't particularly "girlie" .. lace kinda itches and overly ruffled clothes kinda confuse me. I wear the female version of the clothes I wore as a man (hoodies cut for the fem body, jeans, sneakers, etc). I own dresses, but they are more of a fun retro/ironic thing or simple and understated.. no bangles and boas here.... (So, not a CD with a hyped up idea of "femininity")
Contrary to popular belief I (and most TSs) do not "get off" dressing up. Putting on women's clothes is about as sexual as crossing the street. It is what it is and perhaps a means to an end. Some gals and guys too (ya norty panty bois..god love ya) find feminizing to be highly erotic, and good on ya!! It can be. Feeling sexy for me is a head to toe thing, so clothes do play a part..as does smell, and taste, and background noise. But specific articles of clothing are not erotically charged for me.
So, I have ruled out two of the Big Three.. that leaves Trans-Sexual. But, golly, that's a word with lots of meaning for lots of different people. I will only address this from my own perspective, with some insights from others I have gathered along the way. At the very very most basic level of understanding for me - I should have been born female. Before I was 5 years old, for example, I'd tell my playmates that I was a girl. My mom even wrote a letter to my Kindergarten teacher explaining that I sometimes think I'm a girl. What does this all mean??
It means that the way I think is female (not "feminine").. not in an obsessed with shoes stereotype, but in the way I process information. The way I respond to my environment. The way I communicate to people. The particular tasks I do well vs. the tasks I do poorly. Obviously, the human brain is as individual as the humans who posses one and the above are broad generalizations about brain and physical gender and one could easily have no conflict with their born gender while also having an a-typical "brain sex". This means that I am a woman and have been female 24/7 my whole life.. I am as female in a suit and tie as I am in a slinky dress. Very very few people get this so I'll say it again..
I have always thought/reacted/processed information in a very VERY typically female way. This is regardless of how I am dressed, so I am as female in a suit and tie as I am in a slinky dress. The clothes, makeup, hair and other articles that trigger "woman" in the average person's mind are useful to me in two very important ways:
1) Aside from being fun..time consuming, but fun... makeup and clothes serve the same purpose for me as they do for genetic women.. they help me feel better about how I look.
2) It helps people on the street know how to treat me and what to expect from me. Men and women treat each other very very differently. I feel a little guilty sometimes because guys used to let their guard down and treat me like "one of the guys"... it's really not fair to them *wink*
For me, gender is between the ears, not the legs (as told to me by someone more wise and lovely than I can ever hope to be). I think I'll leave with that statement whilst I ponder questions of gender/sexuality/politics/personality... I look forward to any and all comments and hope this gave someone some insight.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Worst.Date.Ever.
Recently, I went out with a local guy I met on the Internet. I wasn't expecting anything, and wouldn't have mentioned this date except for how gloriously wrong it was.
Mind you, I was not expecting "Mr Right" or even "Mr Right Now". I just wanted to go out and meet a new person. If things "clicked" that would have been a bonus. Anyway, after a week of emails and the odd IM, we set up a meting for late afternoon. I was interviewing for a job and told him so, in case I was late. I was also going to be close to his place, so we decided to meet there. I show up, a little early.
Not only does he not look like how he described himself (not a big deal since It's the Internet, and a dating site.. folks fudge that stuff all the time) but he answers the door in grubby old sweat pants and a t-shirt. I figure he isn't ready yet, and I am a little early. I apologize for being early. He gets this HUGE grin as as looks me up and down and thanks me for stopping over. He's being a little nervous which I think is cute, so he's making up points for not being close to what I expected.
He invites me in and offers a seat and a drink. I decline both (safety you know) and ask if he had any thoughts on where we could eat, or maybe he wanted a casual coffee or something. He looked at me like I was speaking Klingon... "Oh, you'd like to go out??... sure we can do that. You look pretty good". I should have bolted at this point... he was surprised that I wanted to go in public... and THEN my looks were what made it OK to do so. I stayed..silly girl..
He grabbed his house keys and made for the door. In those sweat pants and the t-shirt... Here I am, dressed to impress.. and he wants to take me out looking like he just got home from the gym. I figure what the heck, goodness knows I resent having to put in the effort to look stunning for guys, so maybe he's just telling me he isn't expecting me to always be dolled up - that would be cool.
We go down stairs and he takes me to his car. In a stupid lapse of thought I get in rather than take my car. We drive maybe 3 blocks to a McDonalds ... yes a freaking McDonalds. It isn't like there were no other places, there were some local restaurants as well as some nice affordable sit-down places. But here we were... I ordered some fries and a coke.
Conversation hit the two BIG points for lots of guys. He isn't gay, AND he was afraid that I wouldn't look good in person. Yes, the man who lied about his appearance and can't be bothered to put on proper pants was worried about how *I* looked. He noticed that I was only eating fries, and assumed it was on a diet. Oh.. did I mention that I had to pay for my own food.. I'm no princess, so I don't really care about paying my way on a date. I actually insist on it so the guy doesn't feel I'm obligated to sex him up later. But is IS nice to have the offer.
