"Things" Update

I got off the phone with Amanda. The rapist was our friend's ex (I'll call her "C") and her current is still MIA. She will not be pressing charges. Her reasons being that she is "stealth" and has a history of sex work. The media and law are hardly friendly to either Trans* women or ex-sex workers. She would rather avoid any potential attention to herself than she has to. Also, her father is a pastor in a nearby church, and she doesn't want to shame him.

The officers at the hospital talked with C's neighbor when she was admitted. After a while the doctor came out and spoke to the police (and probably disclosed C's status). After this point I understand the officer's tone changed. They went from being concerned to being rather aloof with the neighbor. Amanda tells me that part of C's decision not to press charges was the questioning by the officers when she woke up.

** Here is where I'm going to interject**

First of all, if I had the bastard's picture his face would be plastered all over this blog and mailed to everyone I know. How is it that she doesn't want to press charges?? I understand the reasons, and I support her decision - but I don't like it at all!!! Rape is statistically the least reported crime, more so if the survivor is Gay or Trans*. This sends a message to the rapist that we are easy targets - they can violate us with no repercussions. particularly in the case with SO abuse, they are creeps who already feel that we are obligated to protect them based on our relationship with them (past or present).

As far as bringing shame on the family... that's hard. I understand this also. Especially if the relationship with the family is strained. But... Uah! I'm just too angry to type.

Just when things were looking good

I just got off the phone with my friend Amanda. Her ex room mate and best friend (and friend of mine) is in the hospital. I'll leave out names because I don't know if she would appreciate this post. She was taken to the hospital early Sat morning by her neighbor - she was raped... she was probably raped by either her ex or her current boyfriend (I guess both have gone missing).

Without getting graphic, her jaw is bruised and fractured, she has a gash on the back of her head, and bruising on her legs and arms. Her anus was bleeding when she was admitted. The most startling thing from the sound of Amanda's voice when she told me is the severe bruising of her breasts. Amanda described that it looked like the guy used her breasts to keep her in submission. I didn't ask for more details, and frankly don't need any more.

This news has hit me like a hammer. I think I'm calling off the whole looking for "Mr Right" because I don't think he is real. When will I hear that a friend of mine is with some great guy? Some guy who doesn't try to control her or hit her? Some guy who considers it cheating to screw around on his T-girl friend.

Current Video Game Fave..

OK OK, it isn't new or anything like that, but it is still in my XBox 360 on heavy rotation. Dead Rising is just a lovely gem of a game combining two things this gal loves. Namely, killing zombies and shopping all in a delightfully bloody, creative, and ultimately frightening way.

It's no secret amongst my friends that zombies scare the heck out of me. I have an evacuation plan that involves an off shore oil rig and everything in the event of a Zombie outbreak. Zombies seriously freak me out!! that's probably why I'm still playing this pesky game (and haven't finished it yet). I get so scared, I end up panicking and losing my cool, and become zombie-chow.

One delightful aspect of the game is the outfits. That's right, between killing zombie hordes you get to try on clothes! Even a cute little sundress for our cross dressing gaymerz. You play a big burly guy (the kind these rioTgirls LOVE to LOVE) so watching his wield a chainsaw in a dress provides hours of fun for the whole family - until I remember I'm against zombies and lose my shit.

The Mysterious Missing Date

I was online chatting with a bunch of my Trans* friends that other evening. We are a group of gals from literally all over the world, but mainly the US/Canada and the UK - but with gals from Mexico, Japan, Australia, on and on..

What prompted this discussion was the missing date of one of our number. Our friend "J" had gotten all dressed up to meet a guy who had literally HOUNDED her a month - daily - to go out with him. On the fateful night of the date, he was MIA. The surprising thing to me was how NOT surprised any of us were. Not a one. We were comforting, and ego-boosting, and well friends. But we weren't shocked.

