I keep a couple pictures of a man near my bed on the table. He is cute in an awkward teen kinda way. If you knew him you'd know the smiles were forced and if you look closely you can tell it never reached his eyes.
I keep these pictures, not because he is an ex-lover, or my first crush. I keep them to remind me why I did what I did. Both of these pictures were taken before my two suicide attempts. I have been living as a woman for a few years and I STILL have moments when I question everything I have done. The alienation of my parents, the loss of friends, the accusations from same that I was being selfish.
When I wonder if what I'm doing is right, or I get bogged down with how fucking hard this is ... I look at HIM. I wonder if any part of him would still be alive if I had not altered my body. I guess to save something of this cute funny quirky nerdy guy I had to visibly erase as much of him as I could.
I don't know if transition was the RIGHT thing to do. I feel it is the ONLY thing I can do.
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4 comments:
well, this made my eyes tear up. i luv reading staff like this.
transition is the MOST DRAMATIC THING IN THE WORLD EVER!
u said me there is nothing exciting about it, you are liar ;)
you tried to kill yourself 2 times? i'm glad you are alive now.
<3 <3 <3 LUV U <3 <3 <3
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Not to get melodramatic or anything, but every trans*person alive today no matter where they are in transition is so damn strong. The fact that we are alive says so.
*hugs*
I'm glad you are happier now. And I hope to read more of your thoughts, now that you know who you are.
Sorry to read you were driven to suicide attempts. Not having been there it's hard for me to fully comprehend the torment experienced by someone trapped in a wrong gender.
Having struggled a lot with depression I know something of the tunnels of despair that one can lose oneself in.
I'm so so glad you found your way out / fought your way out. Please please don't even think of going there again.
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