"Dinner" is finally over and I have a headache from a room full of screaming kids. We go to his place and get out of the car. He invites me up..more like expects me to follow him up. When he notices that I'm not following he turns around and.... makes it very clear he is expecting sex "now that we have that stuff out of the way... we can get down to business". He is greeted with an arched eyebrow and a frown as I head to the car.
He urges me to hurry because his GIRLFRIEND will be home in an hour and he wants to make sure we have enough time. He didn't mention a girlfriend before .. I ask about her. It seems that she is on her period and he wanted to get some sex, so called me.
And finally.. when I was clear I was getting into my car, not getting into his bed, and not at all pleased...he opened his wallet showing me a wad of cash. Pointed to the contents and then his crotch.
I have been on great dates with super guys, I've been on dates that just didn't go anywhere, I've been on dates where the guy insulted me or embarassed me.. I have never had such a completely bad date.. nothing was even "ok" .. it was stupid and pathetic and I could have used that time to paint my toenails or something...Just venting a bit and begging anyone who reads this.. don't be THAT guy.
Mind you, I was not expecting "Mr Right" or even "Mr Right Now". I just wanted to go out and meet a new person. If things "clicked" that would have been a bonus. Anyway, after a week of emails and the odd IM, we set up a meting for late afternoon. I was interviewing for a job and told him so, in case I was late. I was also going to be close to his place, so we decided to meet there. I show up, a little early.
Not only does he not look like how he described himself (not a big deal since It's the Internet, and a dating site.. folks fudge that stuff all the time) but he answers the door in grubby old sweat pants and a t-shirt. I figure he isn't ready yet, and I am a little early. I apologize for being early. He gets this HUGE grin as as looks me up and down and thanks me for stopping over. He's being a little nervous which I think is cute, so he's making up points for not being close to what I expected.
He invites me in and offers a seat and a drink. I decline both (safety you know) and ask if he had any thoughts on where we could eat, or maybe he wanted a casual coffee or something. He looked at me like I was speaking Klingon... "Oh, you'd like to go out??... sure we can do that. You look pretty good". I should have bolted at this point... he was surprised that I wanted to go in public... and THEN my looks were what made it OK to do so. I stayed..silly girl..
He grabbed his house keys and made for the door. In those sweat pants and the t-shirt... Here I am, dressed to impress.. and he wants to take me out looking like he just got home from the gym. I figure what the heck, goodness knows I resent having to put in the effort to look stunning for guys, so maybe he's just telling me he isn't expecting me to always be dolled up - that would be cool.
We go down stairs and he takes me to his car. In a stupid lapse of thought I get in rather than take my car. We drive maybe 3 blocks to a McDonalds ... yes a freaking McDonalds. It isn't like there were no other places, there were some local restaurants as well as some nice affordable sit-down places. But here we were... I ordered some fries and a coke.
Conversation hit the two BIG points for lots of guys. He isn't gay, AND he was afraid that I wouldn't look good in person. Yes, the man who lied about his appearance and can't be bothered to put on proper pants was worried about how *I* looked. He noticed that I was only eating fries, and assumed it was on a diet. Oh.. did I mention that I had to pay for my own food.. I'm no princess, so I don't really care about paying my way on a date. I actually insist on it so the guy doesn't feel I'm obligated to sex him up later. But is IS nice to have the offer.
"Dinner" is finally over and I have a headache from a room full of screaming kids. We go to his place and get out of the car. He invites me up..more like expects me to follow him up. When he notices that I'm not following he turns around and.... makes it very clear he is expecting sex "now that we have that stuff out of the way... we can get down to business". He is greeted with an arched eyebrow and a frown as I head to the car.
He urges me to hurry because his GIRLFRIEND will be home in an hour and he wants to make sure we have enough time. He didn't mention a girlfriend before .. I ask about her. It seems that she is on her period and he wanted to get some sex, so called me.
And finally.. when I was clear I was getting into my car, not getting into his bed, and not at all pleased...he opened his wallet showing me a wad of cash. Pointed to the contents and then his crotch.
I have been on great dates with super guys, I've been on dates that just didn't go anywhere, I've been on dates where the guy insulted me or embarassed me.. I have never had such a completely bad date.. nothing was even "ok" .. it was stupid and pathetic and I could have used that time to paint my toenails or something...Just venting a bit and begging anyone who reads this.. don't be THAT guy.
Geekly Gurlz
The two of us posting under the name of rioTgirl first became friends by noting the common interests we share. Namely, comic books, Role-Playing Games, video games, geek-culture, stuff like that. I have noticed in my time online talking with other Trans* peeps of all stripes and gender identifications that LOTS of us share some or most of these interests. It could be the fact we are all online, and there is a higher concentration of dorks/nerds/geeks here - but I think there may be something else.
Looking at RPGs like Dungeons & Dragons, I know the idea of playing a different role (yes most often a female one) helped me to process through my identity. Like I was cross dressing, but only for pretend. I also think the urge to escape is very real for trans*people and what else would you call it when Yavandarra, Elf Warrior Maiden, smites an Orc horde?
