As stated earlier, for some reason my awareness was always directed towards females in a way that was not true for my brothers. Men were "other" and while I received conditioning and socialization as a male, I also watched and learned and internalized female socialization.
Socialization that I sometimes needed Feminism to disect and process and ultimately try to change. As an adult, I found I had given myself very little agency in my life. Saying "no" was hard, particularly with men. Determining my own sexual and romantic needs and desires was (and still is) often impossible. Putting my needs before another's is still second nature.
In adulthood, my housemates were always women, mostly Lesbian women and always Feminists. We were all very politically active centering on GLBT, Women's, and Anti-Racist issues. I bring this up to offer another example of that *something* that understanding, that thing that hasn't a name yet. I GOT sexism, I saw it, I understood it, I could feel it. It was that way that boys and men acted that made me feel like I didn't belong. It was those comments they made and the way they looked at women that made me uncomfortable. It wasn't a political theory, or a social critique - it was the name of a very real part of my internal conflict.
This was in marked contrast with how I came to understand race and class issues. Comming from a place of relative privelege, I wasn't aware of how I contributed to raceism or classism. Thankfully I usually had the sense to shut up and listen when POCs would talk about Race. I accepted what they said as, at the very least, their truth. However there was a probably common period where I just really didn't "get it". I had to unlearn and examine myself in light of race and class opression.
I'm not saying I didn't have male privelege or use it. I'm also not saying that I had a childhood like a girl has a childhood. What I am saying it I saw my childhood and processed all the information I was given in a way that made "woman" the normal and "man" the other thing that wasn't safe and wasn't particularly important (except for being cute). Unlike my Raceism, which was the invisible unseen unchallenged "way things are".
My use of race and raceism isn't intended to compare opressions. Rather, I hope to show how a Trans* identity can filter social messages by using an example of social messages about race/class that were (unfortunately) more traditionally filtered and processed and challenged.
I have no idea if other Trans* people have anything like this. I am simply stating how I understand my childhood.
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6 comments:
I love this - I think trans women could talk more about "passing as male" privilege because so far, the majority of discourse on the topic has been feminists telling us what our lives were really like, and we end up preemptively saying stuff like "I'm not saying I didn't have male privilege" to head off the fact that we're told so often that we experienced male privilege just like cis men did - as if being trans has no affect on that.
And I identify with a lot of what you say about seeing and reacting to sexism, and about your childhood.
Lisa -
Glad you liked this. I also really like the idea of "passing as male" as a type of priviledge. From everything I knowand what I have heard from others there is something - like a desire to try to "opt out" when one can, or an identification with women when sexism rears it's head.
One thing that made me aware of something along these lines was my involvement in gay groups in college. The gay men were pretty oblivious to issues of sexism and blamed lesbians for not wanting to joing their "inclusive" group. The problems were pretty obvious to me (starting with the notion that Lesbians should even want to be a part of the group).
Thanks again for stopping by, always a pleasure to have you over. I'll have some coffee and a danish next time.
I actually did have a shock moment, come to think of it:
Within a week of my switching over to full time, I was walking to my favorite bookstore*, which was right in the middle of a neighborhood filled with strip clubs, adult bookstores, and such. Anyway, this cop stops me and tells me I have "things" hanging out. And I check my pockets, because WTF? Eventually he finally says "breasts," which I guess he didn't want to call my breasts "breasts" in the first place. He then asks if I'm a prostitute. I managed to get away, but I knew that the police in that neighborhood would demand free services from prostitutes in exchange for not taking them to jail.
So, I had a blouse buttoned almost up to my throat when he stopped me, and he was shaming me for him being able to see my cleavage through that... and I had A cups.
That was a shocking moment.
* Not an adult bookstore, I was buying D&D or something
I can relate to that very much. In the "passing as male" privilidge - it took me quite a view years to learn, I finally managed it about the time when I turned nineteen. When I finally socially transitioned with thirtysix I really had less to none problems "learning" to fit in as a girl again. It didn't ever stop to do some things like my humor another way not relating it to gender - and learned, that some of my humor was perfectly fitting now while I often before thaught I had obvieously my own stile that not everyone gets. It never occoured to me that humor might be somewhat gendered ;-)
Bad hair days -
Thanks for the comment! I think many things get gendered in very subtle ways. On the other hand, there are plenty of examples of men and women who never have atrans* identity crisis who bend mutilate and mangle the expectations of gendered behavior.
I think having an expectation to monitor and edit portions of our personality or mannerisms doesn't serve us as individuals very well.
For example, I dated a man in my early transitioning years who was very quick to point out that I gave off subtle cues regarding my status in the way I laughed, coughed, cleared my throat..etc. It served to make me paranoid about my every movement and bodily function. Inessence making me a little anxious to leave the house without his "protective influence". Ultimately, it only served his desire to keep me as his "dirty secret".
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