Each and every one of us all over the world with the exception of three gals (2 transitioned and maintained a relationship, one works as an escort/porn star) had well over a 50% no-show rate on dates this summer. It is so common that we are frakkin' SURPRISED when a guy manages to show up - THAT becomes news. ALL of us make alternate plans, make sure we have money to cover our dinner (even if the guy promised it would be his treat), and the thing that surprised me, I'm not the only one who carries a book in her purse to have something to do waiting for dude to show up. Actually, "dude" is a poor choice of words, because it really isn't better for my trans-Lesbian friends either.

I get it that being stood up isn't a "trans" thing, or even a "woman" thing. Thing is, I don't know any other group with such an abysmal rate of no-shows as tranny-chasers or chaser wannabes. When called out and being honest (not making some lame excuse) it's always "you don't know how frightening this is" or some such.. or guys making the excuse that it "takes time/courage". I'm a sensitive gal, I try to understand. My patience and understanding is running thin because it's so damn ...common. Like it's part of the Tranny Datng Game, and fooking EXPECTED.

My friends and I have begun exchanging names/online handles for guys who stand us up. These guys are on a list - no tranny-lovin' for joo!!!

Dark Knight

I went with my partner and a good friend to see Dark Knight last evening. Nothing really amazing during the film. I loved it, but loved the trailer for Watchmen more. My only complaint during DK was Chriasian Bale's voice. When he is Batman, he talks in a more husky voice. The issue is Mr Bale has a bit of a lisp - cute as Bruce Wayne (of if he decided to call me and ask me out) but with the near whisper as Batman, it became difficult to understand him some times.

Heath Ledger (RIP) was great as a truely disturbing Joker. Every look and gesture was on the mark as far as I could see. From smoothing his hair, to the way he licked his lips combined with the dialogue to make the character more menacing and oddly more human.

Not much in the way of plot twists or surprises. Each plot and sub plot had the expected resolution. The gem was character development for me, mostly regarding the supporting characters.

Good Help is Hard to Find

I feel truly lucky that I found my Therapist. I went to her for a host of non-trans stuff (that ended up being HIGHLY trans-related stuff) like body-image, self-esteem, and an almost debilitating anxiety. She has been most helpful in my transition mainly because her primary focus isn't transitioning.

Her focus is on getting her clients in a position where they are most comfortable with their own body. If that means diet, or refraiming how we look at a specific body part, or looking at the ways we are made to feel imperfect, or making surgical changes. She has and had clients with GID/GD so it isn't like she is unfamiliar with the issues.

My therapist has helped me to start to love the body I currently posses, so that I can love the body I posses regardless of what changes I opt for the future. No pressure to do anything or OT to do anything. It was her help that allowed me my most helpful epiphany...

I don't HAVE to change anything. I only need to change things I want to change. My friends and family all to one degree or another know I'm trans, they accept this as fact and aren't dependant on visual cues to affirm my gender.

Some days I get so bogged down with transitioning - the costs (both emotional and economic) and how I'm going to do what "needs" done. But really, I am lucky - I have love and respect and understanding just because!

Dirty Pool

http://dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com/2008/07/mtf-mtws-and-their-perpetual-male.html

dirt is at it again:

Something that needs far more serious attention is the Mt"w"'s perpetual need to shove their "cocks" in womens spaces. And it makes absolutely no difference to them (Mt"w"s) whether that cock is a healthy functioning cock or a largely, or should I say tiny non functioning cock mutilated by the ME.

I'm curious how the assessment of various body parts to determining legitimacy for womanhood would be taken by dirt if the woman in question was cis? "She ain't no real chick, her tits are too small."

This is an issue that regardless of when the ME realizes its harmful "treatment" of trannyism, will not go away. This is an issue of male privilege plain and simple. Whether men suffering from a major mental disorder or the average Joe in the street, 30+ years after feminism and men STILL rightfully believe they should have access to every space on the planet, and under current patriarchal regimes they do!

Firstly, operating on the assumption that GID is a purely mental/emotional "disorder" I don't see any qualifications (aside from opinion and having a huge hate-on for trannies) for an informed critique of the treatment of GD/GID. I don't want to get into the whole biological aspect of this, but we all know that many things that were considered purely psychological "disorders" have been found to have physical causes.