One of my early defining moments in my trans identity was with my gaming group. I had made countless female characters in a variety of games. My buddies had actually started to make it a running joke. To show them I was just as capable of playing a male character, I rolled up a guy at the start of a new game. I played him for a few weeks correcting my fellow players' use of pronouns (they kept calling me "she" and "her") and finally in a fit of gender-fueled resignation ... jumped off a cliff, or I think actually threw a spear at a monster that exploded killing my very last boy character. It was cute that these guys, some of my best pals, couldn't see me playing a man. I think that gaming allowed me my outlet for my Trans identity. I have never played male in a video game if I had the choice - just never occurred to me really.
I also know that some of the first online groups were Trans discussion BBSs.. way back in the day. I know that some of the early people who developed the technology that gave us the Interweb were trans. How delightfully geekly is that??!!
Looking at RPGs like Dungeons & Dragons, I know the idea of playing a different role (yes most often a female one) helped me to process through my identity. Like I was cross dressing, but only for pretend. I also think the urge to escape is very real for trans*people and what else would you call it when Yavandarra, Elf Warrior Maiden, smites an Orc horde?
One of my early defining moments in my trans identity was with my gaming group. I had made countless female characters in a variety of games. My buddies had actually started to make it a running joke. To show them I was just as capable of playing a male character, I rolled up a guy at the start of a new game. I played him for a few weeks correcting my fellow players' use of pronouns (they kept calling me "she" and "her") and finally in a fit of gender-fueled resignation ... jumped off a cliff, or I think actually threw a spear at a monster that exploded killing my very last boy character. It was cute that these guys, some of my best pals, couldn't see me playing a man. I think that gaming allowed me my outlet for my Trans identity. I have never played male in a video game if I had the choice - just never occurred to me really.
I also know that some of the first online groups were Trans discussion BBSs.. way back in the day. I know that some of the early people who developed the technology that gave us the Interweb were trans. How delightfully geekly is that??!!
A Voice in the Wilderness
I was going to return the HUGE favor/compliment RiftGirl from BeingT paid us by mentioning this place on her blog. Before I settled in to write my gushing mess in an attempt to weave admiration, humor, and genuine respect for this amazing woman; I popped over to her blog and read some pretty disheartening stuff. First, some guy issues and an email from yet another clueless guy... then she was thinking about deleting the blog and her videos. My heart sank.
I was going to comment on her post, but figured I'd save the the drivel for here and not muck up her place....
RiftGirl, you are a role-model to transwomen and cisgendered people. The topics you write about, while often specific to the trans* experience, can easily be translated into any one's life. You apply humor and sarcasm to issues that are otherwise uncomfortable making them easily digestible. You educate rather than rant, you appeal rather than repel, and you clarify rather than complicate. Best of all, you inspired us to get off our collective asses and make this.
Sometimes I feel like I have been talking to myself, that people don't "get it". That people who should "get it" understand IT the least. If you do nothing more, you show some person having a trans identity crisis that they can live a life with dignity, trouble, heartache, love, joy and FRIENDS - just like everyone else.
It stinks being public as trans. It sets one up for that crazy combination platter of crap that's equal parts sexism, homophobia, and yer garden variety pig-ignorance. It takes as much strength to live authentically and openly and honestly as it does to transition (probably more).
RiftGirl - I barely know you, but you have made one hell of an impact on my life. For cripes sake..you read comic books!!!!!!!!
I was going to comment on her post, but figured I'd save the the drivel for here and not muck up her place....
RiftGirl, you are a role-model to transwomen and cisgendered people. The topics you write about, while often specific to the trans* experience, can easily be translated into any one's life. You apply humor and sarcasm to issues that are otherwise uncomfortable making them easily digestible. You educate rather than rant, you appeal rather than repel, and you clarify rather than complicate. Best of all, you inspired us to get off our collective asses and make this.
Sometimes I feel like I have been talking to myself, that people don't "get it". That people who should "get it" understand IT the least. If you do nothing more, you show some person having a trans identity crisis that they can live a life with dignity, trouble, heartache, love, joy and FRIENDS - just like everyone else.
It stinks being public as trans. It sets one up for that crazy combination platter of crap that's equal parts sexism, homophobia, and yer garden variety pig-ignorance. It takes as much strength to live authentically and openly and honestly as it does to transition (probably more).
RiftGirl - I barely know you, but you have made one hell of an impact on my life. For cripes sake..you read comic books!!!!!!!!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Pictures of "Him"
I keep a couple pictures of a man near my bed on the table. He is cute in an awkward teen kinda way. If you knew him you'd know the smiles were forced and if you look closely you can tell it never reached his eyes.
I keep these pictures, not because he is an ex-lover, or my first crush. I keep them to remind me why I did what I did. Both of these pictures were taken before my two suicide attempts. I have been living as a woman for a few years and I STILL have moments when I question everything I have done. The alienation of my parents, the loss of friends, the accusations from same that I was being selfish.
When I wonder if what I'm doing is right, or I get bogged down with how fucking hard this is ... I look at HIM. I wonder if any part of him would still be alive if I had not altered my body. I guess to save something of this cute funny quirky nerdy guy I had to visibly erase as much of him as I could.
I don't know if transition was the RIGHT thing to do. I feel it is the ONLY thing I can do.
