I was talking on yahoo Im with a friend a couple days ago. He insisted that I must have scores of guys in my daily life hitting on me. I told him that I was pretty painfully oblivious to that sort of thing.
This was not true.
I am aware of the not-so-subtle subtle ways guys try to get attention from the women they meet. The truth of the matter is, I flatly ignore it. Not because I'm vain or anything like that. It is simply safer that way. While I may be openly Trans, I'm also not wearing a sign. If it comes up, it comes up. I prefer organic disclosure.
The thing is, the revelation of my Trans status has one of two results in my history. 1) Someone who minutes ago was handing me his phone number or awkwardly asking me for coffee suddenly feels deceived and within his rights to be insulting, demeaning, or downright violent. 2) They get a really creepy look in their eyes as all the fantasy images of a "Chick with a Dick" play out in their heads.
I have been assulted in a bar, threatened outside my apartment, "outed" to everyone within shouting distance, and stalked. I simply don't want to test those waters any more. It's one of those priveliges that my non-trans sisters have - the ability to have a relationship form mutual interests, attraction, communication, and happenstance.
It isn't like I hide the fact that I'm trans. Everyone close to me knows. If there is an issue or a snyde comment made about trans*people, I speak up. I'm comfortable being "out there" - on MY terms. Having a suitor who isn't up to speed from the start potentially removes MY control over MY environment, thus infringing on MY safety.
It stinks because there is this cute and quiet guy at work who keeps giving me these shy little smiles. He "happened" to have gotten an extra coffee from Starbucks that just "happened" to be one of my favorite flavors and gave it to me. So I go through my day pointedly ignoring his rather charming little self (and some others as well). The double-stuff of the suck is... well.. I GET how he feels. I've been there, I *could* be the cool gal who sees this and appreciates him. Instead, my own hard-won fear and dread of that look that happens when the guy isn't expecting the big (or not so big *laf*) news.
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About Me
- rioTgirl
- Two long lost T-sisters who are smart sassy and oh so cute. Loves include fantasy games, comic books, video games, feminism, thinking about stupid stuff, and wondering if HE-MAN was the cause of all this.
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8 comments:
An "extra" Starbucks, huh? Someone saw Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog.
I'm not sure how I'd resolve the issue of "wanting love" vs. "possibly getting killed". Fortunately, I don't think I'm going to have to worry about it.
"This was not true."
AHA! I KNEW IT!
Awwww...I think that's cute: an "extra" coffee, as you like it. Seriously! What a sweetie!!
Do you find yourself, as I have, turning down innocent advances, to save yourself the disappointment of loss when it comes time to divulge who you are? I disappoint myself constantly in normal flirtatious situations like this, and rather than let it go where it might, let the person (generally a guy) know right away that I'm a T. It's kinda like not even letting the situation grow to something that could maybe be real.
I could probably say that I'm cutting myself off at the knees to save disappointment, but the other side of the arguement is that the flirter may be cool with me and the whole thing could be something meaningful. I have to learn to give these situations a chance....
tracee - I find myself pointedly ignoring advances in part due to the disappointment. I also disclose my status upfront, when asked out. You are right, it does keep the relationshipfrom developing in an organic way.
big dumb ape- Yeah I knew you didn't buy it.
renee - I wish I didn't worry about stuff like that :(
Does that fib go on any sort of official record? Dating or even getting the chance for a date can be complicated and exausting. everyone has baggage. But just like almost every other problem its just a little harder for you. But I think your good enough smart enough so goshdarnit your going to find a guy who likes you for you. Or better yet he finds you.
And if not a few more cats get a nice lady to live with.
(BIG DUMB APE TOSSES A BUCKET OF COLD WATER ON BIONCA)
Bionca (now dripping wet): What the heck was THAT for?
Big Ape: I just wanted to snap you out of it and get you to stop being so self-conscious and to start thinking about other people's feelings. Get with the program, Geek Girl! You're a terrific person. You're incredibly intelligent, you're very sweet, you're nice to chat with, you're very cute if not outright beautiful, and you're even more fun to hang out with for being the comic book-loving, Dr Who-watching, Wonder Woman panty-wearing dweeb that you are. In other words, you're perfect as is for being who you are in your own heart and that's all that matters. And now that I've complimented you top to bottom, I want to say something on behalf of all the "Nice Guys" out here...
When I say you should start thinking about other people's feelings I'm referring to your bank buddy. In the midst of nervously biting your nails and straining your cranium, did it ever occur to you that he's heard things at work (whether openly or in hushed whispers) and he knows your status? Did it ever occur to you that by bringing you coffee in such an open way -- in front of other bank buddies -- that he's trying to tell you he wants to pursue a friendship or more? Did it ever occur to you the coffee was his way of signaling he doesn't care about your status? Sheesh, what's a guy gotta do to tell you he's interested? ;)
We all have to worry about intruders breaking into our homes, being mugged in a dark alley late at night, or being rejected by someone who caught our eye. That's not about your status, that's just life for everyone. Let me spell it out for you: you're too terrific to worry this much. So drink the coffee, smile over it, and then look over at his desk and flash a flirty smile that reveals the lady you are in your heart. And then just enjoy life by being the truly warm and great person you are. Here's news flash, hard as this might be for you to believe: some people WANT to spend time with you because they DO think you're terrific and fun to be around.
Bionca: Aw, that's sweet of you to say and--
(BIG DUMB APE TOSSES ANOTHER GIANT BUCKET OF COLD WATER ON HER)
Bionca (even more dripping wet): Hey, I listened to you! What was THAT for?
Big Ape: It's a hot summer day. I just thought it would be fun to soak you again!!!
Strongback-
I sure hope that fib won't go on my record.. sheesh I have so many more things to have held against me.
Big Dumb Ape -
What can I say, except... you are really very sweet. You have never failed to make me smile *hugz*
After reading this, I can totally relate to some of it. I love the fact that you are openly trans like me. I transition in a small town so it's impossible to go stealth nor I have any desire too. I have the privacy not secrecy policy because at the end of the day, I didn't transitioned to hide who I am. There's something very empowering with 'This is who I am, take it or leave it.'
I love your blog, by the way!
Hugs,
Melania
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