I'm one of the authors of this blog - I'm the one who just started to transition. My idea for this is to document my transition as far as I decide to go. Throw out some of my observations and maybe tell some jokes along the way.
Growing up I always identified with women. I wished I WAS a woman. Actually I really thought I was a little girl for a long time. Puberty set in, and my god!! there was no denying I wasn't physically female. I also REALLY liked guys. So over the years I just identified as a super-duper sissy gay guy.
I have a partner and we have been together for 12 years. Everything was pretty swell until last summer. I had a serious depression and very nearly suicidal thoughts because for as long as I can remember I simply hated my body. Not like specific parts, but the whole thing. I avoided mirrors and showers were as quick as I could make them. Sex was never ever done with the lights on and usually I kept as many clothes on as I could.
I was so depressed that I decided to get some help from a therapist. I always related to women, particularly lesbians so I looked for a lesbian therapist. I found a woman whose focus is body image and GLBT issues. I figured she was a good match.
Part of my image problem was I really hated being such a femme gay guy. Images and expectations within the gay male community hold the most masculine as the goal and the more "femme" as comic relief. I mentioned in passing that I probably had some gender issues when I called my therapist the first time.
A nice bit of synergy happened. I met some fantastic trans women online and listened to them and my own feelings. There was a calm where I had anxiety. Gender became the topic of discussion in therapy for many weeks. The label of Transsexual fits.. like a glove. So now what?
Well, I have a relationship with a gay man - he loves the look of a man. He respects who I am and how I see myself and always has. He just resists and becomes anxious about any physical changes while at the same time respecting and honoring my internal identity.
After accepting the label of Transgendered, I dove into all the information I could find. I know about hormones, and genital surgery, and facial surgery. I became overwhelmed by all this. The stuff that was supposed to lessen my anxiety only increased it.
Then the epiphany... I don't HAVE to do ANYTHING. My identity is secure, I am and have always identified as female. I currently present as male because it makes my partner's life easier, and simple economics. Transitioning is expensive particularly when you do it in middle age.
Will I ever live full-time as a woman? I don't know. What I do know is after figuring out the root of my body image and taking small steps to correct my perceptions of myself I am finally at ease with my body. After finally determining that transition has to happen on my terms and on my schedule I am less anxious about the future.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
2 comments:
Funny - I forgot all about the having sex with the lights out thing from my own past...
For a long time, I also fed into that whole "born in the wrong body" idea. It's like the mantra of the TG community. And then I realized that in my case at least, it wasn't the wrong body at all; it just needed a modification here or there. And I've never been happier with it.
In other words, the lights stay on these days. ;-)
One of the interesting things I was told by my therapist if I start hormone replacement therapy, that I would lose the desire to cross dress. I think he mistook that I never had the desire to cross dress. I found this an interesting suggestion though.
It goes to what I see is the root of the identity thing that is true TG. How you identify with yourself, as to how the outside world should see you, even if they never really will. If you can accept that, and it happens to be cross gender, then it's worth pursuing in my opinion (therapy).
After starting hormone replacement therapy, I can say this sense of identity resolution is exactly what I get from it. It's not that the hormones influence how I think. That judgement would be disregarding how I felt before taking cross gender hormones. It's that hormone therapy has an emotional component that resolves agitation from cross gender feelings from before taking hormones.
That, in my opinion, is why Transgender care is important to get, and get the right open minded care. I don't think people should get care that is biased either way. Some therapists push seeking cross gender answers more than others. You want someone who is neutral, which requires the patient to do all the seeking asking the therapist for the resources, who then provides information, and ultimately access.
Post a Comment