I keep these pictures, not because he is an ex-lover, or my first crush. I keep them to remind me why I did what I did. Both of these pictures were taken before my two suicide attempts. I have been living as a woman for a few years and I STILL have moments when I question everything I have done. The alienation of my parents, the loss of friends, the accusations from same that I was being selfish.
When I wonder if what I'm doing is right, or I get bogged down with how fucking hard this is ... I look at HIM. I wonder if any part of him would still be alive if I had not altered my body. I guess to save something of this cute funny quirky nerdy guy I had to visibly erase as much of him as I could.
I don't know if transition was the RIGHT thing to do. I feel it is the ONLY thing I can do.
Guys Who Date Gals Like Me
I, like most Trans*women who date guys, often wonder what the hell those dudes are thinking. I'll rant on and on about past dates, and near dates, and things that may have been dates but got to pathetic to be called a "proper date" later (and then later and then even later I'm sure). What I'd like to do is give out information to my sisters. Things I have puzzled out and observed and have had clarified for me by *gasp* men who date gals like me.
Most men will see an image (probably pornographic) of a woman they find attractive who has a penis. Sometimes something "clicks" in their guy-brains and they develop an attraction or curiosity for women with a penis. For the majority of these guys the attraction stays firmly sexual and curious and pornographic.
Some men act on their curiosity and meet and date trans*women and come to admire us for our strength, determination, and character. They appreciate that we understand them intimately as guys (for good and bad) and also have an understanding of what it is to be women. The non-sexual "Best of Both Worlds".
Both types of men stumble in their attractions for us and say and do really stupid things. I think this is because WE get our gender. WE have therapists and support groups, and blogs, and a community. WE "get it" and we have some help "getting it". The guys, by virtue of being guys often feel alone and isolated and have to struggle to try to "get it". By the time he is willing and able to meet an honest to goddess trannie, she is probably well past Gender 101 and the guy is still auditing the course.
I notice that many of the questions guys ask or the flip side of what I asked myself. "Am I gay?" "What does this mean", "What is this called...", "what will people do if they find out?"
This doesn't excuse BS and rude behavior. But, it does give some insight. I'm leaning to a theory that says that there is a predisposition for some genetic men and women to like trans*women. Maybe it is another sexual orientation... hmmmm.. *pondering..*
Most men will see an image (probably pornographic) of a woman they find attractive who has a penis. Sometimes something "clicks" in their guy-brains and they develop an attraction or curiosity for women with a penis. For the majority of these guys the attraction stays firmly sexual and curious and pornographic.
Some men act on their curiosity and meet and date trans*women and come to admire us for our strength, determination, and character. They appreciate that we understand them intimately as guys (for good and bad) and also have an understanding of what it is to be women. The non-sexual "Best of Both Worlds".
Both types of men stumble in their attractions for us and say and do really stupid things. I think this is because WE get our gender. WE have therapists and support groups, and blogs, and a community. WE "get it" and we have some help "getting it". The guys, by virtue of being guys often feel alone and isolated and have to struggle to try to "get it". By the time he is willing and able to meet an honest to goddess trannie, she is probably well past Gender 101 and the guy is still auditing the course.
I notice that many of the questions guys ask or the flip side of what I asked myself. "Am I gay?" "What does this mean", "What is this called...", "what will people do if they find out?"
This doesn't excuse BS and rude behavior. But, it does give some insight. I'm leaning to a theory that says that there is a predisposition for some genetic men and women to like trans*women. Maybe it is another sexual orientation... hmmmm.. *pondering..*
Cue Thunder and Lightning
Dr Janice Raymond... a figure who has been blogged to death amongst Trans* bloggers and Radical Feminists. If you don't know about Dr Raymond and her impact on Trans* life in the US, I'll give some brief history.
In 1979 Janice Raymond, Professor of Women's Studies at the University of MA wrote "The Transsexual Empire: the making of the she-male". In this book she equates transitioning to rape... yes RAPE (as a Feminist, she knew full well the weight of that word). She further went on in her book to publicly "out" Sandy Stone, who worked for Olivia Records (a very important recording studio that is women-owned and operated .. seriously good important stuff happened and is happening with Olivia Records). Ms Raymond ultimately called for the termination of Ms Stone and under threat of a very real boycott, Olivia fired her. Ms Stone's gender status was known and until then a non-issue within Olivia Records.
As if this particular bit of personal mean-spirited attack on an individuals employment wasn't enough. Ms Raymond submitted a paper to Congress in the 1980's when the issue of support for SRS was being debated. Specifically, the issue as to whether Medicare/Medicaid should be used to assist with the costs of transitioning. Congress, with Ms Raymond's "research", decided that government medical assistance would not be used to fund SRS or HRT. Taking a cue from the government, insurance companies soon determined that they wouldn't cover these either. They went further and decided not not cover (in many cases) issues like Breast Cancer for Trans Women.
This has then (nice how things loop back) created a rather large group of women who cannot afford SRS or HRT, with no options but prostitution or porn to fund their transitioning. Since GD/GID isn't "real" enough for the government, it isn't "real" enough for most private employers either, TGs so often get fired - just because.
