A Little Fib

I was talking on yahoo Im with a friend a couple days ago. He insisted that I must have scores of guys in my daily life hitting on me. I told him that I was pretty painfully oblivious to that sort of thing.

This was not true.

I am aware of the not-so-subtle subtle ways guys try to get attention from the women they meet. The truth of the matter is, I flatly ignore it. Not because I'm vain or anything like that. It is simply safer that way. While I may be openly Trans, I'm also not wearing a sign. If it comes up, it comes up. I prefer organic disclosure.

The thing is, the revelation of my Trans status has one of two results in my history. 1) Someone who minutes ago was handing me his phone number or awkwardly asking me for coffee suddenly feels deceived and within his rights to be insulting, demeaning, or downright violent. 2) They get a really creepy look in their eyes as all the fantasy images of a "Chick with a Dick" play out in their heads.

I have been assulted in a bar, threatened outside my apartment, "outed" to everyone within shouting distance, and stalked. I simply don't want to test those waters any more. It's one of those priveliges that my non-trans sisters have - the ability to have a relationship form mutual interests, attraction, communication, and happenstance.

It isn't like I hide the fact that I'm trans. Everyone close to me knows. If there is an issue or a snyde comment made about trans*people, I speak up. I'm comfortable being "out there" - on MY terms. Having a suitor who isn't up to speed from the start potentially removes MY control over MY environment, thus infringing on MY safety.

It stinks because there is this cute and quiet guy at work who keeps giving me these shy little smiles. He "happened" to have gotten an extra coffee from Starbucks that just "happened" to be one of my favorite flavors and gave it to me. So I go through my day pointedly ignoring his rather charming little self (and some others as well). The double-stuff of the suck is... well.. I GET how he feels. I've been there, I *could* be the cool gal who sees this and appreciates him. Instead, my own hard-won fear and dread of that look that happens when the guy isn't expecting the big (or not so big *laf*) news.

Dating..the other Privilege

There are lots and lots of discussions around Blogdonia discussion various privileges that cis (non-trans) people have. Things that are so often taken for granted like having all of one's documentation match, being able to travel without being flagged as a potential terrorist, being able to get timely medical care (Tyra Hunter).. and on and on.. All very important issues. Critical issues in every case.

However, one thing that gets overlooked is forming relationships. Cis folks have the luxury of forming organic relationships. They can meet someone at work or a party, hit it off, exchange numbers and go out. This is becomming so painfully clear to me because I'm single

Friendly Blog Promotion

A cool friend of mine started his own blog:

http://www.hotoffthevine.blogspot.com/

He's a really swell, funny, creative, charming, groovy kinda guy. He has even promised to actually show up for a date if I ever find myself in LA !!!

Discussing Gender

I want to discuss gender. I want to discuss this from a place of questioning and experience, rather than a place of opression and theory. While both theory and opression are important to the discussion of gender, too often gendered experiences are dismissed (particularly when he experience comes from a trans* person).

One thing I'd like to talk about are some of my earliest understandings. It is important to understand how children learn about the world. Children learn through instruction, but mostly it is through observation. Most children will pay close attention to adults who closely match their sex. Boy children will learn how to be a man by watching the men in their life - thus you have generational abusers who may have been instructed not to hit women, but observed men hitting women.

As far back as I can remember, my observations have always been of the women in my life. The men were simply not that important or interesting. If a book, movie or TV show didn't have a compelling female character, I was not interested. I watched and learned how to be an adult by watching my mother, grandmothers, aunts, and to a lesser extent televison (good thing mom was a pretty right-on woman, because the tv women back in the day were often pretty poor role models).

I was aware of inequality in the work my mother performed (she was a stay-at-home parent) and my father (construction). Unequal as far as how their individual contributions were regarded. I was, and have always been, very aware of sexist comments, because those comments didn't reflect ME or the women I knew - not because "mamma raised me right" (although she didn't do a bad job either).

When I say "I always knew I was a girl". I am NOT saying "I liked to play with dolls" or "I wore momma's heals when she wasn't looking." What I am saying is for SOME reason, I took all my social cues from the women around me, even when cues by males were equally available. MEN were the "other" in my life as a child before elementary school. I had a close relationship with my father until I came out (first as gay, then trans) so it isn't like we had a strained relationship, or he was absent from my life. I just didn't relate to him as a model for who I was to become as an adult.