But strictly speaking of the trannyism male privileged realm, these men disordered though they may be do not, will not and cannot relinquish the male privilege with which they were ALL born and raised! And really who can blame them even if this was something (which it is not btw) they could logically choose to disown?

People of color don't actually suffer from racism, I know this because white people told me so. How the hell can she make any sort of statement as to the way transitioned women experience power dynamics? I know, by erasing and denying the lived experiences of transwomen. If Transwomen benefited from male privilege then why are so many of us unemployed or under employed? Why are so many of us attacked and killed? Why are so many of us limited in the resources we may need as a result of being poor and physically assaulted? It would be nice to get some of the perks that comes with male privilege.

There are two issues that go hand in glove here; one being disorder males using their male privielge to insert themselves into women only spaces, they other more important issue being the women conditioned to allow it! It is the glove here that will remain the problem long after trannyism has been dismantled and no longer exists!

Women understanding, or trying to understand the position of Trans*women are somehow not smart enough to get past "conditioning"? What an elitist load of crap. It should be noted that this was in response to someone ASKING about a woman-born-woman policy of a website, and the site admin taking suggestions about the issue. If curiosity is the same as "males using their male privilege to insert.." then I guess mayby life DOES being with "hey ya wanna?"

Which is why women today need to wake up, assert their unique female strengths and womanhood and protect what is inherently theirs while there is still time and woman spaces left to protect!

I just want to know if this is the constructionist dirt posting or the essentialist dirt posting this,. She does love to contradict herself and be intellectually dishonest in her arguments.

Legion Hotties

I'm reading the latest reboot of the good old Legion of Super Heroes (LSH). Back in the day this was the book that got me reading comics. Because of this title, my main focus has always been on team titles like the X-Men, Justice League, Avengers etc.

Forming in the proto-erotic world of a young rioTgirl were images of Cosmic Boy, Timber Wolf, and Ultra Boy.. throw in a little Mon-El and you have a something that will probably make me faint.

T-Geekyness

Lately we have been posting stuff about Feminism, and dating, and transitioning. But, like most people we are so much more. I'd like to do a non-trans article about the men in comic books that make me all swooney...

Power Boy - Creepy SuperGirl stalker that he was, and parody of the gratuitously busty Power Girl aside. He was HAWT!!! Pictured top center this was the last appearance of the dreamy Power Boy before he was killed... sad sad day indeed.

I Pass

Lately, the fact that I an and do pass as a woman within my age-group has become a dating nightmare. Now, I don't want this to come off as a "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" type of post. Seriously, I'm not THAT vain - nor do I put that much stock in my looks. But, I DO get attention from men and women who don't know or don't date trans-women. I also get LOTS of attention from guys who do "date" girls like me. Particularly on the Internet dating sites I frequent.

The fact that I pass coupled with the fact that I'm comfortable and open about my status severely limits my ability to date. I have gone to straight clubs and have had guys trying to pick me up. My need for honesty compells me to disclose my status, not on the second or third date - but at "May I buy you a drink?" A couple ass-whuppings later, and I don't go out without an escort who can and will help me defend myself. Because I'm not comfortable with putting someone I like at risk, I just don't go out.

Online affords me the ability to to meet guys and not have to disclose anything about my history. Since that bit is taken care of for me by the sites. I get my share of curious guys, married guys, dudes with a fetish, etc. What I also get are guys who come across as complete gentlemen. They are (oddly) impressed that I'm smart and witty and tell me that those are the qualities they are looking for. The email and chat exchanges and phone calls eventually start to get more serious. These guys are seemingly looking for a girl-friend and they think I'm "the one". Each and every one of them fails for one of more of the following reasons:

1) They mention "You look like a girl, not a guy in a dress" - I dig that people like what they like, but I USED TO LOOK LIKE A GUY IN A DRESS. That and once I'm out as trans, I get considered a guy in a frikking dress.

2) They don't want to know anything about my past living as a guy. - I did some cool stuff as a guy, and I won't erase part of my history to ease someone's sense of sexual identity.