So.. I'm pissed.. I read ads looking for a "Hot Shemale" and not only do I see some guy who has no clue and no actual interest in my reality, or any other transwoman's reality.. I see that freaking word, part of that book that calls me a RAPIST and firmly set me in my place as only worth medical treatment if I could come up with tens of thousands of dollars in addition to a couple hundred each month for those pesky 'mones.
In 1979 Janice Raymond, Professor of Women's Studies at the University of MA wrote "The Transsexual Empire: the making of the she-male". In this book she equates transitioning to rape... yes RAPE (as a Feminist, she knew full well the weight of that word). She further went on in her book to publicly "out" Sandy Stone, who worked for Olivia Records (a very important recording studio that is women-owned and operated .. seriously good important stuff happened and is happening with Olivia Records). Ms Raymond ultimately called for the termination of Ms Stone and under threat of a very real boycott, Olivia fired her. Ms Stone's gender status was known and until then a non-issue within Olivia Records.
As if this particular bit of personal mean-spirited attack on an individuals employment wasn't enough. Ms Raymond submitted a paper to Congress in the 1980's when the issue of support for SRS was being debated. Specifically, the issue as to whether Medicare/Medicaid should be used to assist with the costs of transitioning. Congress, with Ms Raymond's "research", decided that government medical assistance would not be used to fund SRS or HRT. Taking a cue from the government, insurance companies soon determined that they wouldn't cover these either. They went further and decided not not cover (in many cases) issues like Breast Cancer for Trans Women.
This has then (nice how things loop back) created a rather large group of women who cannot afford SRS or HRT, with no options but prostitution or porn to fund their transitioning. Since GD/GID isn't "real" enough for the government, it isn't "real" enough for most private employers either, TGs so often get fired - just because.
So.. I'm pissed.. I read ads looking for a "Hot Shemale" and not only do I see some guy who has no clue and no actual interest in my reality, or any other transwoman's reality.. I see that freaking word, part of that book that calls me a RAPIST and firmly set me in my place as only worth medical treatment if I could come up with tens of thousands of dollars in addition to a couple hundred each month for those pesky 'mones.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
I have been looking at the legal requirements for changing one's sex. They vary from state to state, and I'll get into some specific requirements later. One thing that I have noticed and that is really bothering me is that in most state, and countries for that matter, the requirement to be legally officially recognized as a woman is to have SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery). The standards are different for transmen probably because surgical options are pretty limited.
What this does is create a class of woman who is kept from attaining the status that she is living. This impacts unfairly poor women, young women, old women, women with illnesses, and women of color. Not to mention women who don't mind or rather enjoy their penis.
This also creates another class of people, namely "mental health professionals", who have the right to deny a woman her legal status by denying her surgical intervention. I have heard so many stories of women who were denied SRS because they were "too old", or didn't "pass well", or didn't exhibit "qualities congruent with their target gender" - that is they didn't act like a hyper femme stereotypical woman.
Economics must be the motivation here. Since the people doing the gatekeeping KNOW that gender is a function of identity and not plumbing. The people who hold the surgical key charge soooooooooooooooo much for it. Really, it is time for our doctors and "care givers" to get off their collective asses and help us change these restrictions so that myself and my sisters can do things like get jobs and simply live our lives.
What this does is create a class of woman who is kept from attaining the status that she is living. This impacts unfairly poor women, young women, old women, women with illnesses, and women of color. Not to mention women who don't mind or rather enjoy their penis.
This also creates another class of people, namely "mental health professionals", who have the right to deny a woman her legal status by denying her surgical intervention. I have heard so many stories of women who were denied SRS because they were "too old", or didn't "pass well", or didn't exhibit "qualities congruent with their target gender" - that is they didn't act like a hyper femme stereotypical woman.
Economics must be the motivation here. Since the people doing the gatekeeping KNOW that gender is a function of identity and not plumbing. The people who hold the surgical key charge soooooooooooooooo much for it. Really, it is time for our doctors and "care givers" to get off their collective asses and help us change these restrictions so that myself and my sisters can do things like get jobs and simply live our lives.
Personal Stuff for Me!!
What a great idea, personal history. So T-girl #2.. sounds like the dating game (lol)..
I'm 27 and I have been living FT as a woman for 7 years.. more like 6 if you don't count that aweful first year. I was lucky, I figured my stuff out pretty darn early. I also remember dreading the mirror in the bathroom, shaving my beard the first time and being really depressed, being that scrawney little gay boy in gym class.
I went to college and because of my depression was assigned a councilor. We talked for a minute and she recommended that I attend the gay student group since I was "questioning my sexuality (HA!)". Lived mistakenly as a gay boy for a couple years and met a really great guy. He saw the girl I was trying to hide and gave me space to explore.
This is where I can honestly say I was blessed. He was 10 years older than I and had a really good job. Because of his job, I was able to work 2 jobs and put myself through school AND pay for transition. Since I didn't have to worry about bills, rent, food..you know living.
When I started to live authentically I lost my friends and my parents. I haven't spoken to ma and pa for 5 years. As far as they care I'm dead. I still have a REALLY good relationship with my older brothers and their wives. But I don't exist for the rest of the family. The last think my dad said to me was "Son, you WILL be one fucked-up looking woman".