I'd like to take and expand on this from time to time, because I think there really is SOMETHING to gender. Part of the problem with discussing Trans issues is a shared understanding of gender, but no convenient language to talk about it.

I got to Thinking

I read Questioning Transphobia regularly. I have to say Lisa Harney is one of my idols, along with RiftGirl they were the unwitting kick in the pants I needed to start this little blog (along with other groovy friends who told both of us we needed to talk less and write more).

Anyway, a recent shit storm on the F Word blog is documented and commented on QT.

http://questioningtransphobia.wordpress.com/

This reminded me of some conversations I have had with long time Lesbian Feminist friends of mine. A few things keep comming up when talking with my friends and also talking with RadFems on the Internt that I would like to discuss.

1) You can be a "different kind of man (woman)".

This assumes I didn't actually TRY that - for YEARS.. and YEARS.

2) "I wasn't comfortable being a 'girl' growing up, but through soul-searching and really processing my feelings and society's demands on women I was able to be comfortable as a butch lesbian who loves her female body."

This one REALLY stinks. It stinks to the highest heaven. It centers a Trans* person's life on the cis-gendered person's experience of comming to terms with their own non-conforming gender expression. It further claims that what's good enough for them is good enough for me. It assumes, again, that I didn't Try that for YEARS..and YEARS.

3) "In MY world there would be no gender, so no need to transition. Everyone could dress and act the way they pleased."

Awesome.. I wanna live there too. Except.. well, I would still be transitioning. See it isn't about clothes, or hair, or shaving, or makeup. I did all that yummy goodness as a BIG OLE SISSY boy. The thing is - I UNDERSTOOD myself, from as early as I can remember, as being a girl. There is nothing more to say because there isn't language to express it. The affectations of "feminity" are just that - props to be used or discarded at my whim. The UNDERSTANDING is not the same as a desire to put on mum's shoes.

4) "There is so much pressure to transition. It's like if you don't feel enough like a guy or a gal you should transition."

My assumption from this is the pressure is comming from within the Trans* community. I haven't seen it. Quite the opposite actually. When I was first seriously questioning transition every Trans*woman I met was quick to point out that being a Drag Queen, or a Cross Dresser, or a sissy guy was valid and perfectly OK.

If the pressure is supposed to be somming from society - WHAT??!! Let me say without hesitation - me being seen as a shy sissified gay boy was so much easier than being seen as Trans. Night and day - seriously.

Also, the underlying theme here is that transitioning is somehow easier than being non-conforming to one's birth sex. That Trans* folks are taking the path of least resistance. Again I'll say from where I sit, it was a hell of alot easier to be a fey man than a tranny.

Reality Trannies Update

From the evah lovely RiftGirl Blog:

http://beingt.blogspot.com/2008/08/ian-drew-is-not-ass-methinks-now.html

She spoke with Ian Drew from US Weekly and had, what seems, a very swell conversation. That Rifty.. such a great gal!!!

Reality Trannies!

If you haven't heard, we are going to have a couple Trans women on reality TV. Now, this isn't exactly new as there have been a few scattered about here and there - particularly in the UK.

I'm talking about the coming season of "America's Next Top Model" featuring Isis. She's the first trans contestant on the show ad already there has been some controversy. It seems that Fox News' Gregg Jarrett and US Weekly's Editor-at-Large, Ian Drew had a few "choice" and inappropriate comments to make Isis and her exclusive interview with US Weekly.

From GLADD's website complete with video:

http://glaadorg.nexcess.net/cinequeer/2008/08/offensive-fox-news-segment-on.html

The other show is currently showing on VH1. "Work for Diddy" is like the "Apprentice", but for Sean "Puffy" Combs. Laverne Cox, who was also involved in the Trans* Docu-series "Being T", is in the running to be Mr Combs' new personal assistant.

