I have a Transgender identity. I understand myself to be a woman who developed a male body. Cross Dressing was never a big part of my life ever. I'm talking the odd Halloween costume or not particularly checking which side the button holes were on if I found something I liked. I never had a real urge to get "dolled up"... we can chalk that up to being lazy and in blissful denial. To this day, I don't feel any comfort in "dressing". I don't hate it, but it has never been the focus or even a particularly compelling aspect of transitioning.
A couple months ago an Internet friend who lives close spent the weekend with my partner and I. She's Trans and that weekend was a TG bar night. I had never gone being ruther shy and still having issued getting stuff together (wig that looked ok, clothes..stuff). My friend and I spent some time getting ready, it was fun. I went to put on a blouse that looked pretty good on me, but forgot that I had used the back of my hand for my foundation and ended up with makeup smeared on my new white top *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*.
I was nervous. I was dressing for the public as a transwoman for the first time. This wasn't a Halloween lark, this was ME. I would be meeting new people and didn't want to look shabby. I ruined the top I was comfortable wearing. I grabbed a different top (after cleaning the back of my hand) - a simple hoodie. I put on my hair and my boobies took a deep breath and headed out.
I paused long enough to ask my partner how I looked. He's usually dismissive or will joke about my ass being big or something. This time he rolled his eyes, and said "You look like a Drag Queen Hooker. There IS a difference between looking like a woman and looking like a boy in a dress." My friend gabbed my arm and forced me in the car and we went.. unfortunately, I was done for the night. My confidence was shaken, my resolve questioned, and my hope I could have an understanding supportive partner was removed. It didn't matter that a guy flirted with me, that the other gals were amazingly friendly and welcoming, or even that I objectively didn't look bad that night. What mattered was what I was told, that my identity was negated.
Generally the hubby is super, he's a great guy. I know he's afraid and this is hard for him. O know that he has lots and lots of other things he's dealing with. I'm just tired of feeling selfish and irresponsible every time I take a step to feminize.
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About Me
- rioTgirl
- Two long lost T-sisters who are smart sassy and oh so cute. Loves include fantasy games, comic books, video games, feminism, thinking about stupid stuff, and wondering if HE-MAN was the cause of all this.
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2 comments:
May be, your Hubby was just cutting a joke. In that case, just take it lightly.
It may also be, that he was being honest. In which scenario, you need to improve on your grooming habits.
- :p
Or just insensitive... sheesh.
I remember on my first day to work as female, not to mention my first day period "dressed" - as female, not that I had previously always gone to work nude - along the way I managed to get a heel stuck in a crack in the sidewalk and took one of most amazing falls of my life, sending my purse flying into the air and all my - gasp! - makeup as well. All this, and in front of morning traffic, too.
It took every last ounce of courage I had left to pick my crap up and continue along my way, instead of darting back to my apartment as I really wanted to. And it was probably about a week later that I finally calmed down.
But yeah. Those initial moments of going out into the world are SO emotionally charged. And probably not very easily understood by others who aren't going through it.
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