3) They expect me to be stealth. - I'm openly Trans, no shame, no regrets. While I have no interest in being the Tranny spokes-model, I won't lie or edit.

4) They throw in words like "Dirty Secret" or "My friends won't know what you are hiding". It's like the one above, but has a really creepy sexual vibe. This normally comes out like "You'll be my dirty little secret. I can't wait to have my friends see you and how pretty you are. They'll have no idea that when we get home I'll be playing with your _________". ICKY!!!!

At this point, I'm talking to a really nice guy. He's sweet and kind and educated. I don't know if he likes ME or the idea of ME. I never know until I have invested something in a relationship emotionally and end up feeling like crap.

I also know that I get treated so much better by the guys out there than some of my sisters. While I have gotten called a "fag with tits" more than I can count when I turn a guy down, guys usually go the extra mile to treat me well while wooing me. I have started editing my profiles to remove face pics because I realy want to be sure that guys are liking the strong, semi-independant, silly, nerdy, uptight, cranky, smart, funny chyck that I have become. Not a face that looks like a "beautiful 'normal' girl with something extra" (as a number of my emails tend to start off).

Turning a Critical Eye to "The Community"

I'm not sure how this happens, but it does in every marginalized group of people. A group will compare itself to the majority culture and, in an attempt to gain acceptance, try to comply with the affectations of that culture.

I was with a good friend of mine, a natal woman who is back and sports some lovely long dreadlocks. We were waiting for the bus with a couple of other African-American women who were giving my friend ye olde "stink eye". One turned to the other and said "At least I can pass for white". My friend turned around and sad "Until you open that ghetto-ass mouth". I was ready for a throw-down (without Bobby Flay), but no fisti-cuffs resulted.

This got me thinking about some conversations I have been having in various online forums, and some I have been avoiding all together. The invisible, whispered, apparent divisions within the M2F Trans community. At the top you have the gals who have had SRS, or are just about to do so. Then you have a stratification of women who move up or down based on their either their surgical status, or INTENDED surgical status. The lowly "non-op" gal is at the bottom, regardless of her reasons, and piled high with assumptions by the gal who were able to shell out the cash for the switcheroo.

Then you have, like our snotty gals at the bus stop, the women who can "pass for woman". Knowing as I do that nobody passes ALL the time, the ones who can reasonably pass MOST of the time are the prize. Both for the guys who date us, and for our community. Passing is important for personal peace of mind and safety. We rioTgirls are in two different places regarding "passing" and our experiences vary GREATLY based on this fact. Particularly regarding our interactions within the Trans Community (including guys/gals who date within the community).

My issue isn't SRS, or Passing, or the women who do either or both. My issue is the establishment of authority to determine authenticity based on either criteria. Rather than embrace the full spectrum of gender variant people, the SRS crowd want to make THEIR goal everyone's. The reality is, body modification MUST be done with an end to anxiety as a goal - the goal NEEDS to be self-comfort and nothing more. If SRS is what makes someone feel complete, ROCK OUT!! Save that cash and book your hospital stay. If it isn't, then you shouldn't be made to feel like a fetishist, or a cross dresser, or a whore - unless you adopt those descriptors for yourself.

**This is where I personal opinion comes in, and it is just that OPINION***
Passing, is IMO more important than a vagina. The face gives more clues to gender than a bulge in the skirt. On the other hand, obsessing over "passability" is the surest way NOT to pass - you will NEVER pass as well as you want to. It's part of the beauty myth that there is an ideal body/face/personality - don't buy into it beyond your own comfort levels. If you use personal comfort as your guide, rather than measurements of your skull vs. those of an average woman's skull as your guide, your quest for passability will be comforting rather than anxious.

Unlike my friend, I'd never tell a "passing woman" that her actions betray her history. I'd also like to come to a point within our community where surgical status, how contoured our forehead is, or any other artificial qualifications are non-issues. Heck, I'd like to see the day where a guy with a beard to his knees can claim a Trans*identity and feel no compulsion to modify is body to find acceptance within the Trans community. Acceptance within the greater community will likely take much longer...