Three years ago I finally saved enough to get some surgery done on my face. I had jaw contouring, trachea shave, eyes widened, and forehead contouring. I also had a chin implant. So long $50,000. I'm STILL paying the shit off and will be for ever. The results were amazing. We agreed that no personal photos would be posted (because guys get creepy over T-girls on the Internet), so no before/after pics here. It was honestly the best money I ever spent, even if I'm now wishing I had some of that back.
So, new face and budding boobs I was confidant. Graduated with my degree and my "husband" and I moved. We had a pretty open relationship because he traveled on his job and was a really horney guy - we had rules, and it was good mostly. Untill...
Last year he came home and wanted to talk. He had gotten a co-worker pregnant. That was totally against the rules (no sleping with people we both know, and always use a condom). Not only did he get her pregnant, he wanted to be a dad. That put me after 7 years to be either a mistress or single.
I moved in with my brother and haven't spoken to the ex in almost a year. I'm finding the dating scene to be pretty pathetic an I'm sure I'll comment on it. Let's just say 10 dates in the last year 3 actually had the balls to meet me, one assumed I was an escort, and two were allright but just didn't click.
I'm 27 and I have been living FT as a woman for 7 years.. more like 6 if you don't count that aweful first year. I was lucky, I figured my stuff out pretty darn early. I also remember dreading the mirror in the bathroom, shaving my beard the first time and being really depressed, being that scrawney little gay boy in gym class.
I went to college and because of my depression was assigned a councilor. We talked for a minute and she recommended that I attend the gay student group since I was "questioning my sexuality (HA!)". Lived mistakenly as a gay boy for a couple years and met a really great guy. He saw the girl I was trying to hide and gave me space to explore.
This is where I can honestly say I was blessed. He was 10 years older than I and had a really good job. Because of his job, I was able to work 2 jobs and put myself through school AND pay for transition. Since I didn't have to worry about bills, rent, food..you know living.
When I started to live authentically I lost my friends and my parents. I haven't spoken to ma and pa for 5 years. As far as they care I'm dead. I still have a REALLY good relationship with my older brothers and their wives. But I don't exist for the rest of the family. The last think my dad said to me was "Son, you WILL be one fucked-up looking woman".
Three years ago I finally saved enough to get some surgery done on my face. I had jaw contouring, trachea shave, eyes widened, and forehead contouring. I also had a chin implant. So long $50,000. I'm STILL paying the shit off and will be for ever. The results were amazing. We agreed that no personal photos would be posted (because guys get creepy over T-girls on the Internet), so no before/after pics here. It was honestly the best money I ever spent, even if I'm now wishing I had some of that back.
So, new face and budding boobs I was confidant. Graduated with my degree and my "husband" and I moved. We had a pretty open relationship because he traveled on his job and was a really horney guy - we had rules, and it was good mostly. Untill...
Last year he came home and wanted to talk. He had gotten a co-worker pregnant. That was totally against the rules (no sleping with people we both know, and always use a condom). Not only did he get her pregnant, he wanted to be a dad. That put me after 7 years to be either a mistress or single.
I moved in with my brother and haven't spoken to the ex in almost a year. I'm finding the dating scene to be pretty pathetic an I'm sure I'll comment on it. Let's just say 10 dates in the last year 3 actually had the balls to meet me, one assumed I was an escort, and two were allright but just didn't click.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Personal Stuff
I'm one of the authors of this blog - I'm the one who just started to transition. My idea for this is to document my transition as far as I decide to go. Throw out some of my observations and maybe tell some jokes along the way.
Growing up I always identified with women. I wished I WAS a woman. Actually I really thought I was a little girl for a long time. Puberty set in, and my god!! there was no denying I wasn't physically female. I also REALLY liked guys. So over the years I just identified as a super-duper sissy gay guy.
I have a partner and we have been together for 12 years. Everything was pretty swell until last summer. I had a serious depression and very nearly suicidal thoughts because for as long as I can remember I simply hated my body. Not like specific parts, but the whole thing. I avoided mirrors and showers were as quick as I could make them. Sex was never ever done with the lights on and usually I kept as many clothes on as I could.
I was so depressed that I decided to get some help from a therapist. I always related to women, particularly lesbians so I looked for a lesbian therapist. I found a woman whose focus is body image and GLBT issues. I figured she was a good match.
Part of my image problem was I really hated being such a femme gay guy. Images and expectations within the gay male community hold the most masculine as the goal and the more "femme" as comic relief. I mentioned in passing that I probably had some gender issues when I called my therapist the first time.
A nice bit of synergy happened. I met some fantastic trans women online and listened to them and my own feelings. There was a calm where I had anxiety. Gender became the topic of discussion in therapy for many weeks. The label of Transsexual fits.. like a glove. So now what?
Well, I have a relationship with a gay man - he loves the look of a man. He respects who I am and how I see myself and always has. He just resists and becomes anxious about any physical changes while at the same time respecting and honoring my internal identity.
After accepting the label of Transgendered, I dove into all the information I could find. I know about hormones, and genital surgery, and facial surgery. I became overwhelmed by all this. The stuff that was supposed to lessen my anxiety only increased it.