Personally, I'm pretty hot and cold about reality TV. I either get REALLY into a show (Project Runway) or I have no time for it (most of the rest). While I hope both of them do well, I'm really rooting for Ms Cox. There is something about making it as the personal assistant to one of the most dynamic and powerful men in any industry. Mr. Combs also has a VERY positive relationship with GLBTQs. He has never had a negative thing to say about gays (unlike the majority of his Hip Hop pals), no nasty lyrics, no slurs, nuffin! He also hires and give important powerful positions to openly queer people. Winning this could send a powerful message to trans* women, particularly trans women of color, who are disproportionately represented in sex work and targets of violence.

Not to be dismissive about ANTM, but.... well .... I remember YEARS ago reading about the number of "men" who did runway and print modeling as women. There is something very tranny about the body-type of models: small breasts, narrow hips, tall, long arms. I stopped counting the number of Trans women in my circle of friends who work or have worked in that industry. Even one of the rioTgirls was briefly a model.

Like I said, both of these women have the ability to be a positive role model. Both of these women are of color. Both of these women are strong and smart and bring lots to the table. I just think being Diddy's assistant would be a HUGE win for trans women. Also, let's face it, it would be a freaking DREAM for Laverne Cox to win - that would be some serious resume padding!!!

Goodnight Sweet Prince

I know I'm late. I have this pesky aversion to jumping on bandwagons. I only recently started to read Harry Potter for example. So, back in tha day when EVERYONE was reading Neil Gaiman's "Sandman" I avoided it like the plague, and read all my "Captain Carrot and the Amazing Zoo Crew" books. OK, not really, but I sure as heck wasn't reading that Sandman - no matter how much people said they loved it, or how much those "insiders" said it was redefining the industry. Nope, not me.

I finally broke down some months ago and picked up the first trade graphic novel thingy and promptly kicked myself in the ass. Why did I wait YEARS to read this sublime exploration of universal archtypes? Now I'm at the end, I have completed "The Wake" and it's done.. no more.. and I am satisfied.

The last couple story arc's weren't quite as good as the first, but still some of the best I have ever read. I mean, how can one top the Diner Scene will Dr John Dee (Dr Destiny). That was some mind-twisting deeply troubling stuff there. Or the sympathetic and heroic Wanda - the NY Tranny.

Gaiman wrote about the misfits, the marganilized, the troubled. He evoked a world where dream and reality interconnected and I was never quite sure which was what. The use of different artists gave each story a distinct feeling and furthered the feeling of a disjointed yet connected landscape.

Actually, I'm glad I waited to read this. I don't think I could have been patient enough to wait monthly for the issues. This way I got to enjoy them the way I would have a novel.

Now.. I just have to ponder what my next set of missed gems will be.

Ask Tranny

This is from a man I had been talking to about transitioning.

i like the way you answer..honest and nonjudgmental...so here is where my confusion comes in....in my younger days... and i don't know how it happened i seemed to have gotten involved in a gay group as a straight male...now there were guys that dressed as women...there were guys that dressed as bikers and others dressed in suits...all in all they seemed to be as screwed up as the rest of the world...except the had sex with other guys...so here i am again a straight guy and all i see is a group of people that have had their their bodies altered...and as far as i can see dress as women...and except themselves as women....and this group is also as screwed up as the rest of the world....
but i am left wondering....if you made the transition to look like a woman
.............................................if you see yourselves as women
then why keep the penis?

Why keep the penis?? Why indeed... the answers, again, will vary from woman (with penis) to woman. The easy reason is, the surgery is REALLY expensive, and in the US is not covered by most insurance.. so economics play a huge part in this decision. In my case, I had facial feminizing surgery WAY before I'll have a Dr touch my crotch simply because more people see my face.

The other reason I don't think I'll have the operation is because I just don't care about my penis one way or the other. I don't use it sexually but don't have a burning hatred for it either. It's just some bits in the front.

Still other women deeply enjoy orgasms.. and genital surgery carries a large risk of removing the ability to orgasm - sometimes permanently. So while the motivation to transition is largely not sexual in nature, a compelling reason not to alter the penis is that orgasms feel nice.

Yet other women, who identify themselves a fully female, enjoy having a penis. Their "mind" is female (not sissy gay man) but their sexual enjoyment is "male" (that is penis-focused). These would be girls who like or prefer to Top.