Trans Misogyny

Poking around the Interweb lately I came upon a question about Trans-Misogyny and if women, even Feminist women could be trans-misogynist. Now, I'm not in Academia, I'm just a grrrl trying to make it in the big bad wrrrld. I do have my own understanding of this topic though.

Trans-Misogyny is the particular way misogyny is applied to Trans*folk. The easiest example is the double-bind trans*women are in with respect to how we present ourselves. A T-gal who wears makeup, skirts, lace, has long painted nails, and a hair-do is "trying to hard". A T-gal who has short hair, little or no makeup, a button-down shirt "may as well have remained a man". It's a take off of the Beauty Myth and "male gaze" that Feminists are familiar with - but used to discount our identity as women. The "perfect middle ground" doesn't exist for us we are either "making a mockery of womon" or we are not trying hard enough.

It also plays out in how we act. It a T-gal is demure, and soft-spoken, and likes to cook and garden, and take on a traditional woman's role in a relationship, she is reinforcing the gender binary. If a TG is loud, vocal in expressing herself, stands up for what she believes she is using her "male privilege" or has "male energy".

It isn't so much that Trans-Misogyny is worse or easier than anything. It is a term used to show how the tools of oppression are used specifically to keep transwomen in their places.

Anti-Trans Feminists

I promised to show some feminists who were anti-trans and it didn't take long while reading about the Michigan Womyn's Music Fest policy to find dirtywhiteboi. She's a self proclaimed Butch Lesbian who seem to have an axe to grind against trans* folks. Her focus seems to be transmen, but she an equal opportunity hater. To be fair, her blog is:

www.dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com/

In her posts on a michfest discussion board, as well as her own blog, she has a tendency to post a comment and refuse to answer any challenges or requests for research to verify her claims. Perfect way to re frame and discount the lived experiences of people without being called out. Using her cis privilege to tell trans people what they are (diseased, narcissistic, delusional) without the uncomfortable need to view reactions or facts.

Her tactics are those of the Religious Right. Her blog is full of convenient snippets from Trans Blogs, LiveJournals, and discussion boards devoid of their proper context. She then, oh so joyfully ads her own comments, observations, and critiques.. because we all know that a cis womon is better able to tell a Trans*person what is going on in their life.

Unfortunately, she contradicts herself: (Note: I'd link to the specific article, but the pictures are a bit more risque than I'm currently comfortable showing - it's from June 26 2008 though)


"I seriously dont know which one is worse, granny on top thinking cuz she sprouted a few chinny chin chin hairs (gran? srly shave that shit) after going through "the change" she's a man, or Heart on the bottom thinking nobody knows he's not a man! HELLO! I always had my suspicions about Heart, (even battered women dont hate men that much) but that pic clinches it for me! If Heart isnt a fucking bio male I'll eat someones hat!(dirt doesnt do hats-that pesky ear sticking out issue)."

This is shown with two pictures, one of an assumed transman (or perhaps particularly butch womon) and another of an assumed cis femme who is thin and has a pronounced Adam's apple. Now DWB - you moron.. which is it - do physical traits make gender or not??? If "chin hairs" are not a determining factor to someones gender/sex identity, why question someones gender/sex identity due to the existence of a visible Adam's apple?? Both are incorrectly applied to men only. But I guess they only matter when you can make a dig on someone to erase their identity as a man, or use transsexualism as a means to questions someones biological history as a womon. Really affirming of body image there DWB - you go!!

There is soooo much to pick apart here.. so so so much. I just want to leave with two things. DWB's identity is secure as a Butch Lesbian. She can claim that identity because her life has shown that to be correct. It wasn't so long ago that Lesbianism was viewed as a mental disease, and even a form of Narcissism... "Female Inversion" was the popular term in the 20's-40's. But now, DWB can correctly claim "That her identity is a born identity".. she doesn't seem to afford Trans* people that luxury. Yes, luxury..her cis privileged allows her to minimise, re frame, other, discount, ignore the realities of being Trans while at the same time railing against Misogyny and the gender binary. It must have been a happy day when this Butch Dyke found someone else to take a crap on.