Then the epiphany... I don't HAVE to do ANYTHING. My identity is secure, I am and have always identified as female. I currently present as male because it makes my partner's life easier, and simple economics. Transitioning is expensive particularly when you do it in middle age.
Will I ever live full-time as a woman? I don't know. What I do know is after figuring out the root of my body image and taking small steps to correct my perceptions of myself I am finally at ease with my body. After finally determining that transition has to happen on my terms and on my schedule I am less anxious about the future.
Growing up I always identified with women. I wished I WAS a woman. Actually I really thought I was a little girl for a long time. Puberty set in, and my god!! there was no denying I wasn't physically female. I also REALLY liked guys. So over the years I just identified as a super-duper sissy gay guy.
I have a partner and we have been together for 12 years. Everything was pretty swell until last summer. I had a serious depression and very nearly suicidal thoughts because for as long as I can remember I simply hated my body. Not like specific parts, but the whole thing. I avoided mirrors and showers were as quick as I could make them. Sex was never ever done with the lights on and usually I kept as many clothes on as I could.
I was so depressed that I decided to get some help from a therapist. I always related to women, particularly lesbians so I looked for a lesbian therapist. I found a woman whose focus is body image and GLBT issues. I figured she was a good match.
Part of my image problem was I really hated being such a femme gay guy. Images and expectations within the gay male community hold the most masculine as the goal and the more "femme" as comic relief. I mentioned in passing that I probably had some gender issues when I called my therapist the first time.
A nice bit of synergy happened. I met some fantastic trans women online and listened to them and my own feelings. There was a calm where I had anxiety. Gender became the topic of discussion in therapy for many weeks. The label of Transsexual fits.. like a glove. So now what?
Well, I have a relationship with a gay man - he loves the look of a man. He respects who I am and how I see myself and always has. He just resists and becomes anxious about any physical changes while at the same time respecting and honoring my internal identity.
After accepting the label of Transgendered, I dove into all the information I could find. I know about hormones, and genital surgery, and facial surgery. I became overwhelmed by all this. The stuff that was supposed to lessen my anxiety only increased it.
Then the epiphany... I don't HAVE to do ANYTHING. My identity is secure, I am and have always identified as female. I currently present as male because it makes my partner's life easier, and simple economics. Transitioning is expensive particularly when you do it in middle age.
Will I ever live full-time as a woman? I don't know. What I do know is after figuring out the root of my body image and taking small steps to correct my perceptions of myself I am finally at ease with my body. After finally determining that transition has to happen on my terms and on my schedule I am less anxious about the future.
Words to Love By
I so love to read the personal ads. It's a guilty pleasure of mine and a point of shame until figured out everyone I know reads them too. I particularly love to read the ads of guys looking for T-gals... who knows, maybe I'll find love (HA!).
What strikes me are the two most common requirements from men for T-gals.
1) Fully Functional
2) 100% Passable
OK, I have NO ISSUE with guys/gals/?? liking particular "types". We all have physical qualifications for our partners. We all have sexual desires and needs and a fantasy or two. I get all that. The thing is, I don't ever read ads for "Smart Trans-Lady who can hold a conversation". It's always " Seeking TV/TS with fully functional cock. MUST be cute and TOTALLY Passable."
The "P" word.. let's look at that one...
To the guy I'm sure he's thinking "Passable" means "Looks like a pretty woman". He has visions of Trans porn and the women who populate his fantasy life.
To a Trans woman, "Passable" means "I look enough like an average woman that I don't get laughed at in the mall by teen aged boys, I can shop for clothes at Target and actually use the changing room, the waiter will apologize when he mistakenly calls me 'sir'".
What happens on a date?
"Passable" becomes an impossible qualification for even attractive genetic women to meet. Every aspect of our face, body (damn those hands and feet), mannerisms, likes and dislikes, our sneezes and coughs and walk and laugh are all held to the strictest of gender-based ideals. If there is ANY variation from the strict ideal of "Feminine" the guy has his out and often a dig at us on his way out..
"You were a good lay, and you are cute.... buuuut I can still kinda see the guy in you. No offence, but I'll be going now."
"Passing" goes from something we try to do so we don't get our asses kicked; to a brand new unattainable standard of beauty reserved only for transwomen. I read comments from guys looking at pictures of "Shemale" porn stars and even THEY aren't passing enough. Passing becomes our own appendix to the beauty myth and a way for the men who date us to be cowards and blame it on us.
What strikes me are the two most common requirements from men for T-gals.
1) Fully Functional
2) 100% Passable
OK, I have NO ISSUE with guys/gals/?? liking particular "types". We all have physical qualifications for our partners. We all have sexual desires and needs and a fantasy or two. I get all that. The thing is, I don't ever read ads for "Smart Trans-Lady who can hold a conversation". It's always " Seeking TV/TS with fully functional cock. MUST be cute and TOTALLY Passable."
The "P" word.. let's look at that one...
To the guy I'm sure he's thinking "Passable" means "Looks like a pretty woman". He has visions of Trans porn and the women who populate his fantasy life.
To a Trans woman, "Passable" means "I look enough like an average woman that I don't get laughed at in the mall by teen aged boys, I can shop for clothes at Target and actually use the changing room, the waiter will apologize when he mistakenly calls me 'sir'".