And still there are those who don't neatly fit any sort of classification. It is REALLY important to understand that physical sex (what's going on between the legs) and gender identity are not the same thing. For most people without a trans identity crisis (or who haven't had one) it is hard to make the distinction, partly because there are so many "shades of grey" (Butch women, sissy men, hetero guys who are nurturing and sensitive..etc.). For a person with a Trans* identity it is often a case where the mind has an image of the body that is SEXually different from the way the body developed.

The existence of a penis or breasts or any other secondary sex-characteristic does not preclude any gender identity.

Funk

Boy have I been in a funk lately. With the news about my friend, my complete lack of a social life, job stuffs, then the last few rather troubling articles we wrote - damn I just can't seem to get excited/happy/not bummed out. It's a pretty rare feeling for me - I'm generally pretty up tempo and chipper (if a bit cranky).

So.. I'll relate a little sumpin that recently happened that gave me a little bit of a smile. I went to the local super-duper-mega market to get some stuff. Being both careless and eco-friendly (in that order I'm sure) I walked the 10 or so blocks to the store. About half way there I had this gripping urge to tinkle. I picked up the pace and scooted to the store. Thankfully surprised to find an open stall in the women's room, I jumped in.

I came out and washed my hands. When I noticed two women giving me a less than complimentary look. Steeling myself for some comment or challenge I met their gazes. The older of the women stifled a giggle (great someone laughing at a tranny). Then she pointed out that I had tucked my skirt inside my panties with a shared mirth of something every woman has done in her life.

Being one to (over) process things. I spent my time getting some fixin's for burritos and thinking. Thinking about how sometimes we create our own conflicts. How in my desire to be accepted on my own merits (not as "trans" not as "woman") can sometimes make me see things in ways that are not how they are intended. And how, ultimately, everyone needs a moment to laugh at the stupid shit.

This unknown woman in a super market bathroom, kindly and jokingly pointing out that was showing my ass was the exact thing I needed to bust down a self-created wall I was starting to build. While keeping in mind that bad shit happens to all kinds of people, and particularly lately trans women, I can't let that limit me or sour me.

13 Years Ago - Tyra Hunter

http://transgriot.blogspot.com/2007/08/trya-hunter-anniversary.html

For those who don't want to read the linked article from Monica Roberts, yesterday marked the 12 anniversary of the death of Tyra Hunter. Unlike the death of Angie Zapata reported earlier this month, Ms Hunter's death was not due to the actions of one man, but rather the INACTION of a group of people.

Ms Hunter was a transwoman of color in Washington DC who was involved as a passenger in a auto accident. When the emergency responders arrived and removed Tyra and the driver it was discovered that Ms Hunter was, in fact a Transwoman. Rather than giving her emergency care that her wounds needed, one Adrian Williams proceeded to make comments about Ms Hunter's sex and race "This bitch ain't no girl...It's a nigger, he got a dick."

Mr Williams stopped working to joke about the semi-aware Hunter rather than provide the emergency care required. It wasn't until the gathering crowed urged him to take action that any attempt was made to save her life. But this wasn't the end of Ms Hunter's abuse. A doctor at DC General *REFUSED* - yes R E F U S E D to treat her. She died 13 years ago yesterday.


Again we see someone referring to a transgendered person as "it" a pronoun reserved for objects. Farmers, even, refer to cattle by their sex and they PLAN on killing them. By making transpeople "it"s they can comfortably deny our humanity and our dignity. They can absolve themselves of any and all abuses - and society allows them.

One final note - Mr Williams was eventually promoted on his job as an emergency caregiver.

ANGIE ZAPATA.

So I have taken some time to sit with this and to do some research. Everything we know comes from the murderer, and I frankly don't believe much of his story. He has every reason to make stuff up to paint himself as a victim in some sort of twisted version of victimization.

First he and Angie meet online and go on a date. She picks him up and they eventually go back to her place and have sex. According to him, she doesn't get naked and won't allow him to touch her sexually while she performs oral sex on him. The next day she leaves and he is alone in her apartment where he finds some photos that cause him to question her sex. He confronts her and she says "I am all woman". Then he grabs her crotch and feels a penis and murder happens. THEN he grabs her keys and purse and flees. There is some question about the location of her purse (I think some questions about the use of Angie's sister's credit card that tie into the case).