Birthday

Yes today I celebrate my birth. No, I won't tell how old I am. I'll use this time to reflect on friends and perhaps unplug (ok ok turn on vibrate) the phone. I have nothing planned today and I like it that way.

Ask Tranny

Well, it seems that we have a question from one of the guys...

" I'm thinking about going out with a T-girl. I met "her" online and "she" seems pretty nice. My first question is - does this mean I'm gay? Second question - do I use guy or girl words when talking to them?

I hope these questions aren't stupid. I really think I'm interested in this person and don't want to seem like a jerk. "

(name not printed)


Dear J,

The first thing that struck me was the use of quotations around female pronouns. Since I noticed this, and you are asking about pronouns, I'll address this first. With a Transsexual woman, you should use the pronouns that fit her gender identity. This can get tricky if you are dating a Cross Dresser or Transvestite who live mostly as a man and identify as a man with a "feminine side" that needs expressed. In the latter case, take your cues from your date. If you are going out with a TS who is living full time or planning to live FT as a woman, there is no reason to use "he" or "him" when referring to your date. In fact, doing so would generally be quite insulting.

As far as dealing with the history of your date, again take your cue from her. Some gals go to great lengths to hide there history and erase all signs that they were born male. Some gals are quite comfortable about their history. In either case bringing it up in public is poor form and can be dangerous for both of you.

The first question is probably the #1 question for guys who date gals like me. The best thing I can say is : It really shouldn't matter. The answer is going to be murky and depends on your point of view. If you view a trans* woman as a woman, then you probably aren't gay. If you view her as a man with boobs, then you might be gay. Or you may not, since self-identification is what is important. As far as society goes, lots of people will think you are gay for dating a T-gal.

Ultimately, the answer to the gay question is one of personal understanding. Dating a T-gal isn't gay in a traditional way (gay guys don't go for us) - but it isn't exactly hetero either (especially if your gal has a pee pee)

The Sound of Music

It is summer and as the weather heats up so does the debate about the Michigan Womyn's Music Fest (MWMF).. or The Fest by those who attend. This is a week long camping trip in Michigan on a plot of land owned by the organizers of the fest - lovingly called "The Land" (ok ok ok "The Fest" and "The Land" not really clever naming going on, but the amazing ways vowels are used in the words "woman" brings a tear to the eye). The time is spent in an all womon environment amongst womyn supporting womon-owned businesses and listening to Womyn's Music. All 100% supported and maintained by the fest-goers (Festies). I FULLY support women supporting eachother, community buiulding, and even the idea of "wimin-only spaces".

The snag comes into play with a policy of MWMF ... the Fest is open to "Womon-born-wimin". That is.. no trannies pre/post op legally or otherwise. If you weren't born XX - or Intersex and RAISED AS A GIRL, Michigan would prefer you not attend. The bit about being raised as a girl is important. Being raised a boy imparts some level of priviledge (wanted or not, observed or not) that being raised a girl does not. Giving up that preferred status does not give away a history of being better treated.

So, Michigan doesn't want TGs. A group of Transwomen have set up a protest cam called Camp Trans (ok, so our naming conventions suck too) right across the road for the Festival's main gate. They protest exclusion and try to educate the Festies about the policy and Trans issues. Hurrah!! Honestly two really important things that unfortunately have come into conflict.

MWMF - officially will not do any "gender checks" and has asked Festies not to question someone's gender. Rather like "Don't ask don't tell". Organizers know full well that Transwomen attend every year and have since the first tent got pitched (or didn't).

I remember as a young 'un when ALL my Lesbain friends would pack up and leave me to watch the house and cats for a week. It stunk - mainly because I avoided cleaning the litter box. I mean here were 80% of my friends all gone and I couldn't go! I was living FT as a man, so I got why I couldn't go - still made me sad. But it's not about me or my needs really - my friends had a good time and brought back varying degrees of good/bad music and LOTS of sex stories. They also legimately seemed better able and willing to deal with the real world as feminists and lesbians and activists. Their batteries were "recharged" by disconnecting from a world under male influence.