What happens on a date?
"Passable" becomes an impossible qualification for even attractive genetic women to meet. Every aspect of our face, body (damn those hands and feet), mannerisms, likes and dislikes, our sneezes and coughs and walk and laugh are all held to the strictest of gender-based ideals. If there is ANY variation from the strict ideal of "Feminine" the guy has his out and often a dig at us on his way out..
"You were a good lay, and you are cute.... buuuut I can still kinda see the guy in you. No offence, but I'll be going now."
"Passing" goes from something we try to do so we don't get our asses kicked; to a brand new unattainable standard of beauty reserved only for transwomen. I read comments from guys looking at pictures of "Shemale" porn stars and even THEY aren't passing enough. Passing becomes our own appendix to the beauty myth and a way for the men who date us to be cowards and blame it on us.
June is Gay Pride
It used to be GLBT Pride (Gay, Lesbian, Bi, and Trans) but lately I haven't been feeling the love from the G and the L (probably too much love from the B..but anyway). It is been blogged to death about the ENDA and the removal of gender identity by Barney (openly gay) Frank (D MA) so that a version could pass that included sexual orientation. So I won't get into that mess right now.
What I will get into is the reaction to the reaction of Transfolks by Gay and Lesbian bloggers. Lots of support has been shown, and lots of national and local groups with held support for the non-trans version of the bill (hooray!). But, what I hear from friends and have read online leads me to believe that the support for trans people isn't really there. That is, gay folks seem more than happy to toss me and mine overboard so they can get theirs.
"Well, they don't have a place in the movement anyway"
"They need to get their panties untwisted"
"Drag Queens are the worst part of the gay movement"
"Maybe we should have two movements one for 'normal gays' and one for the trannies and queers"
Just a few things I have heard or read posted about.
Unfortunately, the Gay Movement IS the Trans Movement. Remember Stonewall? You know the proverbial "spark" that defined the modern movement. That was a bunch of Drag Queens who were not white, not wealthy, and not "straight acting". The Homophile movement was happening at the same time using the old "we are just like you" approach (the one that ultimately seems to have worked). It was, however, a bunch of DQs, Trannies, Butch Dykes, hookers, sissies, and gender variant people who got pissed and started a riot. This got the nation's attention and got the dialogue started in living rooms across the country. A bunch of gay guys and femmed up lesbians picketing the White House wasn't doing it.
Even further back, it was the "obviously gay/lesbian" (read non-gender conforming) person who was leading the charge for equality - because they HAD TO.
So, remember the next time you want to grumble about how bad it is that the DQs get the news cameras, or those uppity trannies are trying to ruin it all by pushing their selfish agenda. It was the uppity trannies and the flashy DQs who made it so you could gather in your cute gay bar and not have to pay the Mafia for the privilege. So, yeah.. lets put the "T" back.
What I will get into is the reaction to the reaction of Transfolks by Gay and Lesbian bloggers. Lots of support has been shown, and lots of national and local groups with held support for the non-trans version of the bill (hooray!). But, what I hear from friends and have read online leads me to believe that the support for trans people isn't really there. That is, gay folks seem more than happy to toss me and mine overboard so they can get theirs.
"Well, they don't have a place in the movement anyway"
"They need to get their panties untwisted"
"Drag Queens are the worst part of the gay movement"
"Maybe we should have two movements one for 'normal gays' and one for the trannies and queers"
Just a few things I have heard or read posted about.
Unfortunately, the Gay Movement IS the Trans Movement. Remember Stonewall? You know the proverbial "spark" that defined the modern movement. That was a bunch of Drag Queens who were not white, not wealthy, and not "straight acting". The Homophile movement was happening at the same time using the old "we are just like you" approach (the one that ultimately seems to have worked). It was, however, a bunch of DQs, Trannies, Butch Dykes, hookers, sissies, and gender variant people who got pissed and started a riot. This got the nation's attention and got the dialogue started in living rooms across the country. A bunch of gay guys and femmed up lesbians picketing the White House wasn't doing it.
Even further back, it was the "obviously gay/lesbian" (read non-gender conforming) person who was leading the charge for equality - because they HAD TO.
So, remember the next time you want to grumble about how bad it is that the DQs get the news cameras, or those uppity trannies are trying to ruin it all by pushing their selfish agenda. It was the uppity trannies and the flashy DQs who made it so you could gather in your cute gay bar and not have to pay the Mafia for the privilege. So, yeah.. lets put the "T" back.
Who are We?
We are two friends who met online and found that while we have really different lives and pasts we share so many of the same feelings interests and observations. One of us is in a relationship and just starting to transition while one of us has been living full-time as a woman since she was 20/21 and is hopelessly single.
Our goal is to blend our stories and points of view to create an insightful, sometimes confusing, probably conflicting, but usually funny view of what it is to be transgendered in America. We won't tag our posts because we want to show that while we all have a different history, our lives are all pretty much the same.
Our goal is to blend our stories and points of view to create an insightful, sometimes confusing, probably conflicting, but usually funny view of what it is to be transgendered in America. We won't tag our posts because we want to show that while we all have a different history, our lives are all pretty much the same.
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