Now - lets assume he is telling the truth. He still sexually assaulted Angie when he grabbed her crotch. At what point is it OK to grab someone there AFTER they specifically told you NO the previous night? Past sexual intimacy does NOT give one any rights to access to an other's body.

If Angie WAS in the habit of fooling guys, then she would not have any questionable photos where her "dupe" could find them. Much less leave him alone in her place where he could go looking for them.

My own thoughts on this are that he knew full well she was trans. Every pre/non op gal I know is going to tell their status before being sexually active. For the very reasons this article is being written - we get KILLED! There is also the issue of the photos. A stealth gal isn't going to have them about. A gal trying to deceive someone isn't going to have them out.

What I'm trying to puzzle out is if he violently freaked out after the act, or if this was planned.

This is Serious

http://abcnews.go.com/US/comments?type=story&id=5487781

RIP ANGIE ZAPATA.

I'll have more on this later, right now, I'm freaking out about this whole thing! The death, the current victem blame going on, the seeming willingness to believe the murderer's story fully...

My god!! What I want to do right now is have a cry, and wish there was something I could do to help this young woman's family.

Ideas

I've had a couple ideas floating around in my head for some time. I have been talking to some friends who are beginning to transition and having some trouble. Specifically, in finding clothes and surgical options. My ideas are thus...

1) An online store that sells clothes to M2Fs and Crossdressers that aren't only fantasy/fetish wear. The thing is, many Trans*women have hard-to-fit bodies and some cuts and styles are going to be more flattering to us. Case in point - hands. There is no way to modify one's hands, and there are different proportions between a typical "male" hand and a "female" hand. So, longer cuffs on the sleeve or even ones that flare out would help camouflage this.

I think it would be cool to have a place that sells clothes in sizes and styles in one spot rather than hunting stores or websites.

2) A kinda international Tranny Consumer Reports for surgical options. Hanging out on various TG support sites, one is bound to run across adds for feminizing surgery or even SRS. They all clam to perform miracles with before and after shots to prove it (sometimes the same photos on different sites). I also know from my own research that some doctors are better at some surgeries than others. Something so very expensive and important as surgeries to allow us to live our lives (more or less) safely should be open to independent reviews so the economically savvy Tranny can get her stuff done by the most able surgeon she can afford.

Any thoughts??

Changing the Subject..

Back to the same old subject. I was thinking about guys who dig transwomen and date us. How they so often won't even show up for a date - guys don't believe me when I say it, but MY GOD if I had $5 for every time I had to eat or see a movie alone, I'd be paying for someone elses' feminizing surgeries - I'd be THAT frikkin rich!.

Guys who are attracted to TGs, and have the guts to actually contact us are special folks. Unfortunately, they know this. They know that the pool of guys is pretty small. While porn may be the name of the game these days, and trans porn is pretty popular, the guys who are looking at it are largely never going to act on it. I have made a couple observations.

1) The guys know better than to call us "he". But, they almost say "she" like they are in on some private joke. Like there is an almost invisible wink and nudge.

2) They feel entitled to behave poorly, because .. well they FEEL special. Like they are our only chance at a date or sex or a relationship. This gives them some sort of subconscious OK to expect that we will simply take rude, poor, violent, insulting behavior and smile and still feel special because they have stooped low enough to give us a little time.

Obviously, if you are reading this blog and are a male you very likely don't fit these observations. It is also very likely that neither of us have dated you ;).

"Things" Update Pt 2

Everyone is home and doing well. C's fella had been away on a job site out of town and he came back as soon as he heard what happened. So.. maybe I can say that someone I know has a decent guy. He's been by her side since he got back and is using some vacation time to remain with her.

She still isn't pressing charges. After some thought, I probably wouldn't either given her situation. That was a sobering thought, but realistic just the same. It isn't fair because she had to choose between different types of safety. No person should have to choose something like that.

I want to end this post on a happy note. C visits the blog (and needs to frakkin comment sometime) and she is overwhelmed with the messages and emails I have received. She sends her thanks and an e-hug. Now we just need to get her to do it herself (grumbles about techno-impared trannies).