Now that I'm living as a woman, I still can't play with my friends..openly at MWMF. I thought about joining Camp Trans and spreading the message that I was born a woman.. people just took a long time to figure it out. That as a Transwoman I KNOW that sexism is real, not as a theory, but as a daily pervasive practice. As long as I "pass" I get crapped on just like every other woman - if I don't, I get crapped on like "failed men" are (you know sissy gay guys). I though about it.. but I won't.. and I don't even support Camp Trans' objective anymore....

(Dun Dun Duuuun)

Lets look at this from MWMF's perspective. Do they want to make a policy that includes post-op gals? That's a classest statement right there, and by extention a racist one. That doesn't even get into the discussion of "gender vs. sex" which is the basis of most feminism. Do they open it up to women who don't look really "Trannified"??? Would you like to be at the ticket booth on a humid August morning with a line of people as far as the eye can see determining if sone transwoman "passes" well enough to get in? I sure wouldn't. OR just allow the ful spectrum of trans* identified people? I can't see that being a good solution at all - I know a gal who is trans identified M2F who for her own reasons has to "pass" as a man all day long. She is as much a woman as I am, but ..... should she be allowed at Michigan where womin are looking to relax without pressure from men?

So... Michigan's policy is actually not a bad one... it's not a great one.. but I honestly think it's the best option they have. It also helps that I have passing aquaintences with a couple womin who take off in a couple weeks to get The Land ready (and have for 20 years). These individual womin are organizers of The Fest, and I know they have strong personal relationships with the Trans* community.

All this said.. and before I get tired of typing... the reasons the Festies give for maintaining the WBW policy continue to perpetuate the idea that these women do indeed need to be educated about Trans issues. Some of the worst reasoning and faulty logic EVER is contained on the MWMF forums when this issue comes up. So.. Fest policy, not bad.. Festie Trans=Panic.. pretty retched... and the topic of another post soon.

First Time Out

I have a Transgender identity. I understand myself to be a woman who developed a male body. Cross Dressing was never a big part of my life ever. I'm talking the odd Halloween costume or not particularly checking which side the button holes were on if I found something I liked. I never had a real urge to get "dolled up"... we can chalk that up to being lazy and in blissful denial. To this day, I don't feel any comfort in "dressing". I don't hate it, but it has never been the focus or even a particularly compelling aspect of transitioning.

A couple months ago an Internet friend who lives close spent the weekend with my partner and I. She's Trans and that weekend was a TG bar night. I had never gone being ruther shy and still having issued getting stuff together (wig that looked ok, clothes..stuff). My friend and I spent some time getting ready, it was fun. I went to put on a blouse that looked pretty good on me, but forgot that I had used the back of my hand for my foundation and ended up with makeup smeared on my new white top *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*.

I was nervous. I was dressing for the public as a transwoman for the first time. This wasn't a Halloween lark, this was ME. I would be meeting new people and didn't want to look shabby. I ruined the top I was comfortable wearing. I grabbed a different top (after cleaning the back of my hand) - a simple hoodie. I put on my hair and my boobies took a deep breath and headed out.

I paused long enough to ask my partner how I looked. He's usually dismissive or will joke about my ass being big or something. This time he rolled his eyes, and said "You look like a Drag Queen Hooker. There IS a difference between looking like a woman and looking like a boy in a dress." My friend gabbed my arm and forced me in the car and we went.. unfortunately, I was done for the night. My confidence was shaken, my resolve questioned, and my hope I could have an understanding supportive partner was removed. It didn't matter that a guy flirted with me, that the other gals were amazingly friendly and welcoming, or even that I objectively didn't look bad that night. What mattered was what I was told, that my identity was negated.

Generally the hubby is super, he's a great guy. I know he's afraid and this is hard for him. O know that he has lots and lots of other things he's dealing with. I'm just tired of feeling selfish and irresponsible every time I take a step to feminize.

I was out woth a couple friends last night, and I was drinking something stronger than my usual Coke on the Rocks. I was having a good time with my partner and two friends. I don't remember how the topic came up but my partner made the comment "Well, the reason you aren't going thorugh with being a tranny is.." I cut him off and interjected "What do you mean 'not going through'"?

I had more I wanted to say, but even tipsy I knew better than to spill 6 months wouth of anxiety and angst in the middle of a neighborhood bar with two good friends who would have become uncomfortable.

The ONLY reasons I'm not sporting bewbz and gobbling down hormones is... HIM!! and money... about equal measures of those actually. It ht me how little he has been involved in the single most significant thing that has happened in my life. By his choice.

I don't think he knows that protecting him from his anxiety regarding my transsexual identity crisis has made me essentially plod through this without his help or support or generally very good advice. He doesn't know that this is on the edge of my mind every moment of every day. Trying to figure out, not who I am, but what I'm going to do about it. He doesn't want to know, so I keep him safe. He can't help me and this makes me very sad.

Trans Fantasy

Yup.. Pr0n!

I have had some discussions with men who state they are "Admirers" of Trans-women and I have also spoken with TG friends of mine and looked to my own interactions with men. The vast majority of men looking for a transgendered woman are looking to fulfill a fantasy fueled by porn imagery.

Fantasy is a lovely thing and should be encouraged. However, hijacking another person into your fantasy is neither lovely nor to be encouraged. Assuming that a trans-woman is into the same things that you saw in a porn flick is like assuming your female coworkers are just like Jenna Jameson. One HUGE difference is everyone knows real-life genetic women, so there is the healthy balance between fantasy and reality. Fewer people know that they know trans-women, so the balance is never there. I mean I have had guys assume I was a sex worker, be surprised that I have a degree, and not understand that I don't think about sex all day every day.

The thing is... this is reality for us. This is not sex for us. We aren't becoming women to snag guys. Transitioning into the correct physical gender isn't sexy or hot or pornographic. It is expensive, potentially deadly if hormone levels aren't monitored, and emotionally taxing. Few people looking to date us bother to learn this. Nobody spends thousands of dollars on surgery and medication just to get laid and be the object of some guys "curiosity".

The special men and women who have bothered to learn about our reality and genuinely love and admire us do so not for the sexy thrill of a girl with a "dirty secret". They do so because they admire our courage, our self-awareness, our understanding of ourselves and others, and because of our strength.

What's in a Name?

I'm tired of typing "guys who date girls like me" to refer to..umm.. guys who date girls like me. The thing is there are terms available, but I just don't like them. They conjure strange images or seem awkward, or are rather sexist. I'd like to come up with a term that's more specific than "guy" or "man" - I know labels are limiting and dehumanizing, but they are also useful as a mental shorthand to express ideas. I'd really like to get men involved in the discussion since ultimately, I think people should be able to define themselves.

Some of the terms used for guys in "the community" and my take on them are:

Admirer - This sounds like someone watching without participating. My interactions with "admirers" seems to back this up. They have tended to skulk on the sidelines, not talking to TGs. The guys at TG bars, nights, events who hang out by the bar and leer at us....

Tranny Chaser - This sounds more like something you order at a bar.. "I'd like a Bourbon with a Tranny Chaser". It also sounds a little creepy, and I can't help thinking of "Bug Chasers" (Nutty gay guys looking to be infected with HIV).

Hunters - This one actually pisses me off. It's used by guys who vacation in Thailand for the LadyBoy scene. It dehumanizes the LB as "prey" and feeds the male ego as "conqueror/hunter/hero". Also, as any actual hunter will tell you proper hunting requires skill and luck. It requires no skill for a flabby middle-aged white dude to plop in ass on a bar stool and have enough money to pat the bar fine and the time of his "prey".

TransBiSexual - I don't mind this one so much. It seems to indicate a guy who is attracted to non/pre - op gals as well as genetic women who is not attracted to men. The down side is it puts the focus on the sexual aspects only.

TransSexual Lover (TSL) (T-Lover) - Also not bad IMO. Although it could be augued how much "Love" comes into play here.